


Life of Experience

by SosaLola



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-04-27 00:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 60,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5025802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SosaLola/pseuds/SosaLola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ethan Harris died and left his son under his best friend's care. All human AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

  
**  
Stage One:**

 

**  
**  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander looked around the huge lobby of his new home. New  _home_ , still didn't sound right. A week had passed since his father died leaving his guardianship to his dearest friend. Mr. Rupert Giles and his Dad had been close since they'd attended Oxford together in England. The college for smart people. It surprised him that even though Mr. Giles had graduated from college with honors, he chose the job of a librarian in Sunnydale High, maybe it was due to his devotion for books. Or maybe it was because Mrs. Giles, former Ms. Jenny Calendar, used to be the computer teacher there.  
  
Mrs. Giles had died shortly after she'd given birth to their only son, William, who was now a senior in the same high school. Xander had never met him, but Mr. Giles had always complained to his Dad about him. His Dad would say that teenagers were always difficult to handle. To which he'd turn toward Xander and say warmly, “I guess I’m soon to find out.”  
  
Xander blinked, trying to stop the forming tears from falling down. He clutched his backpack to him tight, and took a deep breath trying to clear his mind from the thoughts of his Dad.   
  
He turned around to find Mr. Giles entering the front door, holding another set of boxes. After his Dad had died, Xander had spent the week at Jesse’s place until Mr. Giles completed the guardianship forms. Jesse’s Mom had helped him pack his stuff from his place the previous week. She'd always been more of a mother to him than his real Mom, who neither bothered to come to the funeral nor asked about him.  
  
“Right then,” Mr. Giles said after he gently placed down the last set. “I believe this is it for today. I shall return tomorrow for the rest of your belongings.” He flashed him a warm smile.  
  
Xander couldn’t help but smile back, until he spotted the large number of boxes. “It's gonna take ages to get all that to my room." He hadn’t seen it yet, and judging from the size of the house, he could bet that it was huge.  
  
“I shall call William to lend us a hand.” Mr. Giles stood by the stairs and yelled, “Will! Will! Come down here!”  
  
There was no answer, and Mr. Giles sighed with exasperation. “I suppose he’s wearing his headset again.”  
  
Xander was tempted to pull a Sebastian and mumble something about teenagers being a pain, but knew a reference from  _The Little Mermaid_  would be lost on Mr. Giles.   
  
Shaking his head, Mr. Giles headed to the boxes and lifted one before looking at him. “Let’s take some of them upstairs and check up on him.”  
  
Xander lifted one of the smaller boxes and then he hurried after his guardian to his room.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Wow! Xander thought, stunned, as he dropped the box he held along with his backpack and gaped at his new  _humongous_  room. He could put all his old house's furniture in it and there would still be space for more. Mr. Giles sat the box he held and went to his son’s room. Xander eagerly followed him, wanting to see the Will Mr. Giles had always complained about.   
  
Mr. Giles didn’t even knock on the door, he just walked in with Xander right behind him.  
  
Xander snickered, watching William reclining in a chair wearing his headphones and nodding his head enthusiastically to the music. His eyes were firmly closed, and his face congested like he was in pain. Must be the bleach, or probably the Faux-hawk hair. He was dressed like one of those rock stars on MTV, and his nails were polished in black. His black shirt had torn sleeves that showed arms that were even bigger than Billy Anderson’s, the boy in his class. Xander touched his own slim arms, hating that he didn’t hit puberty yet.  
  
Mr. Giles approached his son and grabbed the headphones from his ears. Will took a few seconds to grasp why he wasn’t hearing music anymore. Opening his eyes, he frowned up at his father. “What in bleedin’ hell did you do that for?! I bought those since you kept yappin' about the racket. What is it that you want now?”   
  
“Watch that language," Mr Giles spat. He released a tired sigh. "As much as I like not to listen to that rubbish again, I want you to be able to hear me when I call you.”   
  
“Were you calling me, Pops?” Will asked giving Mr. Giles the innocent face.  
  
Mr. Giles rolled his eyes. “I want you downstairs immediately to help with the boxes.”  
  
“What boxes?” Will retorted, irritated.  
  
“Xander’s,” Mr. Giles answered looking like he wanted to smack Will on the head.  
  
“Who’s Xander?”  
  
“That would be me,” Xander answered and waved his hand to the older boy.  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike looked the kid from head to toe. He looked about ten, average looking. And those baggy clothes; one of those nerd preppies apparently.   
  
Spike was quite upset about Mr. Harris' death. The man had always kept his Pop busy. He couldn't imagine not having his old man yapping about whatever fuddy duddy activity he'd done with his chum. The real shock was hearing about his father adopting Mr. Harris' little boy. He'd heard a few stories about the kid's family that he doubted the boy knew about.  
  
He eyed him with visible disgust. “Oh, that the tyke you adopted?”  
  
“Will…” Rupert gasped.   
  
“Yep, I am,” the kid answered. “And it’s Xander by the way. Got it, gel-head?”   
  
"Better than your 90s hair-do."  
  
"At least mine isn't fake and high-maintenance."  
  
"Do you even know what 'high-maintenance' means?"  
  
His father heaved a weary sigh, seeming to have just realized that he had got to take care of two little monsters.  _Not to worry, Pops. Three months and then I’ll be a frat boy._  
  
“Boys, please settle down. Will, do please come downstairs and help us with the boxes.”  
  
Spike pointed at Xander. “They're his. Why doesn’t he take them all to his bloody room by himself?”  
  
“Because  _I_  said so."   
  
Spike grumbled under his breath and got up lazily, following his Pops and Scrappy down the stairs. His eyes widened at the large number of boxes and before he could complain, Rupert gave him a warning glare and he shut his gap completely.   
  
When Spike noticed that his father was out of sight, he raised his leg in front of Xander who tripped on it and fell to the floor with the box in his hands. Spike grinned and kept walking knowing that the boy was glaring at his back.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander scratched his head, staring at the great number of boxes with dismay. He should've brought Jesse along –his Dad and Mom as well- because it would take weeks to empty these boxes along with the others that would arrive tomorrow. Maybe it'd be less of a burden if he started with the ones he liked. Before he knew it, he was done with two boxes in a matter of minutes.   
  
Hearing footsteps behind him, Xander turned around to find William standing in the middle of his room, holding one of his CDs.   
  
He stood up, grimacing. "I'm guessing knocking isn't on your list of virtues. That is if you have any."  
  
William was holding out the CD. “Johnny Cash? Never expected you to listen to this type of music.” He shook his head in amazement and placed the CD down. “Thought you were a pop nerd, big Britney Spears and N*SYNC geek."  
  
Xander gave a disgusted face. “On what planet do you live? It's Hilary Duff and Ashlee Simpson now.”  
  
William gave him a look.  
  
Xander blushed. "Not that I know any of their songs."  
  
William raised an eyebrow, and Xander noticed the scar that was on that brow. He watched as William looked around his room. Xander felt the pain in his knees and hated the way Will acted like he owned the room.   
  
Xander shifted from foot to foot. He had to make conversation, he couldn't just stay silent and let William rudely look through his stuff like he was Xander’s superior or something. “Do you like Johnny Cash?”   
  
Will barked a laugh. “I hate that sappy Country trash. I’m a rock n’ roll bloke. Rock is the real thing,” he pointed out with a nod as if he was the music expert.   
  
“I wasn’t into it either,” Xander confessed. “But the guy in the music store said they're the best considering the circumstances,” he whispered. Will didn’t seem to notice his distress.  
  
“So who were you listening to before that worthless recommendation?” Will asked looking at that big glass project Xander did for school with interest.  
  
Xander blushed again, looking else where. “Does it matter?”  
  
Will gave a teasing smile. "That bad?"  
  
Xander glared at him. “Like your choice of music is any better!”  
  
Will looked at him challengingly. “Have you ever heard a song by Sex Pistols?”  
  
Xander blinked. “Couldn’t they find a less disturbing name?”   
  
“I’ve got all their CDs. You better give them a try.” Suddenly, Will looked very excited.  
  
Xander raised his eyebrows. “I think I’ll pass.” He looked up at the scar on Will’s brow. “Where did you get this?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“The scar. What happened?”  
  
“Oh, none of your business.”  
  
Xander was about to explode. “I thought we were having a conversation here.”  
  
“Yeah, well, I’m bored with conversation. Just want to examine what other geeky stuff you got,” Will said while holding up some comics and action figures.  
  
Xander snatched the magazines, but couldn’t reach the action figures since the taller boy kept them out of his reach. Xander stood on his toes trying to catch them. “Give them back, Will.”   
  
Will grimaced. “Don’t call me that!” He wasn’t even making an effort to keep the figures away from him.   
  
“So, what should I call you? The Pain in My Ass?” Xander gritted out.  
  
“Name’s Spike,” Will couldn’t sound any prouder.   
  
Xander stopped reaching and just stood there staring at him dumbly, before bursting into gales of laughter. Will glared at him and lowered the hand he was raising. “Oi, what’s so funny?”  
  
Xander looked at him and tried to talk but every time he stopped to compose himself he started off again. Will got annoyed and raised the hand that was holding the figures again. “If you won’t bloody stop, I’ll throw this crap out the window!” he threatened irritably.   
  
Xander stopped right away, but the mocking laughter was still shining in his eyes. “It’s just… Spike? Couldn’t you find something cool to call yourself?”  
  
“What’s wrong with Spike?” Will sounded offended.  
  
“It’s a doggy name.”   
  
“It's not. And if you say that again I’ll…”   
  
_That’s it. He lowered his hand._  Xander thought as he reached out and grabbed his action figures away from Giles Jr.   
  
‘Spike’ stared at him with astonishment. Xander gave a victory grin. “You’ll do what?” he challenged.  
  
Spike glared. “All right,” he muttered, as he reached with his hand towards Xander’s glass project and pushed it off the table. It fell down and crashed to the floor causing little pieces of glass to fly around. Both boys avoided being hit by the shattered glass.   
  
Xander stared at his broken project on the floor with wide eyes. He turned to Spike and smacked him on the stomach very hard. “Why the hell did you do that?!” he screamed furiously.   
  
“You deserved it!” Spike yelled punching Xander in the face.  
  
The pain was unbearable. Xander’s focus was on the pain from the punch, that he didn't notice that he had dropped on the floor until few seconds later. He was thankful that he hadn't fallen on the shattered glass.   
  
Xander glared up at Spike with eyes full of fury and anguish. “How could you? This is the last project I did with Dad."  
  
“So what? Gonna cry now?”  
  
Xander tried all he could to keep the tears of frustration from falling. No success. Rich drops of tears fell on his cheeks making Spike smirk widely.   
  
“So, you gonna tell the old man about this?” Spike asked. “Thought you were a big boy when you didn’t tell him about the tripping earlier.”   
  
“Get out!” Xander snapped with a sob. Spike just shook his head and the annoying smirk was still in place. He walked slowly toward the door attempting to drive Xander mad. And God it did.  
  
The second Spike closed the door behind him; Xander released a low whimper of pain. He looked at his broken project and wept madly. He just lost his father, damn it! Wasn’t that enough? Now he had to deal with that idiot? Maybe he really deserved the doggy name, 'cause he was such a dog. But not the loyal kind.   
  
He looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like shit. The area around his left eye was swollen and he couldn’t let Mr. Giles see it. He was sure tomorrow the bruise would have a very nice color.   
  
  
  
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
That night, Giles walked to Xander’s room, smiling. He was happy to have dinner with someone else at the table. William always preferred eating in his room in front of the TV or outside with his friends. The last time that they had eaten together in the kitchen was when William had been at intermediate school. After that, William just wanted to be left alone and be separated from him.  _Men_  didn't spend their time with their daddies and mummies.   
  
Giles stopped by Xander’s door and knocked. “Dinner is served, Xander. I'll be waiting for you down in the kitchen."  
  
“Thanks, Mr. G, but I’m not that hungry,” came Xander’s reply, which was not the answer Giles had expected. He frowned, that was unlikely and strange. He always joked with Ethan about Xander’s appetite when it came to food. He was considering going in and seeing what was troubling the boy but asked instead, “Are you all right, Xander?”  
  
“I’m fine. I just wanna sleep, big day with the moving in and all. You go and eat.”  
  
“All right then,” Giles replied softly and headed downstairs to the kitchen. Alone.  
  
  
  


 

~*~*~*~

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

  
  
  
Xander's attempt to escape to school wasn't successful. Mr. Giles had caught him tiptoeing his way to the front door and was completely shocked to see the lovely purple color around Xander's left eye. Xander had to make up some lame ass excuse that Mr. Giles didn't believe. Mr. Giles must have suspected that Spike had something to do with it, but to Xander's relief still didn’t question him.   
  
“Hey, Xander!”  
  
Xander observed the way Jesse flinched at the sight of his injured eye. “What happened?”  
  
Xander shrugged. “Nothing, just fell.”  
  
“You fell straight on your left eye?” Jesse asked with a raised eyebrow.  
  
“Yes. I did,” Xander retorted with irritation.  
  
Jesse looked at him in disapproving silence.   
  
Xander sighed. “Can we talk about something else please?”  
  
“Fine,” Jesse muttered seeming to not like ‘avoidy-Xander’. “So how’s the new home?”  
  
“Huge. My room is even bigger than both my old house and yours.” Xander liked the way Jesse’s eyes lit up with excitement.  
  
“Awesome,” Jesse exclaimed. “So, we're hanging at your place after school.”  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike read through the song titles, choosing the best for tonight's gig. He glanced critically at his mates who weren't helping. Devon played with his belly button, yapping about some bird he'd shagged yesterday. He was all talk. Spike knew he had only slept with Faith, who almost shagged every boy on the campus.  
  
Parker smoked carelessly, leaning on his motorcycle. Being leader of their gang gave him the right to sit around doing nothing. Spike always gave him a pass, seeing as Parker was more of a bloke you go for when you wanna get down.   
  
Oz was polishing his guitar, sending Spike a few amused glances at Devon's prattle. Spike liked Oz the best, even though he'd usually just drop in a syllable or two. But there was something about Oz that said he was someone who's got your back whenever you need him.   
  
Parker chuckled through the smoke. “So, tonight's party at Harmony Jones’. Parent-free. I say after the Bronze, it's party time. Except for Oz since his goody gal couldn’t stay up on a school night.” He eyed Oz with sympathy. “Unless you wanna two-time her.”   
  
Oz smiled and shook his head. He was the only one with a steady girlfriend, Tara. Spike thought she had the shyest smile ever.   
  
“She won’t figure it out,” Parker tried to convince him.   
  
“Sorry, man,” Oz apologized. “I think I’d do some studying tonight, helps getting into college.”  
  
“Man, you disgust me,” Devon cried out with a screwed up face.  
  
Spike blew away smoke and held his cigarette away from his face. “Oh shut up, Blather Boy, ‘t least he's got a girl,” he said with a smirk.  
  
Devon scoffed. “What about you Mr. I-Shagged-Every-Chit-In-England? Is that what you really did? Or were you just hiding your little fag ass in a gay club?"  
  
Spike would have clobbered him if it wasn't for Oz who held him in place.  
  
Parker shook his head. “Guys, chill, you’re just stressed out 'cause you haven't been laid in months.” He turned to Spike, and said, “Don’t worry, English, we all know Harmony's into you. I’m sure you’ll have some tonight.”  
  
Spike’s lips twisted in disgust. “I hate that bint. Don’t want anything to do with her.”  
  
“Because she's penis-less,” Devon muttered.  
  
Spike was about to punch him, but Oz kept his hold of him firm. “I've rogered older women back in England, and English girls give it better than obnoxious Yanks!”   
  
Devon waved him off and left.  
  
Parker seemed to muse on the thought of English girls before he walked out himself.   
  
Spike cursed and jerked away from Oz’s grip. Devon was right. He'd never shagged anyone before. It wasn’t like he never had luck getting a girl to sleep with him. All girls worshiped him. The  _willy_  was the problem. It didn’t seem to enjoy the blessings of a naked girl.  
  
Oz batted his shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay. I’m sure tonight will be it.” Spike stared at Oz wistfully. He was the only one who knew, because he was smart enough to figure it out on his own. Spike didn't mind, since Oz wasn't much of a chatterbox.  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
“Wow!” Jesse exclaimed as he and Xander walked out of the kitchen to the lobby.   
  
“I know!” Xander agreed with him. They'd checked every single room downstairs. Xander didn’t have time to do it yesterday after the Spike fiasco. He even slept hungry so Mr. Giles wouldn't see his bruised face. Now that they finished with downstairs, it was time to head upstairs.   
  
The front door cracked open. Xander turned excitedly thinking that it was Mr. Giles, but his smile faded when he saw Spike coming in, and he turned away. Jesse noticed and eyed Spike warily.   
  
“Well, well,” Spike’s annoying voice dropped on Xander’s ears like a bullet. “Look who we have here. Droopy Boy and Droopy Boy Two.”  
  
“Get lost,” Xander hissed angrily, trying to hide his face.  
  
Spike grabbed his shoulders and spun him around. He gazed at his face. “You look like hell.”  
  
Xander jerked away. “You think?!”   
  
"You did that to him?" Jesse shouted angrily.  
  
Spike gave an amused grin. "Look at that, sticking up for your little friend, eh? Being all manly I see?"  
  
"Jess, let it go," Xander spoke tiredly.  
  
Jesse looked at him in disbelief. "But…"  
  
"Be a bigger person, buddy. He's not worth it."  
  
Spike looked like he was about to pummel him when they heard the front door open. They watched as Mr. Giles came in. He looked at the situation in front of him. "Is everything all right?" he asked, blinking.   
  
Xander and Spike grinned and answered together. "Yeah, everything's fine."  
  
Mr. Giles looked at Spike. "Uh… William, I'd like to talk with you privately." He inclined his head toward the living room.   
  
Spike went to the living room without answering his father, and Mr. Giles smiled at Jesse, "Good afternoon."  
  
"You too, Mr. G!" Jesse replied.  
  
Mr. Giles nodded and then followed Spike.  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
"Why did you hit him, Will?" his father's voice was firm and he had a hard look in his eyes.  
  
Spike looked bored. "I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
Irritation filled Rupert's eyes. "That big bruise in his eye area. I am certain it was your doing." Now his father's voice was getting louder.  
  
"And why is that?" Spike retorted.  
  
"Because I know you."  
  
Spike stared at his old man for a minute. "No, you don't," he muttered so low that his father didn't catch it.  
  
"I beg your pardon?"   
  
He shook his head and looked away. "Nothing important."  
  
The hard look returned to his father's eyes again. "Listen to me carefully, young man. If you hurt a single hair on that boy's head again you won't be pleased with what I'm going to do with you."  
  
Spike's head shot up. "Why do you care about him so much?"   
  
"Because he's the son of my closest friend, and I promised Ethan that I would take good care of him."  
  
Spike felt anger creep inside him. His father was willing to protect and care for some strange boy, but when it came to Spike, nothing mattered but his grades. Rupert never asked about Spike's friends, never asked about his band, never asked how many goals Manchester United scored in the last game. That didn't mean that Rupert was neglecting him. Sometimes he could be an absolute nuisance when it came to valuable books, the importance of education or criticizing Spike's friends. Not like his father even met them.  
  
His father wanted Spike to befriend the school boffins. He thought those namby pamby masterminds were his ticket to attend a respectable university. Whenever Spike got a bad grade, his father would blame it on his chums and end up grounding him. Yet his father was never that careful about his punishments, he would forget that he punished Spike the next day, therefore, Spike would be as free as a bird.  
  
That didn't mean that Spike wanted him to supervise every single thing in his life. God forbid. He just wanted his father to be someone he'd like to spend time with. Someone like his friends' fathers. Oz's father would listen to him playing the guitar. Devon's father watched sport with him. Parker's father watched the Playboy channel with him. So why Rupert Giles couldn't be interested in stuff Spike liked?   
  
"Are you paying attention?"  
  
Spike looked up at his father.  
  
"Never touch him," Rupert warned.  
  
He huffed and headed towards the door before his father's firm hand held his arm stopping him. He looked over his shoulder at Rupert. "Let me go."   
  
"Give me an answer first."  
  
"Okay, I'll leave the chump alone. Happy?"  
  
The moment his arm was free, Spike hurried out. He found the two berks sitting on the stairs. He eyed Xander coldly then went up the steps. He could hear their voices downstairs.  
  
"Mr. G, we're starving."  
  
"I'm off to make lunch. Would you two like to give me a hand?"  
  
"Sure!" came two excited voices.  
  
Spike cursed. That bloody perfect boy. He was sure his Pops was all fluffy inside.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

 

 

  
A heavy sigh escaped Spike's lips as he sat under a tree in the school yard. Rupert was furious with him. Two days after Spike had promised he'd never touch Xander, well, he couldn't help but lock the annoying brat in the basement, not forgetting to lock the windows, too. Spike was supposed to get him out before his father came back, but as usual, things never went his way.   
  
It was the universe's fault, it hated him so much. He'd been upset that he didn't score at Harmony's party and had to put up with Devon's prattle about the possibility of him being a poof. Therefore, he lashed out on the boy, but would his father listen? Big fat NO! Rupert hadn't even asked him why he did what he did. He'd just yelled at him and grounded him. Spike was not allowed to leave the house except for school. He was not allowed to call his mates, or have them calling him. And every afternoon, he was supposed to water his father's plants in the garden. For a whole month.  
  
 _Like I'm gonna stay at home for that long._  That had been his first thought when Rupert had grounded him.  
  
However, with the bothersome twit living with them, escape was impossible. Xander would remind Rupert of Spike's punishment. And  _yes_ , Spike did stay home for one whole month. Thank you very much.   
  
Now, to the other problem. What the bleeding hell was wrong with him? At Harmony's party, Anya Jenkins, one of the finest birds on the campus, was all over him and he couldn't get it up. That was all Devon needed to start his Spike-is-gay bollocks.   
  
He wasn't gay. He just didn't meet the right girl yet. Ok, that sounded gay. He sighed.  
  
"Yo, Spike!" Parker called his name as he ran toward him. He dropped next to him and lit a cigarette.   
  
"You got another one?" Spike asked. He sure needed to smoke right now.  
  
Parker shook his head. "Sorry, man. But hey, I have something better." His hand searched in his pocket and then he pulled out something resembling a cigarette, but was thinner and a bit longer.  
  
Spike stared at it for a minute. "Is that weed?"  
  
"Shhhh," Parker shushed him irritably. "You want us to get caught."  
  
"What is this?  _That 70s Show_?" Spike eyed the marijuana with interest.   
  
"Been having this stuff for a week."   
  
"A week? When? I've never seen you have one."  
  
"Where's your brain, English? I'd never use them out in the day for all eyes to see." Parker scoffed. "A friend of Dad's had one and gave it to me," Parker explained simply putting the object in his pocket.  
  
"He just gave it to you?"   
  
"Yeah," Parker replied thoughtfully. "Maybe 'cause I'm already eighteen, you know, adult at last." There was a childish gleam in Parker's eye that Spike rarely saw. Whenever the subject about adulthood was mentioned, Parker would get excited and never shut up about the possibilities an adult could do. That would involve booze and girls, his only interests.  
  
"I bought a bunch from him."  
  
"And your Pops doesn't know about it?"  
  
"He knows, he just doesn't care." He grinned. "That's the beauty of careless parents. They just let you have what you want. But even if he said something, I'll pull the eighteen card." He chuckled happily and lay down to enjoy his smoke.  
  
Spike stared at Parker for a while. As much as he wanted Rupert Giles to leave him alone sometimes, he would never wish his life to be like Parker's. The bloke's parents got divorced when he could barely walk. He ended up with his father, while his mother buggered off, wanting nothing to do with him. Parker's dad was an awful drunk. He never cared about his son. All he cared about was watching stripper women while drinking Vodka. Parker eventually turned out like his father. Spike never minded Parker's father, but wasn't insane enough to wish living with someone that irresponsible.   
  
Spike thought about the dope, surprised at how much he wasn't interested in it. Maybe he wasn't the bad boy he'd always thought he was. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. "Do Oz and Devon know about this?"  
  
Parker shrugged. "Your old man won't let me talk to you. Something about me being a bad influence and other stuff that I didn't really hear. Devon is a chicken, he'd freak out right away and I don't want to see that. And Oz is never around, probably with his goodie-good girlfriend," Parker sneered at the mention of Tara. He never liked her. Spike always thought it was because she was the only girl Parker didn't screw.  
  
"Anywho," Parker said. "I know they won't go for it. So I didn't bother telling them."   
  
"You told  _me_."  
  
Parker smiled. "You're exactly like me."   
  
Spike returned his smile. "Not this time, mate."   
  
"Why not? It'll make you feel so good," Parker said.   
  
Spike shook his head. "I'll pass." He got up, about to leave.  
  
"Spike!"  
  
He turned around looking at Parker. "If you change your mind, you know where to find me."  
  
Spike stared at him for a second before leaving.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike punched a tree on the way home, roaring out furiously. He'd met up with Devon and his new chit snogging in the school's hall. The ponce just couldn't hold the gay insult in. Once Spike had noticed Anya near her locker, he couldn't help but woo her into another try. At first she'd refused to have anything to do with him after the disaster at Harmony's party, but she had given in eventually. No one could resist him.   
  
 _What did it do to me anyway?_  Again he'd failed to have an erection. Even though Anya did the most erotic things to him, it still didn't work. When a fit bird sucked and bit on the tit, the todger should erect a mile. But it seemed that his was meant to be for the undead. Anya was humiliated and started blaming him for making her doubt her sex appeal. Then she'd left him standing naked and confused.  
  
'Maybe it was Anya.' Was what Oz had said. But Spike doubted it. Anya wasn't the only one he didn't get stiffy for. All the girls before her didn't seem to satisfy  _it_. He didn't tell Oz that, of course.   
  
The laughing snapped him out of his thoughts. He turned around and spotted his father and Xander laughing out loud in the kitchen. He walked over there and stood by the door. They were obviously laughing at something his father had said.  _Never knew Pops could pull a joke,_  he thought amused.  
  
"So, what's with the cackling?" he asked bored, watching the two notice him. Xander immediately stopped giggling and had a little smirk on his face.   
  
Rupert looked at Spike with laughter shining in his eyes. "It's nothing really. We were just talking about the entertainment that we're going to include for Xander's thirteenth birthday party next week."  
  
Spike arched his eyebrow. "Sprout's gonna be thirteen? Thought he was ten."  
  
Xander glared, but said nothing.   
  
"And why discussing the birthday party?" Spike said. "Thought children liked surprise parties."  
  
Rupert was about to answer, but Xander spoke first. "I'm not a child. And I wanted to be involved with whatever plans Giles was having for the party."   
  
Spike had an evil grin on his face. "Now you're spending Pops' money for your own pleasure? Already took the role of his son I see?"  
  
"William," His father warned.  
  
A flash of hurt crossed Xander's face but was immediately covered with anger. "For your information, I offered to pay for the party myself with Dad's money…"  
  
"No," Rupert interrupted looking firmly at Xander. "Your father's money is for you when you come of age. Now I'm your guardian and I pay for whatever you want…"  
  
He was cut off by the phone ringing. Rupert sighed and headed to answer it, throwing an angry glance at Spike on his way out. Spike was glad the phone interrupted his father's pep talk. He was not in the mood for another  _Blossom_  special.   
  
He turned to look at Xander, who had that maddening grin on his face again. "What is it, twit? If you have something to say just say it."   
  
"Well, I heard the most amusing thing at school today." Xander's annoying smirk got bigger. "There's a rumor going around about a high school band, Dingoes Ate My Baby. So I thought, isn't that Spike's band? It turned out that one of the members is kinda… um how should I put it? Playing for the other team... or in this case band."  
  
Heart pounding, Spike stared at the source of his annoyance, trying hard not to show emotions. "Where are you getting at?"  
  
Xander looked smug. "I heard that it can't be Oz since he's dating a girl. Not Devon too, 'cause he's also dating now. And the girls never shut up about Parker's skills in bed. So who's left? Let's just say I wasn't that shocked."   
  
Spike's lips trembled with rage. This was too much. He knew there was something wrong with him. The thought of being a nancy boy scared him, and he hated the reminder. Like Devon wasn't enough. Now this little fool was making fun of him.   
  
Fuming with anger, Spike stalked toward Xander, who giggled and was about to run around the kitchen's table. Spike got there faster and pushed it violently blocking Xander's way. The brat froze, looking at him startled. Spike grabbed him and threw him into the wall and watched as the back of Xander's head hit hard. Xander fell and looked like he was seeing stars.  
  
Spike snatched a big spoon and started beating Xander's cowering form with it. His mind screamed with fury, while he was striking the other boy with the spoon. Xander's face hid between his knees and hands. He was hissing painfully with every blow. Spike was blinded with anger and only saw Xander in front of him. He wanted the kid to hurt and bleed. He was bloody furious.   
  
Suddenly, a hand grabbed his, and the spoon was taken from him. He was pushed backward and was about to fall down but he stopped himself. He didn't know what happened and didn't care. His eyes were on the shivering boy on the floor, and he wanted to beat the hell out of him. He moved toward Xander but was stopped. He tried to push the person that stood between him and the fucking boy. The person raised his chin and he was looking at his father's heated eyes.  
  
Spike very soon realized that Rupert was yelling at him for a long time. He just didn't seem to listen to what he was saying. His mind was rambling about teaching Xander a lesson.   
  
Rupert shoved him outside the kitchen and was yelling furiously. Spike awkwardly stumbled into the main lobby while his father walked after him. He turned around and looked directly at the grim face.  
  
"What in God's name were you doing back there?!" Rupert spat out.  
  
"He was saying some shit 'bout me!" Spike growled wrathfully.  
  
Rupert raised his finger in a 'shut up' gesture. "Whatever Xander said didn't deserve you turning into a monster."  
  
Spike said nothing to that. He just stared at his father, panting with anger.   
  
Rupert sighed again. "What did he say?"   
  
"He said…" Spike stopped. He wasn't sure what his father would say about that rumor. "Nothing," he finished, looking away.  
  
His father rubbed his forehead in exhaustion. "Look, William, I warned you before. Do not come near that boy again…"  
  
"Why are you always sticking up for him?" Spike screamed, thinking he would faint. It was very obvious that he was having a problem, yet his father acted like he cared more about that… that…  
  
"He's just an annoying little piece of shit!"   
  
"William Giles!" Rupert howled. "Stop cursing around, and God never mention that to him! He just lost his father."   
  
"I lost mum, too. I don't see you showering me with compassion." What was deal with the he-just-lost-his-father bollocks? It had been nearly two months. The twat should just get over it.  
  
"But you have me. He doesn't have anyone but us," his father reasoned. He knelt forward to whisper the next words. "His mum doesn't want anything to do with him."  
  
"Why should she? He's a bastard."  
  
Slap.  
  
Spike's hand touched his cheek while he stared at his father in shock. "You smacked me for  _him_?" he whispered in disbelief. His eyes burnt with angry fire. "Fuck you, Rupert," he shouted and then ran outside the house.  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
Giles heaved a tired sigh. What had he ever done to deserve such a wearisome child? Why couldn't he be more like Xander? Remembering the younger boy, Giles raced towards the kitchen.   
  
Xander was hugging his knees to his chest, looking slightly shaky. There were bruises on his arms, Giles figured there were more but covered under Xander's clothes.   
  
Xander raised his eyes to Giles. They were wide and full of fright and shock. Giles knew that Xander had heard what William said. He walked toward the boy and soothingly pulled him into a warm embrace. "Are you hurt?"  
  
"Mr. Giles?" Xander asked in a frightened whisper.  
  
Giles felt unease. "Yes?"   
  
"What Spike said… what did he mean?"  
  
"He meant nothing."  
  
"But you hit him..."  
  
"I was upset with him. William... he was just angry, that's all."   
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

 

 

  
  
A bastard. Xander was a bastard. He was the illegitimate offspring of unmarried parents. By-blow, lovechild, whoreson. Upset, Xander shut down his laptop by holding down the power button until the system turned off. He stared at his keyboard, feeling something inside beginning to squeeze his heart so hard it almost broke. Was that why his mother was keeping her distance from him? Was it why she never came to visit? Was it why she hadn’t been there for his father’s funeral or asked about how he was?   
  
Many questions with no answers. Xander had always pretended he never cared, but inside he was dying. He'd given up asking about his mother when he was seven, because he knew he'd never get a straight answer from his father.   
  
The phone’s ringing startled him. He stared at it for a moment and then walked to his nightstand and picked it up.   
  
“Hello?”  
  
“Uh… is Mr. Giles present?”  
  
“No, he’s out."  
  
“Oh, well, in that case, tell him Edward called.”  
  
“Okay,” Xander answered lifelessly.   
  
“Thank you.”  
  
Xander put the phone down and then stared at the clock. It had been several hours since Giles left. After Xander’s little episode in the kitchen, Giles had bandaged his bruises, and then they'd gone to the living room to watch TV. Giles had put on the Cartoon Network channel for Xander’s sake, but Xander couldn’t help the anguished thoughts creeping into his mind. He'd also wanted to turn off the TV because the loud sound annoyed him. He'd considered going to his room, but didn’t want Giles to worry. After a few hours, Giles had received a phone call that had left him troubled: he'd raced to the door without explaining the problem to Xander.   
  
Xander had been too wrapped up in his dilemma to care. He felt guilty for not asking, but hoped whatever it was, that it wasn’t that bad. Judging by how scared Giles was, it was obviously  _that bad_.   
  
Suddenly, he heard the main door in the lobby crack open.   
  
"Get in there you bloody brat!" He heard Giles yell.  
  
Xander's eyes widened with surprise. It was the first time he heard Giles curse. He ran out of his room and stood on the top of the stairs. There was Spike and he was totally out of it, his eyes looked funny and he couldn't stand straight. The sight was really scary.  
  
"Xander," Hearing Giles call him name, Xander looked at the angry man. "Go back to your room immediately."  
  
Xander nodded, his eyes not leaving Spike. His mind was racing. What the hell did Spike do to look like this? Was he drinking? Or was it…?  
  
Once he was out of sight, he heard Giles yell at his son. "Marijuana, Will? Marijuana?!"  
  
Xander gasped quietly. He heard Spike yell back at his father, and thought about eavesdropping.  
  
"Go to your room, Xander!"  
  
He jumped and hurried into his room, pushing the door shut behind him.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike was beginning to focus a little. The colors were still brighter than usual, but his focus was getting back. Bugger, Parker was right. Spike did experience unnaturally intense feelings of pleasure. It was bloody marvelous after all the downs he had this morning.   
  
That pleasure he felt was starting to go away. He wanted to have more of that stuff but Parker's old man had said that it would kill him. Especially since it was his first time. That daft old man, he should have let him take more because it was beginning to fade. _And you know who else is dense? That sodding Devon, who chose that time to drop by. The pounce ratted us out to the police!_  
  
"What did I ever do to deserve this?" Rupert's shout was ringing nauseatingly in his ear.  
  
He clumsily turned around, looking for his father.  _Where the hell is he?_  He wondered looking around the very bright room.  
  
He felt hands grab his shoulders and then his eyes met his father's unclear face. "This is the most foolish, irresponsible act you've ever done!"  
  
"Bla, bla, bla, don't you know how to shut up?" Spike yelled. The loss of the pleasure was starting to get on his nerves. He wanted to break something. He had an urge to hit his father whose grip was hurting him. Rupert must have noticed that because his grip began to relax. Once he did, Spike started to sway a little but he was still standing.  
  
"How many times have I warned you not to accompany that boy?" Rupert went on angrily. "Look what it did to you. Drugs, jail, what would people say?"  
  
Spike scoffed. "Sod people! I don't give a shit about them!" He looked crossly at his father. "Why didn't you get Parker and his father out?"  
  
"Because I don't want such a boy to be able to contact you under any circumstances."  
  
Spike's bloodshot eyes widened dangerously. "Who do you think you are?"   
  
"I believe I'm your father," Giles spoke dryly.  
  
"What a load of cobblers!" Spike snarled. "If you call yourself a father, then tell me, what's the name of my band?"  
  
"What? I don't know what's the name of your…"  
  
"That's what I'm talking about. A normal father would have known that. I bet you didn't even know that I was actually in a band."  
  
"What is that supposed to mean?"  
  
"You never ask about me…"  
  
"I ask about you…"  
  
"You only ask about my grades." Spike was getting frustrated from the loss of the previous happiness. The only thing that would make it better was to yell. Get it out, whatever 'it' was. "The only time you annoy the bollocks out of me is when it's school related. Other than that you just don't give a bleeding shit."  
  
Giles' eyes narrowed dangerously. "How dare you say that about me? I care a great deal about you."   
  
"As much as Xander? I don't think so." Spike was beginning to get sober. He knew it because he was just realizing what he was saying. He never spoke his feelings about his father out loud. Not to anyone and especially not to Rupert.  
  
Giles' frown deepened in confusion. "What does Xander have to do with this?"  
  
"You give him all your attention…" Spike snapped.  
  
"I thought you didn't want my attention."  
  
"I do!" Spike could see the shocked expression on his father's face as he felt tears sliding down his cheeks. He wiped them away with his fist disgustedly. He was feeling both tired and aggravated, wanting nothing but to yell. It was the only way Rupert would notice him. Notice that he needed help.   
  
"I do," he repeated with a low voice this time. "Everything is fucked up. School's about to end and I'm the only senior in Sunnydale high who hasn't had his first shag yet."  
  
Spike ignored his father's embarrassed cough and went on, "I couldn't get off, not even with a very naked girl in front of me. Rumors have been going around at school; they say I'm a queer. Your precious little Xander delivered the news oh so nicely. All you cared about was his wellbeing. Didn't ask what bothered me, and the only thing left was Mary Jane."  
  
Hot tears slipped down his cheeks again, but this time Spike didn't wipe them off. He had just realized he was so jealous of Xander. He always thought that his father's neglect was the only thing that bothered him. But watching Rupert and Xander bond like his friends and their fathers, he couldn't help but think that it should have been  _him_.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Giles looked at his own son, tears wetting his cheeks. His heart was twisting painfully and all his rage drifted away. Giles walked to him and wrapped his arms around him. William pushed him away and kept some distance between them. A flash of hurt crossed Giles' face, but then he switched to anger.  
  
"You can't blame this on me," he said. "You built those walls between us. 'Cool' children shouldn't spend time with their parents, don't have breakfast with them. You'd never talk to me about your day at school..."  
  
"When did you ask…?"  
  
"I did. Don't even say that I didn't. I did ask you for years, and you would always grumble and head straight to your room. Eventually, I gave up – I thought that was what you wanted."   
  
They stared at each other for a moment, and William took a tentative small step approaching towards him. With a small, happy smile, Giles went to his son and hugged him close to his chest.   
  
William laid his head on his father's chest and just stood there, listening to his father's softly whispered, "Never doubt it. I love you."   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

 

  
  
As the weeks passed, Xander noticed the changes in Spike. He wasn't complaining about being grounded like he did last time. He was actually spending most of his time in his room, even during Xander's party last week. When Xander glanced through the door lock, he'd see Spike at his desk, studying. The final exams were approaching anyway, and Spike had to work hard if he wanted to be accepted into a good college.  
  
Spike's chances of getting into East Anglia University were very good according to Edward Giles, Rupert Giles' cousin. Spike would major in English Literature -as shocking as it sounded. He'd been the one writing the song lyrics for his band, before it fell apart.  
  
Xander noticed some changes in Giles as well. He was obviously blaming himself for what had happened to Spike. Giles would go into Spike's room every few hours with food or snacks, so Spike could concentrate more on studying.   
  
Xander didn't ask about what happened that night when Spike and Giles had that fight about Spike using drugs. He'd known right away when Giles brought a counselor for Spike.   
  
Right now, Xander was standing in front of Spike's room. For the last two weeks, he couldn't help but think about what Spike had said. The thing about him being a bastard. He guessed that Spike knew more about his parents than he did. He had waited long enough for Spike to pull himself together after the drugs incident, now it was time for answers.  
  
He knocked on the door and heard Spike's irritated voice answer, "Stop it with the chow, Pops. I'm full."   
  
"It's Xander."   
  
There was a pause.   
  
"C'mon in," came Spike's voice.  
  
Xander opened the door a little and peered inside. Spike, looking all punk like as usual, was settling in front of his desk reading a text book. Xander pushed the door open and let himself inside. He closed the door behind him and walked to stand next to Spike, who didn't seem to acknowledge him.   
  
"Spike, I wanna ask you something."  
  
"Shoot," Spike simply answered, his eyes still on the text book.  
  
Xander shifted from foot to foot. "Uh… that time when um… uh..."   
  
He didn't know where to start. Should he start with 'remember the day you smacked me with the big spoon?' or 'remember the day you got stoned?'   
  
"Stop stuttering and get on with it," Spike said rudely.  
  
Xander glared. Enough with Mr. Nice Guy. "You know something I don't know about my parents. Speak up."  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
Spike wasn't surprised. He's waited for Xander to come asking questions for the past two weeks. He let out a chuckle and turned to look at him, surprised by how young Xander looked. He was actually thirteen? "Yeah, well, I know some stuff," he said with a teasing smile.  
  
"Enlighten me."  
  
Spike shrugged. "I asked Dad right after yours died about your family, but he was too upset to answer. I was angry. Wanted to know about this brat who was coming to ruin my way of living…"   
  
"Spike," Xander interrupted.   
  
Spike stared at him for a minute. At first he was all for hurting the boy with rude comments about his folks. But now looking into those eyes with 'hurt me now with a single word' written all over them, and Spike figured he should just get it over with and tell the kid the whole truth.  
  
"Well, your da had a very strong relationship with an English woman. After seven years, she broke up with him. Took it hard to the point that he listened to one of his chums and went to a stripper club to perk up. After getting drunk and playing some, he woke up in the morning with a whore." Spike stopped talking and looked at Xander. The boy's arms were wrapped around his body tightly and his face was expressionless.  
  
"Her name was Jessica Parker?" Spike asked, even though it was stupid, both of them knew that was Xander's mother's name.  
  
Xander nodded silently. He ran a shaking hand through his hair. "So… they just slept together? No protection. I mean Dad could be very drunk but that was just plain stupid…"  
  
"He was hurting," Spike cut him off gently. "He didn't think. As for her I… "   
  
"She was just a slut," Xander spoke with an edge. His face had a hard grimace, as he looked down at his feet.  
  
Spike could see the humiliation all over the boy. This wasn't the first time this woman's name was mentioned to Spike. Mr. Abrams, Parker's father, did sleep with her once. Parker was actually named after her family. Parker didn't seem broken hearted by it though.  
  
The thought of Parker made his heart hurt a bit. It was really hard to think about him being thrown in jail for whatever time. Spike knew that he lost his friend for good now.   
  
"So what happened then?"  
  
Xander's question woke Spike from his musing. He looked bewildered. "What?"  
  
"What happened after they…? Did they freak out? Did they hate…?" Xander trailed off looking down like a puppy waiting to be kicked.  
  
Spike knew that it was up to him to either break Xander or make him feel better. Spike didn't know exactly why he disliked the boy in the first place. The first thought that came to Spike's mind the moment he heard his father was adopting a kid was how his life would be disturbed. Kids were annoying, screaming, running about, breaking stuff… actually if you look at it, Spike had been the one who gave Xander a hard time since he came here. He'd always mocked him, broke his project, locked him in the basement and hit him with a big spoon. Maybe it was Spike who had been the little monster.   
  
"Spike?"  
  
Spike jumped out of his thoughts. "What?"  
  
"Answer me!" Xander urged, annoyed. "What happened next?"  
  
"If you keep whining like this, I won't tell," Spike warned. "Ask nicely."  
  
Xander rolled his eyes. "Would you please continue, oh kind sir?"  
  
Spike nodded in approval. "Well, to be honest, your mum didn't want anything to do with you, but your father was willing to take care of you." He looked at Xander seriously. "I really don't know if he thought that you were a burden or not. I didn't know your Pops. But since he didn't drop you at a foster home I'm sure he wanted you around."  
  
"Way to cheer me up," Xander said sarcastically.  
  
Spike grimaced. "Now, I told you what you want, get out and close the door behind you."  
  
Xander sighed and walked towards the door, paused, "Thanks," he whispered.  
  
"You're still here?"  
  
Xander turned to stare at Spike with shock. Spike gestured with his hand at Xander as if he was ordering a dog. "Go."   
  
"Unbelievable," Xander said with a huff.  
  
He got out and closed the door behind him. Turning to his text book, Spike just smiled.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike inhaled as he stood in the airport, backpack on his shoulder, and was looking at the people going here and there. A new excitement went through his body and made him shudder. He was going to England. To college. Become a man. A stupid grin filled his face.  
  
He was leaving at last. He was getting out of Sunnydale's poisonous atmosphere. Everything went wrong in the last month. Spike's smile faded as he remembered, drugs, Parker in jail, their band shattering. He and Oz weren't that close anymore, and he didn't know what became of Devon. It was so good to get out of all of this mess. College would be different. Spike was sure.  
  
He spotted his father coming towards him after he took care of his luggage. Rupert gave him back his passport. "All right, I think you're settled now," he said softly.  
  
Spike nodded. "Thank you." He looked at his watch. There were only a few minutes until they called the passengers for the flight.   
  
"So this is it," Rupert said, smiling.  
  
Spike looked up and smiled back. "Yeah." He noticed the sad look in his father's eyes. Their relationship had just begun to improve. Spike actually started to enjoy spending time with the old man. His father knew how to play the guitar, and they sang together on a few occasions.   
  
Although he and his father started to come to good terms, he and Xander didn't come near any progress. They still fought and annoyed Rupert like hell. Xander had said that he would kill himself rather than come to the airport and say goodbye to Spike.  
  
"So will I be missed? Or is it good riddance?" Spike joked to lighten the mood.  
  
His father had a disapproving grimace on his face. "You know I'll miss you."  
  
"I know, Pops. Just teasing." Spike kept grinning. "Besides, I'll visit or you can visit. You and the brat… if he wanted to anyway," he finished, shrugging carelessly.   
  
"I'm sure he would." Rupert's eyes turned very serious. "If you needed anything, Edward will be there, or you can call home. I'll be there."  
  
Spike was touched. He smiled again. "Of course."  
  
A woman's voice rose announcing that the plane to London was about to leave. Spike sighed. "So that's my plane." He looked up at Rupert. "Now begins the college years."  
  
Rupert placed a hand on Spike's shoulder. "I… I'm very proud of you," his voice wavered saying that, and then he pulled Spike into a very tight hug.  
  
Spike hugged his father back as tight, burying his face in his father's shoulder. They hugged for a while until they heard a call telling the passengers to get on the plane. They parted and looked at each other for a bit then Spike walked to the entrance.  
  
  
  


**End Stage One.**


	7. Chapter 7

**  
Stage Two **

  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike stared at the white clouds from the airplane's round, small window. His leg twitched slightly as home was getting closer and closer. He wasn't the same bloke who had left four years ago. So much had happened, like Spike outing himself as a homosexual, and being engaged in two homosexual relationships. None of that could have happened if it wasn't for  _him_.  
  
A sad smile crept to his lips as vivid memories of them flooded his senses.  
  
His poetry professor, Angel, whom Spike had been attracted to the moment he taught his class for the first time. Angel was the one who helped Spike find his path. Spike could still remember how he would get uncomfortable whenever he saw this thirty-year-old, handsome man. He could remember how he'd tried to convince himself that he was _not_  into a  _male_  older professor. He'd spent weeks trying to hook up with a fine girl just to get his mind out of the poof insanity, until Angel had noticed him.   
  
Angel had treated him like a normal student at first, but when he'd discovered that Spike had a thing on him, everything changed. Angel, too, started to feel something toward him.   
  
They had gotten together in secret because dating a student, for a professor, was against the rules. The year they had together was the best time Spike ever had in his life. Angel had treated him like a man and was always referring to him by his name. He saw beyond the mask Spike wore in front of everyone. 'Spike' was a name he chose to toughen himself in front of the others. 'Spike' wore the good clothes, had the street accent, had the great hair and got the girls. He never liked his real self simply because no one actually liked him as William, until Angel.   
  
Spike loved being normal around him. In high school, Spike always acted like he knew everything, that he had all the answers, that he was tough and didn't need anybody's help. But with Angel he could ask questions, be vulnerable, let Angel read him like an open book and know that the man would still love him.  
  
Unfortunately, by the end of the year, Spike and Angel had gotten caught. Cousin Edward was called, and afterward his father. His father was never more disappointed.  
  
Rupert had insisted on sending Angel away to another university while Spike was still studying at East Anglia. Spike had had a long fight with his father, telling him that he was old enough to make his own decisions. Rupert, being a father, couldn't watch his young son start a relationship with a man twelve years older than him, not to mention a teacher. His father seemed to think that Angel was using Spike. That made Spike more furious, especially when the university sided with his father.   
  
Angel had been suspended from the university, which recommended him to other universities. He'd left without saying goodbye, and Spike never heard from him after the day they'd gotten caught. His father didn't allow him to return to Sunnydale or visit Cousin Edward for the summer. His punishment was to stay at the dorm. It had been a long summer that contained sorrowful thoughts about Angel.   
  
Spike had tried to move on. He'd dated another student his age the next year but it didn't work. Wesley was just a rebound. Knowing that it was unfair for them both, Spike had broken it off. After that, Spike's whole attention was on his studies and he missed out on every college activity and party. He'd never visited his father on holidays, but stayed at Cousin Edward's instead.  
  
He heaved a sigh as it was announced to fasten the seat-belt. The plane was about to land.  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
Spike grinned when his father pulled him into a tight hug. Rupert looked the same; Spike had expected to find some gray hair on his head.   
  
They broke the embrace. His father was smiling softly at him. "You've gotten taller?"   
  
Spike's smile didn't waver.  
  
Rupert hugged him again. "I missed you."  
  
"Me too, Rupes," he said taken aback by the loud expression of affection. He eased himself away and took one of the bags while his father held the other one.  
  
"Let's get in the car," Rupert said and they headed outside.  
  
Inside the car, Spike took the passenger seat, and his father handled the driving. Rupert listened to Spike closely as he talked about getting a flat.   
  
"… So I thought I'd stay with you until then, if it's okay with you?"  
  
"Stay as long as you like," Rupert said casting him a warm smile. "So did you figure out what to do?"   
  
Spike didn't answer. He had some ideas about his future but wasn't sure of them yet. He supposed that at his silence his father thought he hadn't made a choice yet.   
  
"I could recommend you as a teacher at Sunnydale high," Rupert suggested.  
  
Spike grimaced. The last thing he needed was to be in control of some kids who didn't want to be controlled. He had been one of those kids. He understood how annoying and indecorous high school teens could be. "Nah," he answered. "Not into the teacher bit. I thought of… writing. I have a couple of ideas I think I'm going to try. I like the idea of writing books, publishing them, what do you think?"   
  
"You know what's best for you, and I'm supporting you on whatever you decide," his father said, smiling. He turned warm eyes to Spike. "I'm proud of you."  
  
Spike returned the smile. "I'm glad you are." He shifted a bit in his seat. A little overwhelmed by the big amount of warmth his father was giving him. He wanted to change the subject.   
  
"So, how's Xander?" he asked looking at his father. "Why didn't he come?"  
  
"He was still in school. I excused myself to get you. He's probably at home right now."  
  
"So what grade he's in?"  
  
"He's a senior."  
  
"Wow, kid's grown up," he said, amazed. He couldn't possibly grasp the idea of Xander being anything but the short middle-school boy Spike had left.  
  
"You'd be surprised," Rupert muttered. Spike didn't like the tone. Of course, he couldn't imagine Xander being older since he'd never visited on holidays. It must have hurt his father deeply.   
  
"I'm sorry I never visited, Rupert," Spike spoke seriously. His father frowned at use of his name, but didn't comment. "I was… I was into studying to get my mind of…"   
  
"I know, it's fine, Will," his father cut him off gently. "I know you went through a lot in your first year… uh… you know when I yelled at you…"   
  
"You were right to do so. It was… wrong. I shouldn't have…"  
  
"You were just a child. It's  _his_  fault," his father said with venom dripping in his voice. "He should have…"   
  
"I was an adult. I made my own decisions."  
  
After Spike's protest, they both settled into a heavy silence that was broken by Rupert after awhile.   
  
"I've always thought it was because I told you not to come that year…"  
  
"No, it's not that," Spike cut him off. "I was into studying and I didn't make friends or party around. Things were… difficult."  
  
"You really cared for him," his father said softly. Spike could see the regret in his father's eyes as if he'd just realized that Spike's feelings for Angel were real and not some teenage crush on an older professor.   
  
"I did," he admitted sadly. He was pathetic, the old pain still hurting him after all these years.   
  
"I tried to. Move on that is. It got complicated. So I focused on studying instead. Been dragged to a few parties. I had fun, it was a change. I began to loosen up a little and thought seriously about moving on, but it's too late as those parties were three weeks before the finals of my last year." He looked out of the window lost in thought, watching an old lady beating up a young man who had tried to take his baseball from her big hat where it had fallen. It looked too cartoon-ish. He never thought these things happened in real life.  
  
"I'm sorry, William," his father's whisper brought him back to the situation.  
  
"Yeah well, let's leave the sappy bits for now. So how are things going on for you and the brat? He's still crying over his Pops?"   
  
"He'd doing fine now."  
  
"Glad to hear."  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
The house looked the same, there were a few changes here and there, but over all, it hadn't changed. He let go of his luggage and looked over one of the paintings that had been replaced.   
  
"I shall take your luggage to your room," he heard his father saying.   
  
Spike hurried towards Rupert. "It's all right. I'll take them myself."  
  
"What? You think I'm an old fuddy-duddy now?" His father scowled teasingly.  
  
Spike chuckled, shaking his head. "Of course not, but still…"  
  
"No, no, I'll take them to your room. You better get reacquainted." With that, Rupert left both bags, each in one hand, and walked chest puffed to the stairs. Spike turned looking at the lobby he hadn't seen in a long time.   
  
"So you're back?"  
  
He turned to the strange yet somewhat familiar voice. A young man stood by the kitchen door, leaning against the door frame, arms crossed.   
  
Spike narrowed his eyes. The boyish features were still there. The voice changed. The hair was shorter. He was wearing a white short-sleeved shirt that revealed his tanned arms. His long legs were covered with tight dark blue jeans. He was much taller than he used to be. Spike feared he was even taller than him.   
  
"What? Don't recognize your brother?" Xander smirked, and that smirk worked much better on his face now.  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

 

 

 

  
  
  
  
  
Xander managed with great effort not to show his shock at Spike's strange change of appearance. Spike was wearing a suit, how creepy was that? Everything looked the same except for the suit. The hair was still bleached but gelled back now. Over all, Spike looked... somehow sophisticated. The way he was standing, the way his eyes were widening, the way his mouth was gaping, all that looked more British, definitely not Spike.   
  
"What? Cat got your tongue?" he asked curtly.  
  
"You look…" Spike said and looked him over again. "Different."  
  
"Good different or bad different?"   
  
Spike approached him. "Good. Very good," he said, nodding in approval.  
  
"You fancy me now?"  
  
Spike stopped walking; now lifting his eyebrow. "I see you gained some confidence?"  
  
Xander shrugged. "You like the way I look and well, you're a faggot."  
  
"Whoa, whoa language, sprout. I left for a few years, and you learned a couple of unpleasant words?”   
  
Xander noticed the displeasure that flashed through Spike’s eyes for a second after he had called him a ‘faggot'.   
  
"Unpleasant?" he said with a laugh. "Man, you really are gay."  
  
"So?" Spike said with an irritated frown.  
  
"It's not manly," Xander replied simply.  
  
Spike's face grimaced in disgust. "Not manly?"  
  
Xander grinned, watching as Spike seemed to consider beating him again. Well, too bad. Xander wasn't that old weak munchkin anymore. He would never be the same pushover for Spike. Pushover was over.  
  
"Oh, here you are," Giles' voice interrupted the heated stares between them, as he walked down the stairs. "Would you join me for a cup of tea?"  
  
Spike, not taking his eyes of Xander, answered, "Sure, Rupert."  
  
"Xander?"  
  
"Not a tea fan, Dad, and you know it." Xander noted the stunned expression on Spike's face, but ignored it. "Think I'll just go to my room," he said, smiling at Giles while heading towards the stairs. Now that wasn't too bad. Not like they broke anything. Few insults wouldn't hurt anyone.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
"He calls you 'Dad' now?"  
  
Rupert sat on the couch, taking the teapot and pouring some tea for Spike. "Yeah, he started that about two years ago."  
  
"So much for the 'No one can replace my dad' nag," Spike mumbled, accepting the cup his father offered him.  
  
Rupert frowned, not pleased with the comment. "Well, he had to move on eventually. It all started when Mrs. Rosenberg mistook me for Xander's father."  
  
"Mrs. Rosenberg?"  
  
"Oh, you haven't met her yet. She's our new neighbor who moved in with her husband and only daughter. On her first visit, she had addressed me as Xander's father. Xander didn't correct her."  
  
Spike looked at his teacup, unsure how to feel about this. Xander had always separated himself from them. He never acted like he was a part of their family, always acted like a guest.   
  
"I was thrilled actually," Rupert went on with a warm smile. "I've always thought of him as a son since the moment he first came to live here. I was very glad that he accepted me as a father."  
  
Rupert took a sip of his tea unaware of the pain that ripped his son's heart to pieces. An old feeling of jealousy started building up again. Spike had been aware of his father's preference of Xander for years, but was surprised that it still affected him negatively. He should be past this by now.   
  
"Does uh…" Spike swallowed a lump, eyes cast down. "Does Mrs. Rosenberg still think that you're Xander's real father? I mean with the different last names and…"  
  
"Oh, no, Xander had told her daughter the truth," Rupert said, taking Spike's half empty cup and poured more tea in. "She transferred to Xander's school. She's a nice girl indeed. A good friend for Xander."  
  
Spike nodded, taking the full cup. Now Rupert was complementing Xander's friends? He never did so with Spike's. Though, he did have a good reason not to.   
  
Spike looked at his father in suspicion. "It's strange that since you two are quite  _close_ , you don't consider adopting him… as a real son."  
  
"Xander would never forget Ethan," Rupert answered quietly.  
  
Spike noticed bitterly that his father didn't answer the question. He was 100% sure that Rupert wanted Xander to be a Giles. Yeah, well, enough was enough. Xander had already taken Spike's father; he couldn't take his last name, too.  
  
And didn't that just sound pathetically familiar? Xander always made him revert to the jealous idiot he'd once been. That part of his life was buried. He was a new person now. He shouldn't be jealous of Xander. Poor sod was just looking for a family. Spike almost smiled. Good, now he was back on track.  
  
"So," Rupert said looking at him. "What do you think of Xander?"  
  
Spike shrugged. "He changed. A lot. Do you remember when he used to be short?"  
  
Rupert laughed. "Yeah, I can see why you're a bit shocked. Xander had a quick jump when he'd hit fourteen."  
  
"So it seems," Spike said with a laugh. He looked at his tea for a while. "He's a handsome young man."  
  
Rupert smiled.  
  
Spike looked up. "And I'm not saying that because of my current state."  
  
"State?" Rupert frowned.  
  
"The homosexuality," Spike clarified.  
  
"Oh, yeah, of course."   
  
Spike was glad Rupert had no problem with who he was. Unfortunately, his supposed younger brother did. Or didn't. Obviously, Xander being a git to him had nothing to do with Spike's orientation. Spike deserved it actually. However, he had a strong desire to get to know Xander, wanted to start over new.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander stared at an old picture he had in his drawer. It was the picture that Jesse had taken of him, Giles and Spike four years ago standing in the kitchen around Xander's thirteenth birthday's cake. He remembered how Giles had convinced Spike to take this picture before the guests arrived, since Punk Boy didn't want to be in the party.   
  
It occurred to Xander how Spike wasn't much of a punk now. Although appearances could be tricky, if Spike had really changed why didn't he visit? Why didn't he answer Giles' calls? Leaving your father hurt and devastated all these years was not right. It pained Xander to see Giles all worked up for someone who wasn't worth it, even if he was the man's son.  
  
Xander's gaze shifted to himself in the picture, he looked up to see his face in the mirror. He did look like a ten year old back then.  
  
Xander leaned back in his chair with a sigh. His life had changed completely after his father's death. At first it had been like hell with Spike living with them, but when Spike had left for college everything changed for the better. Life was really great now, even better than his time with his father, he admitted unhappily.   
  
When his father was alive, none of his family really approved of him, which had always confused him. He'd frequently asked his father about it, and the answer he'd get was that they still had Aunt Joyce. Yeah, Aunt Joyce was the only one who helped his father raising Xander. The thing was that Aunt Joyce didn't like Xander either. She had babysat him hundreds of times, but she only did it for her brother. She'd made sure Xander knew that.   
  
He never heard from Aunt Joyce lately. He never actually saw her after his father’s funeral. She was very angry that Ethan had given Xander's guardianship to a strange man, who wasn't a Harris. A great insult, especially after all the baby-sittings and love she had given the little boy. If she really loved him, then where was she now? She was just upset because she feared what people might say about her, not because she wanted to be his guardian.  
  
He bit his bottom lip resentfully. The Harris' were all ashamed of him. Because of his mother. Who Jessica was disgusted them.   
  
The same thing was happening with Giles' relatives, particularly that Aunt Lily. She had always stared at Xander up and down like he was some dirty old socks. The other relatives were mostly giving him the pity looks, which Xander mistook at first for his father's death until a girl two years younger than him asked, 'Is your mum really a slag?' Then she laughed along with other kids.  
  
Screw them. It wasn't his fault his father got drunk and made a mistake.   
  
Shaking his mind from the anguish thoughts, he looked at a more pleasing picture. It was him, Jesse and Willow at Disney Land. He was glad he'd introduced Giles to Mr. McNally, Jesse's dad. They got along just great. Xander finally got to go fishing with Giles, who didn’t like fishing, but with the insistence of Xander and Mr. McNally, he'd stooped. Giles didn’t deny having a good time and that was when he rewarded Xander and his friends with a trip to Disney Land. That was one of the best days of his life.   
  
That was actually why he was happier now. He had Giles, Jesse and his family, Willow and her family. They all loved him and cared for him and that was all Xander wanted.  
  
Suddenly, someone knocked the door. Xander spun the chair to face the door. "Yes?"  
  
"Can I come in?" Spike's voice could be heard from outside.  
  
Xander stared at the door and considered saying no with a sarcastic comment for few seconds. But he settled with, "Yeah."  
  
The door opened slowly, and Spike peered in with a grin. "Hey."  
  
Xander nodded with a forced smile. What did he want?   
  
Spike, not aware of Xander's exasperation, closed the door behind him and looked around the room. He looked at Xander, amused. “No posters?”  
  
Xander shrugged. “No favorite band, even if there was I don’t think I’d be hanging posters.”  
  
“Cool kid,” Spike said impressed.   
  
“Nah, not one of those most popular kids either. Just average.”  
  
“Yeah, well, those are the best ones,” Spike commented with a smile as he continued examining Xander’s room.  
  
He was trying to win Xander over. Well, Xander was not falling for that. Man, he hated this new polite Spike. It was hard to hurt him while he was acting this nice. It would have been much easier to torment the older annoying Spike.  
  
“Is this your new friend?”   
  
Spike was holding a picture of him and Willow. Xander nodded. “Yeah, she is.”  
  
Spike looked at the picture. “She’s cute. Got good hair.”  
  
“That was taken three years ago, her hair is a lot shorter now,” Xander said while he approached Spike. He stood next to him looking at the picture.   
  
Spike glanced at Xander and jumped, laughing. “And you definitely got way taller,” he commented.  
  
Xander looked at Spike. He was probably a few inches taller than him. “Well, you’ve got to see Jesse. He’s even taller than Dad.”  
  
Spike’s smile faded, and he was now staring at him quietly.  
  
“What?” Xander asked in aggravation.  
  
“Nothing,” Spike shook his head looking away. “Just… you said 'Dad' and…”  
  
“Someone needed to since his own son wouldn't,” Xander said sincerely, giving Spike a tough look.  
  
Spike looked sharply at him. “I love my father.”  
  
“Really? Then where have you been all these years?”   
  
“I was… I…" Spike stuttered, before looking sadly at the floor. "It was a hard time for me. You won’t understand.”  
  
“What? You getting fucked by your teacher?"   
  
Furious, Spike stood face to face with him.  
  
"What? Gonna hit me again?" Xander spoke without fear. Just try it, big freak.   
  
Spike closed his eyes, giving an irritated sigh. "No, I'm not going to hit you," he let out turning away.  
  
"Like you could," Xander challenged.  
  
Spike turned heatedly at him. "Look, I just want us to get along."  
  
"I don't get along with faggots," Xander replied.   
  
Spike was about to explode, but raised his hands in surrender. "You win. I'll get out of here."  
  
Spike headed out of the room and snapped the door shut behind him. Xander stared at it quietly. He'd acted really childish, but he couldn't help it. He was still bitter over the past. He couldn't seem to forget it. He just wanted to hurt Spike, and being gay was the easiest target. This was for all the times Xander was locked in the dark basement alone listening to Spike’s scornful laughter from outside.   
  
Grimacing with mortification, Xander didn’t regret every single word he'd said.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

 


	9. Chapter 9

 

**  
  
**

  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander cursed under his breath, glancing at the clock on the wall while putting his shoes on. He woke up early today, but spent too much time chatting on the net and forgot about school. Grabbing his bag, he raced to the door, then to the stairs.  
  
"Gonna be late, gonna be late, gonna be late," he chanted, jumping two steps at once, and almost tripping.   
  
He ran to the kitchen looking for Giles, knowing he'd be pissed. Xander abruptly stopped at the sight of Spike sitting at the kitchen table and eating breakfast.   
  
Spike looked up with a smile. "Hey there, want some pancakes?" He said it too friendly as if they hadn't fought yesterday, Xander observed.   
  
Xander looked around the kitchen, ignoring the previous question. "Where's Dad?" he asked.   
  
"Went to school, needed to go early," Spike answered, swallowing a piece of pancakes.   
  
"Oh.” Xander nodded, relieved. He dodged a bullet, which was mostly a new lecture about the healthy usage of the internet and net addiction. “Guess I'll just…"   
  
"Eat some pancakes?" Spike interrupted optimistically.  
  
"No, I should get to school. I'm gonna be late." He frowned at Spike's cheery behavior.   
  
Xander was about to leave when he heard Spike's yell, "Wait for me."  
  
Xander spun around, staring at Spike as if he had grown another head.  
  
"I'll go with you," Spike said with a simple smile.  
  
"You'll go with me to school?" he asked incredulously.   
  
"Yeah," Spike stressed, confused.  
  
Xander crossed his arms around his chest. "And why is that?”  
  
"Miss it,” Spike said with a shrug. “Want to see if it changed much."  
  
"Can save you the trouble, it's exactly the same."   
  
"Well, it doesn't matter because I'm going." Spike placed the fork on the table and looked at Xander, daring him to say no.   
  
"Who said you can?"  
  
"Rupert," Spike answered contentedly. "He said I can go with you."  
  
"He did not," Xander exclaimed. He didn't doubt Giles suggesting that, but he couldn't bear having Spike in the car with him the whole way to school. Can you say "torture"?  
  
"You can ask him."   
  
Xander jerked his head back, grunting. "Great, just great."  
  
"Hey,” Spike cried out defensively. “You weren't my first choice either, git. But Rupert wanted to head off early, and I can't go anywhere without breakfast."  
  
"Well, hurry up and finish, 'cause I'm gonna be late!" Xander yelled and watched as Spike ate his breakfast terribly slow. Xander wanted to explode.  
  
  
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike grinned when he got in the passenger seat. He had forgotten how fun it was annoying Xander. Turning to his furious driver, who just took his seat, he remarked, “You sure you know how to drive this? I don't want a fast trip to the hospital on my second day back home."  
  
"Since I've been driving it for a year now, I'm pretty sure I can," Xander spat, irritated.  
  
"You drive like an old lady," Spike said, staring out of his window.   
  
"This is called following the law, which obviously isn't on your list of priorities."   
  
Touché, Spike thought.  
  
"Besides," Xander went on. "My driving is way faster than the way you were eating, if I’m late for class it's your fault."  
  
Spike stared at Xander’s angry face and couldn't help but notice how handsome he looked frowning like that. He gaze drifted to Xander’s arms, they were covered with soft masculine hair. They reminded him of Angel’s arms, except Xander's had more hair. Spike wanted to feel their silkiness between his fingers. Or better yet feel them stand up with every shudder …  
  
He blinked, snapping back to reality in an instant.   
  
Was he… was he just imaging touching Xander’s arm in the throes of passion? Did Xander notice that? He couldn't risk finding out, he had to do something. He immediately looked straight ahead. “Oh, video store. Didn’t change over the years!”   
  
Xander said nothing, his eyes still on the road, and his mind obviously wasn't with Spike.  
  
Spike tried hard to breathe normally. His brain was rambling, what was that all about?  
  
  
  
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander ran as fast as he could. He had just parked his car and dragged Spike out with force. He didn’t care to stay and hear Spike’s whining since he quickly ran into the school. The first period would start any minute and there were almost no students in the halls.   
  
He turned to the left and was relieved to find a few students who still hadn’t entered class or they were simply ditching them.  
  
Suddenly, he stopped when he saw  _her_. She had just closed her locker and held her books to her chest firmly, shrugging on the bag's strap on her shoulder to keep it in place and started walking. His heart started beating when she walked in his direction, her golden hair floating in the air, her beautiful figure confidently striding.  
  
He swallowed nervously while he watched her getting closer to him. He sadly noticed that her hazel-green eyes weren't focused on him and he knew then that she wasn't heading toward him.  
  
As she passed him, his heart painfully squeezed because she didn't notice him, because he knew she would never notice him. He heaved a sigh, and groaned when he looked down at his pants.  
  
  
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
Xander found the class door still open, which meant the teacher wasn't in yet. He darted into the noisy classroom and jumped into the empty seat in front of Jesse, releasing a relived sigh.  
  
He could see from the corner of his eye Willow, who was seated next to his friend, giving Jesse an amused glance. “Mr. Always-on-time is late today. Could the reason be Buffy-related?” Jesse asked from behind his panting form.  
  
He shifted in his seat, and turned to look at his two friends with a big grin, not saying a word.  
  
“I guessed right then,” Jesse said. "That girl is getting to you, dude.”  
  
“Look who’s talking," Willow said. "The boy who got whipped by Cordelia.”  
  
“Hey, Cordelia is the stuff dreams are made of!” Jesse exclaimed defensively.   
  
Jesse was attracted to Sunnydale High’s most popular girl: Cordelia Chase, daddy’s girl, a beautiful, rich cheerleader with the sharpest tongue. Jesse had never kept his crush on her a secret and he was always a victim of her insults. Willow also had run ins with the Prom Queen, which was reason enough not to like her. As for Xander, he never cared for her or her witty tongue which caused her to be bored with him and consequently ignored him.   
  
“At least Buffy is nice," Willow commented dryly. She turned to Xander with a smile. "Right?”  
  
“Yeah," he said softly. "She reminds me of…”  
  
“Dawn?” Willow guessed with a worried frown.  
  
“Here we go again." Jesse dropped his head on his desk in boredom.   
  
“Oh no, I’m over her. Totally over her. Gosh it’s been like six months since she left, of course I’m over her." He shouldn't have repeated 'over her' a thousand times, because judging from their expressions they didn't believe him. Dawn was Xander's girlfriend since their freshman year in high school, however, six months ago her father got a better job in New York City, and Dawn had to transfer to another high school there. Both of them realized that long-distance relationships could never work, and there ended their relationship.  
  
This year, Xander's eyes caught Buffy Summers, a new transfer who immediately found her crowd with Cordelia Chase. She was another cheerleader, who was actually different from other cheerleaders. Buffy was far from cruel and cocky, although she was another spoiled daddy’s girl, just like Dawn had been.  
  
“I just meant that they have similarities,” he explained.   
  
“Like that childish way of talking?” Willow asked with a raised eyebrow, she sounded nothing but scornful.   
  
Buffy did abuse the English language while speaking. Dawn used to be the same. Actually everything about Buffy reminded him of Dawn. Did that mean that he didn’t get over Dawn? He thought he did because he never seemed to think about her recently. Lately, he started thinking about Buffy, a girl he couldn’t have. He knew she would never look at him that way, but he liked to dream.   
  
“What’s up, Will? You’re jealous of Xander’s girls?" Jesse teased and looked at Xander with a grin. "Someone's got a crush."  
  
“Shut up, Jesse!” Willow yelled, hitting his arm while Jesse laughed. She turned away, looking slightly upset.  
  
Xander looked at her sympathetically. It wasn't him Willow had a crush on. Xander knew about her feelings for Jesse even though she had never told him. He had once asked Jesse what he thought of Willow, in an attempt to help her. Jesse replied that Willow wasn’t his type and he liked her as a friend but nothing more. As much as Xander loved Willow and wanted to see her happy, he couldn't force Jesse to feel for her. He just hoped she would get over him and move on with her life. He wished the same thing for himself as well.  
  
The teacher walked in, and the classroom fell silent. Xander cursed quietly. If he knew the teacher would take this long to come, he wouldn't have run through the halls like a lunatic.  
  
  
  
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike walked through the halls of the high school. Xander was right. Nothing had changed, except for the names in 'prom queens posters'. He stood in front of a small one and looked at the picture of a young cheerleader, judging from the outfit. 'Vote for Cordelia Chase' was written under the picture with a dense quote.  
  
Spike looked up at her face. She was beautiful, they were always beautiful. Her eyes had a shade of brown, and he remembered Angel.   
  
He shook the bitter memories away and gazed at the cheerleader's long brown hair. The hair reminded him of Faith, now Spike doubted that this young lady was anything similar to Faith. This one looked like a spoiled brat, while Faith was nothing but the school's slut. Until this day he was surprised that Faith had never tried to get him into bed, she did flirt with him on different occasions, but she was never all over him like every guy on campus. Perhaps she read through him and knew he wasn't into chits.   
  
He turned to leave and suddenly, he walked into someone very hard. "Oh sorry," Spike mumbled, looking at the person he almost ran over.   
  
The woman looked back at him, her eyes widened. "Oh my God, Spike?" she cried out and smiled happily  
  
He had a surprised smile in return. "Tara?"  
  
She let out a laugh and hugged him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder while the other one was holding her books to her chest. He hugged her back, smiling. Of all his school class mates, Tara was the last person he thought he would ever meet again.  
  
He drew back gently and looked her over. She filled out a little. Her hair was shorter to her shoulders. Her face looked as Spike remembered it, the warmest face he'd ever seen.  
  
"Oh God, how've you been?" she exclaimed happily.  
  
He shrugged. "Good, just got back from England."  
  
"Right, you went to college there."  
  
“Right.”  
  
She grinned looking entirely thrilled to see him. "Hey, I've got nothing now, why don't we have some coffee at the faculty lounge?"  
  
  
  
  
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"So you're a teacher here?" Spike asked, taking a sip of his coffee. He preferred tea, but never minded coffee. At least he wasn’t like Rupert. The old man would never replace tea for anything.   
  
"Since last week."  
  
"What do you teach?"  
  
"Math. Kids don't like that."  
  
"I expect not."  
  
Tara smiled. "What about you? You have a degree in literature, right? Going to teach here?"  
  
"No.” Spike shook his head. “I'll be doing some writing. I'll start publishing some poetry or short stories in the media, getting people to know me first, and then I may consider writing a book."  
  
Tara nodded, taking a small bite from her muffin.   
  
"So," he said, looking down at his cup. "What about the others? You and Oz are still together?"  
  
"No, we've broken up during sophomore year in college."  
  
"Sorry to hear that," he spoke softly looking up at her and noticing a flicker of sadness in her blue eyes. The idea of them apart was quite odd. He had never considered the possibility of the two breaking up. They were really tight back in high school. He even thought if he had ever met them again they'd be married or at least be engaged.   
  
"Yeah, well, we had our differences,” Tara went on softly. “I wanted him to major in the subject he wanted, but you know Oz, he always wanted to be with me. He couldn't get his grades up though."  
  
Right. Spike noticed the many times Oz preferred spending time with Tara over them. "What happened?”  
  
“Well, since Oz’s grades weren’t improving. We started fighting and things got ugly. I knew that music was Oz’s passion and I suggested he make it his major. But Oz insisted that he liked what  _I_  liked and well, I yelled that I wanted to break up.” Tara shrugged. “I didn’t want him to throw his whole future away just because he wanted to be close to me. I couldn’t live with that. After our break up he quit college and left town.”  
  
“You did the right thing, Tara,” he said sincerely.  
  
“Really?”  
  
Spike nodded. Oz rarely spoke his mind, always been the one to agree with the group. It wasn’t much about insecurity, but more of an Oz thing.   
  
“Do you want to know about the others?” she asked kindly.  
  
“If you don’t mind.”  
  
“Not at all." She took a sip from her coffee. “Well, Devon didn’t get into college. He’s working for his father in one of his companies. As for Parker…”  
  
Spike’s attention was more focused now. He really wanted to know what happened to his screwed up friend. After all these years Spike couldn’t bring himself to be angry at Parker. His friend had a rough life and he never complained, even though Spike thought that Parker’s attitude was due to troubled childhood. However, his friend’s choices and view of life were always wrong.  
  
Tara sighed. “He was released last year.”  
  
Spike’s eyes jerked wide. “He spent three years in jail?”  
  
Tara nodded. “I know, he wasn’t supposed to spend that long there. But stuff had happened during his time in jail. His father was killed,” she said sadly.  
  
“Oh God,” Spike whispered, shocked, and covered his face in his hands.  
  
“Parker… his stay in prison had extended. I really don’t know the true story, but according to Oz, Parker must have tried to avenge his father. On the news, they had reported that Parker tried to escape, I’m not sure who to believe.”   
  
Spike’s face was still hidden in his hands. He had never thought that things would turn out this poorly for Parker.   
  
“I’m sorry I don’t know much.” There was a pause. “You really cared about him,” she said gently.  
  
“I did. It wasn’t entirely his fault, his life was… unstable.” He raised his head with a sigh, looking up at her concerned face. “Have you uh… have you visited…”  
  
“Oz did. Once I guess. I never did… well… Parker was never fond of me…”  
  
“I see. It’s all right. So you don’t know where he is now?”  
  
“No, Oz and I had already broken up when Parker was released. Even if we were still together, I doubt that Oz would have known, he had only visited Parker once as far as I know. The only one who was really close to Parker was... ”  
  
“Me,” Spike finished quietly before looking down at his cup. If Spike hadn’t left, if he had visited during holidays, maybe just maybe Parker would have…  
  
“I’m so sorry, Spike.”  
  
Spike heaved a sigh and looked into Tara’s eyes. “I made a vow before coming here. I want to start over new, I want to forget the past and concentrate about the future. Parker was in the past and there’s no use for regrets over something that was done and over.”  
  
Parker, Oz, Devon… and Angel, they were all in the past. Wallowing in the past wouldn’t do Spike any good. He had to move on, he was going to move on.  
  
Tara smiled. “I guess it’s for the best,” she whispered looking at the distance. He didn’t doubt that she was thinking about Oz.  
  
“Yeah.” He nodded, approving. It was time to change the subject. “So, math, any favorite students?”   
  
"It's been just one week," Tara said, laughing.  
  
"Which is long enough for them to make an impression."  
  
"I guess you're probably right. I like this over there," she said, pointing at the school yard.  
  
Spike noticed many kids. No one was wearing any geeky glasses.   
  
"The redhead walking along with your brother," Tara clarified.  
  
Spike's eyes caught Xander walking with his friends, the redhead and Jesse. Jesse looked like he should have joined the basketball team. Spike looked at the tiny redhead walking between the two. Her hair was shorter than in the picture, looking innocent and sweet. She did look like an intelligent nerd.  
  
It seemed like they were having an argument. Jesse skipped water on Xander and the other did the same leaving their little friend giggling and screaming. Spike's eyes focused on Xander’s wet shirt sticking to his chest, showing the play of muscles on his growing torso.   
  
Nice chest, Spike mused, before he frowned, what?!   
  
"Spike," Tara said grinning, bringing him back to reality. “Did you see her?”  
  
He shook himself out of dreamy land. “Huh? Yeah, yeah, uh… she’s the Rosenberg girl. Xander told me about her yesterday."  
  
“Yeah, Willow Rosenberg. That girl is really gifted.”  
  
Spike couldn’t bring himself to listen to Tara’s praising of Willow. His mind was nervously trailing. He was gazing in attraction at his brother’s chest. He shouldn't be gazing at his  _brother_ 's chest.   
  
Technically, Xander wasn't really his brother, but they were living together like brothers. Spike never really got the brother vibe from Xander, or the other way around. The only thing they did was fight and insult each other, which was something brothers do. Yet, it didn’t feel brother-like to Spike. When two strangers fight like that all the time it would be described as sexual tension.   
  
Okay,  _that_  was wrong. He shook his head. That was sodding wrong.  
  
"You all right?" Tara asked, concerned.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Right now, he was looking at everything  _but_  Xander.  
  
  
  
  


 

~*~*~*~

 


	10. Chapter 10

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was a hot Saturday, but then, this was California after all. Spike turned on the car air conditioner and closed his eyes in boredom at the annoying traffic. The red light was on for a bloody long time, and there were a billion cars ahead of his. He couldn't wait to get back home and tell his father about the perfect flat with the reasonable price he just found. Those last five days had been hell as he did nothing but search and search, though he should consider himself lucky finding a flat in a matter of five days.

The quick search for a flat was due to Xander getting on his nerves. Ever since Spike came back home, Xander didn't waste any opportunity to make him feel like the biggest scum on the earth. He could never forget the day he'd accompanied Xander to school. The way Xander introduced him to his little redhead friend, how he kept rambling about how Spike screwed up when he was in high school. And that Jesse, he kept looming over him, being tall certainty had its advantages.

The best thing that came out of revisiting his old high school was reuniting with Tara. He'd gone to her flat twice, and invited her to his house once so far. They went to the movies together and he took her bowling and such. So basically he spent all week with the company of Tara.

They spent so much time together that Mrs. Rosenberg thought Tara was his girlfriend. When Rupert corrected her, she just nodded sadly muttering something that sounded like, "Why is it always the good looking ones?"

Spike never thought that he would enjoy hanging out with Tara that much. They weren't that close in the past. She was just Oz's girlfriend: sweet, shy and that was it. She was still the same girl he knew four years ago, probably more fun, unless she used to be this fun but he never bothered to know.

The traffic light turned green after what seemed like hours of wait. Spike heaved a relieved sigh and waited until the cars in front of him started moving.

It turned back red before Spike crossed.

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

"That's wonderful," Rupert exclaimed happily. He was in the kitchen, fixing lunch when Spike told him the great news.

Spike sat tiredly, swabbing the sweat off his forehead. "Yeah, looks good, and the rent is practical given its location and size."

"You know I can…"

"No Rupes," Spike cut him off with a wave of his hand, looking at his father seriously.  
"Point of all this is for me to be the twenty-two bloke I am."

Rupert nodded, understanding, even when worry was still in his eyes. "But you don't have a job yet."

"I'll swing by the press on Monday." He grew frustrated at the heat. "Stupid weather makes a bloke want to kill himself. Been sweating non-stop since I left the building."

"This is Sunnydale. It's always hot, especially this time of year." He looked at Spike who was soaking in sweat. "Why don't you take a shower? Lunch is almost done, it'll be ready when you finish."

"All right then," he said standing up and taking his jacket with him. Before he left the kitchen he heard his father calling, "Oh, and tell Xander to come in and take a shower himself!"

"Where is he?"

"He's watering the garden."

Spike walked to the back door with a groan. He didn't want to get out in the sun again. He peeked outside looking for Xander, but couldn't see him. The rays of the sun irritated his skin. He took a few steps forward and then spotted Xander's back behind one of the big trees. He was about to call his name, until Xander's body moved a little making the view of his chest more visible.

Spike stood speechless at the sight of topless Xander watering the plants. He was wearing white sweats and nothing but a towel thrown over his neck. Now under the sun rays Xander was a vision. The work of muscles on that tanned body, the sweat dripping down that hard chest were all enough for Spike to stand speechless under the formerly annoying sun.

As Xander moved to hose some of his father's roses, Spike snapped out of it. He drew back quickly, and yelled, "Xander, lunch is gonna be ready in a few!"

"Okay!" he yelled back.

Spike ran to his room, locked the door behind him and just stood there catching his breath and looking down at the tent in his pants.

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Sunday Morning:

 

The J: so?

X-man: LMFAO

The J: I know ^^

X-man: *headshake* looks as bad as the last season of Star Trek

The J: *snort* don't compare that crap to this perfection!

X-man: the problem is Captain Archer, he's missing something the other captains had

The J: right, btw what are you doing today?

X-man: *grumble* Captain P's apartment we're supposed to leave now

The J: he's finally moving out?

X-man: Yep so glad

"Xander, c'mon, don't you get tired of chatting!" Spike's voiced drifted to his ears.

X-man: speaking of the devil

Xander turned around to find Spike peeking through his half opened door. Spike went inside, walking toward him. "Get moving now."

Xander turned to the screen with a grimace.

Spike stood behind Xander and peered at the screen over Xander's shoulder. He rolled his eyes when he found 'Captain P' mentioned and not in a good way. He knew Xander enjoyed talking bollocks about him with 'The J'. Bloody hell, what were these kids calling themselves?

Spike was lost in his mental mockery to notice how his cheek was feeling Xander's soft hair. It was all happening instinctively, like it was meant to happen. Spike, aware of himself now, was not able to move away, not able to stop it. He closed his eyes and buried his nose on the soft locks. He breathed the scent of shampoo and something that was Xander. It smelt nice, warm and…

"Spike? Are you sniffing my hair?"

Spike jerked back, alarmed. The sun light hurt his eyes from suddenly opening them up again as if they were closed for hours. His finally adjusted eyes, and stared blanched at Xander's amused ones.

"I… wasn't," Spike stuttered. "I was looking for lice," he finished quickly.

"Uh huh." Xander didn't look convinced.

"You have a mop of hair," Spike explained lamely.

Still looking at Spike in amusement, Xander nodded at the door. "Why don't you go ahead? I'll say goodbye to Jess and shut down the laptop."

"Right," Spike replied frantically, feeling blood rushing to his cheeks. He stumbled outside the room in a haste.

Xander stared at him quietly while he got out. Once the door was closed, he immediately started pressing on the keyboards.

X-man: guess what?

The J: what?

X-man: CP has the hots for me!

X-man: he was sniffing my hair

X-man: should've seen this coming, it was so clear from the beginning!

X-man: gonna be fun

X-man: Jess?

X-man: buddy?

The J: your bro has the hots for you?! *vomit*

 

~*~*~*~


	11. Chapter 11

Spike lay down on his bed and touched his full stomach in irritation. He hated being full, and knew he shouldn't sleep after eating a large meal. But there was so much to do tomorrow.

He'd walked into the house this evening to be greeted with a gaggle of people he didn't know yelling, "Surprise!" He'd almost had a fit, especially when an overweight woman pounced at him and pinched his cheeks so hard she almost tore them off his face. He didn't feel safe until he noticed Tara's familiar and friendly face. Apparently, his father decided he'd throw him a moving-out party right before the day he moved out. And he was going to tell Spike about it, except Xander thought it was better to make it a surprise party. The wanker was obviously behind inviting all the strange people. 

Spike had thought about having a small gathering at his flat, once it was fully furnished and well… once he got more friends to invite. Okay, he almost considered liking that bloke who worked in the Accounting Department at Sunnydale Press until said bloke told him he looked gay -whatever that meant. Spike looked like he always looked, which was probably gay because he was gay. Anyway, sod him. 

Speaking of Sunnydale Press, they gave Spike a corner in the newspaper to write his own columns. It was a small space in the paper, but it didn't bother Spike. Writers started like this at first, right? 

He'd considered writing a poem for his first piece, but quickly decided against it. Poetry was never his companion to success, so he'd written an article instead, and they liked it. He wondered if he should write a short story; he'd never done so before, but the idea appealed to him. One day he might write a novel. One day, though. Now he needed to pay the rent. 

He tossed and turned in his bed uncomfortably. The party had just finished and most of the guests had left, except for Mrs. Rosenberg and her daughter. He'd excused himself because he needed to catch some sleep for tomorrow, and Mrs. Rosenberg wasn't a stranger. The thought about tomorrow made him groan. Moving boxes, putting every item in its place, and rearranging the new furniture. It was hard enough buying decent furniture. The last two weeks had been the hardest. 

He still had to get more cutleries and material to decorate the living room. His father was very displeased when Spike forgot to get the bathroom utilities and bought a TV instead. But TV was more important than towels and he still got his toothbrush and shaving cream from here, why buy new ones? 

Despite the pain in his stomach, Spike was happy. He had a flat, his very own place. He was very excited when he showed the place for the first time to his father and Xander. Rupert was very proud, and Xander… well… he was being Xander but odder.

Ever since that bloody incident in Xander's room, Xander had been giving Spike those intent looks, smirking at him for no reason. But he'd mask them by pointing at a chink in the wall or yapping about at the small size of the bathroom. No, no… it wasn't anything odd; it was just Xander being a pain in the arse. Spike was just being paranoid. 

But still, it only started happening right after the sniffing bit and… sometimes from those looks and smirks Spike got the idea that… what if Xander thought Spike fancied him? From just a sniff?

Spike snorted. He didn't fancy the idiot. Did he? 

He remembered how Xander's growth threw him off-guard, how he'd imagined touching his arm in the car, and how he'd grown hard at the sight of Xander's wet shirt sticking to his chest, showing off the muscles. And then there was Topless Xander watering the garden. 

Perhaps he did fancy him. Could it be possible? Spike grunted, no, no, no, this couldn't be. Not Xander. Not the obnoxious tosser. This was bloody fucked up.

Okay, okay, calm down. It might not mean anything. It might be just a phase. He might see Xander as another rebound for Angel, because he did think about Angel's arm while he was ogling Xander's. Could he be any more pathetic? Would he ever get over Angel? He already had a rebound lover, and it ended so poorly. Why keep getting attracted to tall dark haired men?

He closed his eyes and gave a long tired sigh. He shouldn't get overworked over this now. He should get some sleep because he needed all his energy for tomorrow. He would think about his screwed up love life later.

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

"You drank too many Colas, Xander. It's not healthy!" Willow exclaimed at Xander who drank his fourth Coca Cola. They were sitting in the kitchen after the guests had departed, while their parents were sitting in the living room talking. 

"Let me have my fun," Xander complained. "This is more my party than his." He took another swallow of his soft drink.

Willow shook her head. Xander was clearly happy that Spike was leaving the house to his own place; the unnecessary huge party was a big evidence of that. She didn't understand why her friend held this grudge over Spike. Jesse had told her about what younger Spike did to Xander, and she explained it as typical big brother behavior. But that didn't convince Xander or ease his grudge.

And now Xander found the best opportunity to humiliate and hurt Spike back. He seemed to think that Spike had a crush on him, and Xander was going to make sure he would torture Spike as a pay back. 

"So how's this tormenting Spike plan working out for ya?" she asked as she watched him drink more beverages. 

Xander coughed in his drink then raised his eyebrows at her. "Funny it's you who's asking about it."

Willow frowned. "I still don't like it, I'm just asking." She fixed him a disapproving look. "I still think it's cruel and unethical."

"Well, he deserves it," he gave a straight answer and returned Willow's look with a glare of his own.

"Xander, what Spike did do to you in the past was just that: past. Besides, big brothers can be mean, and I'm stressing on the word brother for a reason here." She paused, gathering her words. "I can't believe that Spike has a crush on you, it's weird and disturbing… and are you sure he has a crush on you?" She looked at him, uncertain. 

"Don't get all Jesse on me now, Will." Xander was tired of them misgiving the whole thing. "I told you I'm very sure he does. I've noticed things."

"What things?"

"Spike was attracted to me the first time he saw me after he came back, I know it."

"That doesn't mean a thing, Xander…"

"Besides, he's gay," Xander added, ignoring her outburst. 

Willow rolled her eyes, putting both elbows on the table and looking at Xander ridiculously. "And being gay mean he has to get a crush on every guy he sees?" 

"No, but he sees me everyday…"

"He sees your father everyday, does that mean…?"

Xander quickly placed his hands on his ears. "Don't you dare finish that question, Willow Rosenberg?" 

Her eyes winded horrified before a disgusted expression appeared on her face. "I know, ewww, what was I saying?" Her face twisted in disgust some more.

Both of them had a moment of silence to recover from the image. It didn't seem to work so Xander started talking to distract them. 

"I'm not saying Spike is harboring a major jones for me because we live together." He leaned forwards, looking at her seriously. "I noticed stuff… there were looks… lust looks… he's been casting me lust looks."

"I'm sure they're not lust looks, Xander. He's your brother," she pointed again. 

"He's not my brother, Will," he replied quietly. 

"I know," she whispered. "But don't you feel like he's your brother?"

Xander thought about it. "No," he answered firmly. His face was nothing but serious.

"At all?"

"Look, we never got along when he was here and… back then I didn't feel like part of the family. It was all new." He remembered his first day in the house after his father's death. The way he felt like the outsider, like he was a foster child, like all the nice things Giles did for him were for charity. And Spike had made sure he felt that way. 

He grimaced remembering the many times Spike called him 'adopted boy' or 'homeless whelp', the way he laughed at him, the day he broke the glass project he did with his father. Xander no doubt was happy when Spike left for college. "It was when Spike left that I started to feel like I'm home, you know. Spike coming back didn't even change the way I feel about him." Whatever Spike did, it would never erase the painful looks on Giles' face when Spike never answered his father's calls or visited during the long four years.

"But now I feel like he's the guest… the unwanted guest. I always have this vibe that I'm the son and Spike is the adopted kid. It's weird…" he paused. Xander was clearly more of a son to Giles than his own son ever was. It was also clear that Giles was thinking the same way. 

He caught the sympathetic look on Willow's face, and shook his head. "But the point is... I never thought of Spike as a brother. And I think he feels the same way, too."

"How do you know?"

"Well, he clearly has a crush on me."

She gave him a look.

"He does! You'll see… the day after tomorrow, I'll start my Spike torturing plans."

"Why the day after tomorrow?"

"Well, tomorrow he's gonna be busy with emptying the boxes and so… it's not fair to disturb him."

She raised an eyebrow. "Sounds unbelievably selfless… can't seem to believe you 'cause you're being selfless to Spike." 

"And 'cause tomorrow is Saturday and I don't wanna waste it on him," he finished sheepishly. 

Willow nodded, relived. 

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

The door was knocked.

Spike stared at it with a frown. He wasn't expecting anyone. He walked to the door, and peeked through the peep hole to find Xander standing there, whistling. Spike's brows furrowed before opening the door. 

Xander stopped whistling and gave him an aggravating smirk. 

"What're you doing here?" Spike asked right away.

Xander simply smiled, making his way inside while speaking, "I thought about visiting yesterday but figured you'd be busy with..." he trailed off when the sight of a room filled with unopened boxes met his eyes, "… unpacking." 

Xander turned back to Spike. "You haven't unpacked yet?" he asked, pointing at the boxes. 

"I was busy." Spike crossed his arms, still unsure why Xander was at his flat. 

"With what?"

"My article for the newspaper," Spike explained, nodding at the papers and pencils on the table. 

Xander eyed the big pile of torn papers inside and outside the trashcan critically. "What is it about?"

"It's a short story." 

Xander's gaze fell on the papers Spike had written on the table. "Doesn't look short to me," he commented. 

Spike glanced at the used papers. "Yeah, I got… carried away. I think I'm gonna cut it to six parts and see what they'll think." 

Xander nodded, uninterested. "Uh huh, you do that and I'll be sitting in front of the TV 'waiting' for my coffee."

A flicker of hurt trickled through Spike for a second before he realized that he hadn't gotten Xander a drink. "Oh… uh… you want something to drink?" he asked awkwardly. 

"I just said 'waiting for my coffee'."

Spike stood up, about to head to the kitchen. 

"But I want a soda."

Spike stopped to scowl at him before he made his way to the kitchen. He grabbed a soda from the fridge and then a box of cookies from the drawer. He still didn't know why Xander was here, but knew that whatever the reason was it wasn't a good one. 

He came out of the kitchen with the soda and cookies box. Once his eyes caught Xander, both the bottle and the box met the floor.

Xander was sitting on the couch, topless. Spike's gaze traced the bronzed skin, the defined muscles, the dark hard nipples, to the narrow waist where the thin line of hair led downwards, disappearing into his jeans. Spike felt the twitch in his tight jeans; his breath caught in his throat. 

However, when his gaze met Xander's eyes that were filled with unquestionable self-satisfaction, the magic was off, and Spike found himself very calm and infuriated. 

"Why isn't your shirt on?"

"It's really hot in here," Xander answered simply. His eyebrows met with a fake concerned frown. "Is this making you uncomfortable?" 

"That skeletal chest?" Spike scoffed.

"Oh, I don't know about that." Xander started touching his chest lightly. "Cordelia herself was all over me when I joined the swim team last year. She said I have a smooth, tanned, muscular upper body," he said each word very slowly.

Spike's eyes were locked in that slow motion. Xander's fingers lightly brushing over his dark nipples, slowing going downwards to play with the soft dark hair in his belly.

Xander smirked. "You think so too, huh?"

Spike got in touch with reality. He looked up at Xander's face with a grimace, trying to find something to say. "I have to work on my article." With that lame excuse he went over the table to write, or try to. 

The pencil shook between his fingers, and Spike had no idea what to write. He moved the pencil, pretending to write something. He hoped Xander wouldn't notice the blank, white paper. 

The sound of Xander gulping down the soda played on his nerves. His heartbeat sped slightly when the empty bottle was placed right next to him. He almost shivered at the thought of Xander standing right behind him. He flinched when he felt Xander's hands on his shoulders, rubbing them. 

"You look tense," Xander whispered. 

The feeling of Xander's talented fingers on his shoulders, squeezing them, made Spike ache. He closed his eyes, letting those fingers continue their work, in that slow soothing rhythm. He tried so hard to keep the moan in. 

Suddenly, he felt Xander's nose on his hair. Spike's eyes flew open. He jerked away from Xander and stood up, facing him. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked furiously. 

Xander's startled expression eased slowly. He smiled. "Looking for lice."

Spike's lips were a thin line.

Xander stared back, smiling. "I should probably leave so you can finish your work." Xander went to the couch and seized his shirt. After slipping it on, he left the flat with a wave.

When Xander closed the door after him, Spike sunk into his chair thinking about what just happened. 

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Jesse laughed out loud when Xander told him about his visit to Spike's apartment. Xander had saved the news for school to see the reactions on both his friends. In contrast to Jesse, Willow wasn't impressed at all. "You took it way too far." 

Jesse wiped the tears of laugher from his eyes. "Yes, he did. It's hilarious."

Willow turned her angry eyes to him. "No, it's not. It was nasty."

Jesse waved her off. "No, it wasn't."

"Yes, it was! Playing with someone's feelings like that is wrong."

"Oh, and Spike hadn't done a thing to Xander?"

"That was when Spike was a stupid teenager."

"And now Xander is a stupid teenager. Sorry, man."

"That doesn't mean that Xander has to sink to Spike's level."

"Yes!"

Jesse and Willow turned their confused eyes to a grinning Xander. He looked at them with enthusiasm. "I know how to make things more fun."

Willow sighed. "Oh, Xander, c'mon."

"What? What will make it more fun?" Jesse asked, excited.

"I'll pretend that I'm attracted to him." 

Jesse and Willow gaped at him.

 

~*~*~*~


	12. Chapter 12

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  
"You're going to what?" Jesse asked, flustered.  
  
"Pretend I'm attracted to Spike," Xander repeated simply.  
  
"You can't do that!" Willow exclaimed.  
  
He looked at her, bored. "Why not?"   
  
"Because this is sick, Xander. This is just taking it way too far, and if you did it, I'll just lose all my respect for you," she yelled, then continued in a quieter tone, "Which is in fact starting to decrease already."  
  
"Besides, what if he worked it out?" Jesse pointed out.  
  
Xander turned to him, shocked. "You think it's a bad idea, too?"  
  
Jesse shrugged. "Well, yeah, I mean the guy isn't a dope. He'll see through you 'cause you're not attracted to him." He paused for a second, looking thoughtful. "You're not really attracted…"  
  
"No, I'm not," Xander cut him off with a shout.  
  
"Then don't do it," Willow pleaded. "Look I know Spike must have been the biggest jerk to you in the past, but is it really worth it?"   
  
Xander's brows furrowed as he stared at her pleading eyes.   
  
Jesse placed a hand on his shoulder. "Hear me out, man. Say Spike fell for it. He may want to do something drastic like, I don't know, make out?"   
  
Both Xander and Jesse gave disgusted faces at the thought.   
  
Willow just rolled her eyes.  
  
Xander sighed. It was a great risk, and he admitted in his mind that he was taking it too far. But it was a blast making fun of Spike. Why 'was'? He could still carry on the fun, just not risky fun.   
  
"You know," Xander said, "it's not really worth it. Even though I've proven myself to be a great actor after the last interaction, acting like I'm attracted to him just sounds too heavy on my shoulders."  
  
Both Jesse and Willow gave smiles of relief. "So, no more playing mind games with Spike?" Willow asked hopeful.  
  
"Are you kiddin' me? Of course they'll be more. C'mon, I won't give that up for anything."  
  
Willow shook her head disappointed while Jesse looked a little uncomfortable.   
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
Xander stood in front of Spike's door. A silly smile worked itself on his lips. Classes were a drag, assignments were plenty, and Giles had burned his lunch. So hopefully this afternoon he was going to enjoy himself. He couldn't wait to cause Spike more embarrassment. Grinning with glee, he knocked on the door.   
  
"Who's there?" Spike called from inside.  
  
"It's me!" he yelled back.  
  
A few seconds and the door was opened revealing a very bored Spike. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I won a bet," Xander merely said while passing Spike into the apartment.   
  
"What's that now?"  
  
"I won a bet with Jesse and now I'm watching this porno." Xander pointed at the DVD in his hands.   
  
Spike blinked, still not comprehending. "Right." He closed the door, still looking at Xander and the DVD with a cover full of blinding red and yellow colors. "And what does that have to do with me?" he asked while crossing his arms against his chest.   
  
"You have a DVD player, don't you?"  
  
"Again, why me?" Spike asked again with assertion.   
  
"Well, can't watch it at home. We only have one DVD player, and it's in the living room. And Dad is always in the living room," Xander explained already walking to Spike's DVD player.  
  
"Watch it at your friend's house." It was more like an order than a suggestion.   
  
"He lost the bet. He's not allowed to watch it."   
  
"What about your other friend?" Spike tried his hardest to stay calm.  
  
"Willow?" Xander asked with a raised eyebrow.  
  
Spike heaved a suffering sigh.   
  
"What's the matter, Spike? Thought you wanted us to bond." Xander threw himself at the couch with a remote in his hand.   
  
Cursing under his breath, Spike extended his hands in surrender. "All right fine, but I'm not watching this." With that said, he walked back to the table to keep on working on his new article for the paper.   
  
Xander glanced at him and then turned the volume up. The sound of cheesy porn music started playing, and Xander was sure Spike wouldn't be able to concentrate.   
  
"You have popcorn?" Xander raised his voice.   
  
The pencil fell from Spike's hand, which clenched in a show of irritation. Xander tried not to snicker. "You're eating popcorn while watching porn?" Spike gritted his teeth.   
  
"What's wrong with that?"  
  
"What was that bet about anyway?"  
  
 _Okay, now it's time for the real fun_. He widened his eyes and exclaimed, "What?! Oh no!"   
  
Spike looked at him over his shoulder. "What?"  
  
Xander trembled, aiming at the screen with a shaky finger. "This is gay porn. And not the girl on girl action."  
  
Spike looked at the screen. There was a guy licking another guy's nipple ring. Xander bit his lips, trying hard not to laugh when a deep blush spread on Spike's cheeks. He immediately wiped the smile off his face when Spike looked at him. "You didn't know?" Spike asked, suspicious.  
  
"Jesse must have played me. That's why he didn't complain about not watching." Xander glared at the screen.   
  
Another moan from the hot dark-haired man on TV, and Xander noted Spike getting more uncomfortable. Spike turned away to his papers and blurted out, "Then turn …"  
  
"Urgh, what the hell is he doing?"  
  
"If it's not what you betted on, you can turn it off."  
  
"God! This is the most disgusting thing…"   
  
"You can…"   
  
"I've ever seen…"   
  
"… turn it off…"   
  
"I mean why the hell does he…"   
  
"… you… grrr…"   
  
"… have to bite his… "   
  
"TURN IT OFF!"  
  
Xander jumped in his seat at the shout before turning his irritated eyes to Spike. "What's your problem?"  
  
Spike got up, went to turn the TV off, looked at Xander expectedly. "What's going on?"  
  
"What?" Xander asked, pretending to be confused while he was panicking inside. He was caught.   
  
"What's really going on here?" Spike asked with both hands on his waist.   
  
Xander wasn't able to keep up his confused act. He was really caught. He shifted in his seat, his eyes glancing at the floor several times apprehensively. "Well, I was…"  
  
"Don't lie," the solid voice got Xander closing his mouth quickly. He looked down for a few seconds before turning his eyes back to Spike, biting his lip.  
  
"Do you think I'm stupid? I know you're planning something and I want to know what?"   
  
Xander was still biting his lip. What to do? He couldn't possibly confess the truth. He must say something soon though. Not knowing what to do. He stood up dramatically, chanting, "I can't, I can't."  
  
A bang of concern washed over Spike's face, his hard look melted gradually. He stared at Xander, who walked away from him in apparent worry. "What is it?"  
  
Xander hugged himself, keeping some distance between him and Spike, hoping Spike would not pick any sign of his growing anxiety. What was he going to do? What was he going to say? Nothing was going to save him. He could try that though… but that was out, right? He remembered Willow and Jesse's warnings about using that plan and they were right. That was a crazy plan. It was as crazy as  _Start Trek_  trying to make another season.   
  
But…  
  
No! It was risky, difficult and again crazy. He was not crazy man. No sir. He was dim, foolish, and clumsy but not crazy.  
  
Well, he was drowning here. And there was no other way out.   
  
"Spike," he spoke, took a deep breath and then… "I like you."  
  
He said it. He said it. He had proven to be as crazy as Lindsay Lohan going for drugs again. As crazy as Britney Spears trying to make another come back. As crazy as Fox for canceling  _True Calling_  when the show was starting to take stride.   
  
Spike's snort woke him up from his rushing thoughts. "Yeah, right, you never liked me the minute I walked in the house..."  
  
Xander couldn't blame him for misunderstanding him. Should he let Giles-Junior think that and get this over with? Although if he pretended he liked Spike the way Spike thought, it would not explain all what was happening. It would be completely unconvincing.  
  
"No Spike, I  _like_  you."   
  
There was silence, and Xander was tempted to look at Spike over his shoulder, but was too scared he'd lose it and laugh.   
"Oh, that 'I like you'."  
  
"Yes," Xander whispered. Was he hearing the Oscar? He should definitely get one. His performance was so persuasive Tom Cruise couldn't stand a chance against him.   
  
"That's impossible."  
  
Then again…  
  
Xander blinked before he turned around, wide eyed. "What?"  
  
"Rupert told me you had a girlfriend." Of course. Dawn. How could Xander forget? Uh… what was that line they always used in those slash fan fiction Willow always talked about? The ones he  _never_  listened to of course.   
  
"Yes, I had. But there was no heat… it didn't… she wasn't doing anything to me." Xander tried hard not to laugh. What happened to Oscar acting?  
  
"Really?" Spike asked, sounding doubtful.   
  
"Yes, Spike, but this…" Xander took a theatrical pause. If he was to be a great actor, he should say the next part without laughing. "When you were in my room that day, the way your cheek touched my hair, how you started…"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. Just don't mention the sniff. I'm trying to block that out." Spike looked elsewhere in angry embarrassment.   
  
Xander was pissed that his dramatic speech was interrupted. He should join the drama club. Oh, keep with reality. Right, what did Spike say? Right. Yeah, he didn't blame Spike for feeling humiliated. If he had done this to Buffy, he would not be able to look her in the eye again. Stop thinking and focus on the situation in hand.   
  
"But it was good. It felt good." How many chicks in those sappy chick flicks had said that already?  
  
Spike looked back at him, uncertain. "Really?"  
  
"Yeah, since that day, you were all I could think of." Xander put a great effort to not shake his head in awe.   
  
"I was?"  
  
"Yeah," he whispered in over-done false affection.   
  
"Why am I finding this so hard to believe?"  
  
Xander wanted to punch Spike in the nose. Couldn't he just let it go? This was an insult to Xander's skilled acting. Okay, recovered. Now the next move: Apologizing, looking guilty chick. "I'm sorry for the way I've been acting lately. It just… I didn't know how to handle it." He added confused chick for good measure.   
  
Spike stared at him quietly, but Xander couldn't see any sign of suspicion. "You could have talked to me."  
  
Right. He could have talked to him. No, no, Insecure, Angry Chick. "Oh please, and let you get your laughs when it turns out that you feel nothing for me?" He was about to add some wavering choke but that was overdoing it.   
  
"But I do," Spike blurted out, before he realized what he had said. He looked down hesitantly. "Uh…"  
  
"You really do?" Xander asked not sure the hopeful tone in his voice was faked. He approached Spike, who had his eyes on the floor. He stood before him urging him to look at him. Spike's unsure eyes met his. Xander smiled reassuringly but his smile started to fade when he realized that Spike was leaning toward him. Leaning to… KISS HIM!   
  
With an inward yelp, Xander frantically stepped backwards before turning away from Spike to hide his fear filled eyes. "Spike… no… I… I'm not comfortable with this yet."   
  
"Yeah… yeah, of course," Spike's tone didn't have hurt or disappointment, it was more like understanding.   
  
"I don't mean to … it's just… the whole thing is just… weird." He went with babbling unsure chick. Or was this babbling unsure boy coming out of the closet? "I'm not used to these feelings yet," he finished softly.   
  
"I understand." He felt Spike's hands on his shoulders turning him to face him. Spike's eyes were a mirror of consideration. "It felt weird to me, too, when I was attracted to…" he trailed off. A sad expression clouded his face temporarily before a gentle mask took over. "I understand."  
  
They stared at each other for what it felt to Xander like a decade. What should he do or say to break this maddening tension? Should he babble about how weird this was for him? But he had already said that, maybe he'd express it more? But how could he do that when he didn't experience it? They should have written more about it in Willow's slash fiction. Not that he would listen, anyway.   
  
Spike decided to break the tension and Xander's mental babble. "Hey, let's just sit and talk about this." He moved to the couch bringing Xander with him. Settling on the couch, Spike looked at him, a little uncomfortable. "So… you…"  
  
"Yeah, swing that way, too. It's strange. I came out of the closet." Xander nodded, feeling somewhat weird.   
  
"Did you tell Rupert yet?"  
  
"No, wasn't really comfortable with it."  
  
"And you felt comfortable telling me?" Spike asked with a raised eyebrow.   
  
"Well, telling you was never an option. You pushed it all out of me."   
  
"Why didn't you talk to your friends about it?"  
  
"I don't think Jesse would have taken it so well. I was going to talk about it with Willow, but…"   
  
Willow was the logical choice to talk to in such situations, but if he were stuck in one why wouldn't he tell her? Think. Think. Oh, she had a crush on him? Nah, that wouldn't work. What should he say?   
  
" … I don't know why I didn't tell her," he finished lamely.   
  
Spike nodded. "I understand completely. Been there myself."  
  
Xander breathed a relieved sigh. He jumped klutzily when he realized what he did. Then he looked at Spike, dreadful, and found him staring at him in astonishment. He gave a laugh. "Uh, what a relief! It's like a heavy burden is left off my shoulders."   
  
Spike smiled. "It is, isn't it?"  
  
Looking at Spike, Xander felt like the biggest ass on the planet.   
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
Xander had gotten different reactions from his friends when he had told them about the progressions. Jesse thought it was hilarious how Spike fell for the lie, but Xander could see the apprehension in his features, especially with the nervously repeated, "You're not gonna do it again, right?"  
  
Willow was mostly pissed. She felt she didn't know Xander anymore. With that stated, she had stormed out angrily. Jesse gave a half hearted laugh, patting Xander's back saying that Willow was exaggerating, and then repeated, "You're not gonna do it again, right?"  
  
As time passed by, both his friends started acting weird around him, especially with Xander going on 'dates' with Spike. Willow openly showed her objection and irritation of the whole thing. Jesse would just shift awkwardly and stay silent. Xander knew Jesse's apprehension had nothing to do with the morality aspect that was troubling Willow. It was mainly about playing gay with Spike.   
  
Xander didn't know what bothered him the most. Willow accusing his principles or Jesse being a homophobic?  
  
On the other hand, Giles was extremely glad that he and Spike were starting to get along. He was supporting every activity the boys were doing for the night, from watching a basketball match, to going bowling, to playing pool. Of course,  _the boys_ didn't inform Giles that these said activities were dates.   
  
Xander had never thought he'd enjoy his time with Spike. They had been on many dates, but they never felt like dates. Was Spike falling on his face while throwing the heavy bowling ball considered a date? Was Xander breaking the pool cue on the table a date? Was Spike teasing Xander about not being able to drink something a guy would say to his date? Xander didn't think so. It was never like this with Dawn.  
  
With Dawn, it was simply Xander buying her something pretty now and then, going to a fancy restaurant, holding hands in school… which at times were pretty much boring.   
  
Xander wanted to be committed to her. He wanted the boring moments along with the exciting and passionate moments. With Dawn the passionate moments weren't as many as Xander desired, but he had never pushed. Having a girl pal did help him understand how different guys and girls were.   
  
Sadly, being devoted didn't do him good. Dawn was gone, and now he was crushing after a girl who was completely out of his league.   
  
But here he was. On a date. With a guy. With  _Spike_.   
  
Xander twisted in his place on the couch. This night, he and Spike decided to sit for a _Star Wars_  movie. And that was what they were doing… with Spike's arm around his shoulders. Not to mention the way Spike's fingers were moving up and down his upper arm aimlessly.   
  
Was this image a clear sign of him going way too far with this? Was him being okay with Spike's arm around his shoulders a sign of insanity? Well, at this moment the only thing he cared about was watching the movie.  
  
Spike's hand started rubbing at his upper arm. "Hmmm," hot breath touched Xander's left ear. "Think this movie is overrated."  
  
"Are you kiddin'? Episode Four is like a massive hit!" He wasn't bothered by how his body was slipping into Spike's embrace while he defended one of his favorite movies.  
  
Spike snorted. "Maybe for the likes of you, but…"  
  
Xander sat straight, turning his head back to Spike, offended. "The likes of me?"  
  
Spike chuckled quietly, but was noticeably upset about the loss of heat. "Well, yeah, no one likes these kinds of films except for geeks…"  
  
"Oh really?  _Star Wars_  was nominated for ten Academy Awards, and won in six categories: Best Art Direction/Set Decoration, Best Sound, Best Original Score, Best Film Editing, Best Costume Design, and Best Visual Effects!" Spike's reaction was an unimpressed raised eyebrow that irritated Xander more. "I'm pretty sure that cool guys do enjoy reading and writing poetry," he huffed.   
  
"'t least poetry is an art. Now  _Star Wars_  is just showing off new technical aspects in a children story."  
  
Xander gasped, shocked. "It's not a children story!"  
  
Spike rolled his eyes.  
  
"It's not! The fight scene at the end of Episode 3 "Revenge of the Sith" between Anakin and Obi Wan was far too violent, and the way Anakin was left to suffer was too horrible for kids…"   
  
Xander kept defending his favorite movie in a feast of babbling, though he didn't know what he was talking about. That was because Spike was smiling.  
  
It was the same smile Xander was noticing lately on their 'dates'. Small and soft. Warm... nice… it made Xander feel nice.  
  
His eyes went up to stare at Spike's blue ones. Their color reminded him of Dawn's eyes, but for some reason Spike's were more striking. They were coming closer and closer, the eyelids were slipping shut blocking the hypnotizing blue eyes. He could feel Spike's breath hitting his cheeks and eyes, which made him helplessly close them.  
  
Now it was all black, he could see nothing, hear nothing, but could feel a set of lips touching and nibbling his own. He had also noticed that he had stopped talking. And could feel himself leaning backward lying on his back, a body moving on top of him.  
  
It felt strange.  
  
He was never in this position before. Lying down with a body above his, a flat chest resting against his own, a pair of legs moving around his silent ones, a pair of hands running around his sides. Xander's hands were numb on the shoulders above him, not moving or making an effort to stop this body above from rubbing against his, not making an effort to grab at the face that had breathed upon him, where that mouth was devouring his enthusiastically. His hands had let him receive it all and there were no complaining on his part.  
  
There were two parts in his body reacting. His own mouth that opened and closed with a rhythm trying to suck on this attacking tongue. His hand reluctantly moved upwards passing the long neck until it reached the gelled strands of Spi…  
  
Xander's eyes flew open.  
  
His mouth stopped dead and his hands suddenly regained full life. They began pushing Spike's chest trying to get him off of him. His body squirmed furiously and he started whimpering in Spike's mouth asking him to stop.  
  
Finally, Spike stopped moving against him. He opened his eyes, looking down at him in confusion.  
  
'Looking down at him' was the magical combination to push Xander's manly ego on fire. He pushed Spike off him roughly and let him fall from the couch.  
  
Out of breath, Xander sat straight. One hand touched his mouth in shock while the other was on the other part of his body that was still reacting.  
  
What the hell?  
  
He looked around, startled. The room was spinning even though the table, chair and the trash can in front of his wide eyes were clear and unmoving.  
  
So far not able to breathe right, Xander stood, his hand still on his mouth. He dashed to the door without sparing a glance at Spike.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~


	13. Chapter 13

"Yes, Sheila. We will be there." Giles said his goodbyes to Mrs. Rosenberg through the phone before he hung up. He picked the newspaper from the table next to him, feeling utterly relieved that he wasn't cooking tonight. Perhaps he would convince Ira to take the children fishing. He hardly had time to see Xander lately what with the boy spending most of his time with William.

Perhaps a fishing trip with just the boys? Family trip. That sounded better. He'd get to spend time with his boys alone. 

Suddenly, the front door burst open, startling him. He heard footsteps running to the stairs. He had no doubts it was Xander. But usually the boy would stop by the living room to say hello before going to his bedroom, even if he was in such a hurry.

Worry took over him, and he placed the newspaper on the couch, getting up. He headed to Xander's room hesitantly. Knocking gently, he called, "Xander, is everything all right?"

It took Xander a while before he answered, "Yeah, Dad, I just wanna take a shower!"

"Did something happen?" he asked, concerned. 

"N-no, no, it's fine. I fell in the mud playing basketball with the guys. I just wanna clean up."

Giles knew it was a lie. How many times had Xander came home covered in mud but grinning widely nonetheless. Something serious had happened. He tried turning the doorknob but it was locked. That worried him more. 

He was about to demand to be let inside, but thought against it. Xander was seventeen. He was old enough to take care of himself. Besides, he would see him when they went to the Rosenberg's' tonight.

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Xander heard Giles locking the front door as he walked outside the house. They were supposed to have dinner with the Rosenbergs, but he wasn't in the mood to see anyone at the moment. Seeing as Giles would not be convinced if he said that nothing was wrong with him, he chose to lie. 

There are some… sort of… uh, problems with the guys in the basketball team, and I didn't want to tell you because you'd make a fuss and please don't butt in, 'cause that'll make me the butt of every single joke for a month. I can take care of it. Just don't be all parental about it.

He wasn't sure Giles bought it, but it wouldn't be a surprise if he did. How else did Spike mess up so much in high school anyway?

His eyes grew wide with shock. That was a first. The first time he thought disrespectfully of Giles. Not to mention concerning Spike's screw ups.

Apparently all the shocking first experiences had to be linked with Mr. Bleached Head. 

He groaned throwing his head in his hands, fingers pressing into his skull. Shit. Shit. Shit.

This couldn't be.

He couldn't be.

So freaking messed up.

He hastily pulled his face out of his suffocating hands. Glassy eyes were glancing around at the dark room, too dark he couldn't see anything. He couldn't see, couldn't comprehend. He should deal with this, do something about it.

So freaking messed up.

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Xander stood next to Buffy's locker. He didn't stop for a second to reconsider his plan. He just needed to know. It was killing him to no end, and he was not angst material. He had his share of that after Dawn's departure. 

He could see Willow and Jesse from the corner of his eye; they didn't notice him yet. They were standing there at the corner, chatting about some assignment Jesse forgot to do.

A movement next to him tore him away from his friends. From the perfume, he knew she was standing next to him. He turned his head and was greeted by her beautiful golden hair covering her face as she gazed down at her bag looking for the key. The sight of her alone made him hot. His heartbeat started to pound. He swallowed a lump and whispered, "Buffy?"

She turned around and smiled at him. "Hi, Xander."

Xander could hear Willow calling his name, they were walking toward him, but he only stared at Buffy. Her smile gradually vanished into a confused look. "Is something wrong?" she asked.

He closed his eyes briefly, feeling everybody's eyes on him. He had to do this. He just had to.

Opening his eyes, he looked at her briefly, before he grabbed her into a kiss. Gasps were heard, hers and the people around him. There was a lot of noise going on, but he focused only on one thing. Buffy started struggling in his arms. He couldn't let her go yet, not until he figured it out.

A rough hand grabbed his shoulder, trying to yank him away from her. He couldn't stop though. He needed to know.

And he did.

He let go of her and felt himself being pulled backward aggressively. He fell on the floor hard, feeling his elbows bruise.

"You jerk, how could you?"

He looked up and met her hazel eyes that were filled with disgust and disbelief. "This is the last time I'll even consider speaking to losers like you. Cordelia was right. I should've listened to her." With that said, she turned her heels and left furiously. A big blond guy was in his vision. He looked down at Xander crossly before following Buffy. Xander guessed he was the owner of the rough hand. 

The girls around him were shaking their heads in repulsion while the guys were giving him thumbs up. He was about to stand when he felt Willow's small hands helping him up. 

Jesse gaped at the spot where he kissed Buffy. "Wow, man, way ta go. Think I should try this with Cordelia?"

Willow threw Jesse a look, and then turned to Xander who was rigidly standing next to her. "Why the hell did you do that?" she snapped. "What is wrong with you lately?"

"Nothing," he muttered and walked away.

"Xander," Willow called after him.

No answer.

She stared at him as he vanished between the crowds. Feeling Jesse's hand on her shoulder, she looked up. "Maybe he's upset 'cause Buffy's angry with him."

Willow looked at him wordlessly and then turned her eyes to the crowd.

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

"Hi, Mr. Giles!" Willow cheerfully said when Xander's father opened the door.

"Oh, hello, Willow, did your mother send you?" Usually, her visits to the Giles residence had to be for something her mother needed. Small stuff neighbors always lent each other.

She shook her head. "No, I'm here to talk to Xander."

She noticed the sad flicker in Mr. Giles' eyes when she mentioned Xander's name. "Do you know what the matter with him is?"

He probably noticed Xander's change in behavior, but it seemed that he didn't know what was wrong with him. Willow remembered when she and Jesse promised Xander not to tell anyone about his games with Spike, especially his father. 

"I'm not sure," she answered. "But I'm going to talk to him about it." She smiled reassuringly.

Mr. Giles nodded. "It's probably better if you talked to him. Since you're his friend, he may open up to you. But if it was serious I must know immediately." She understood the tone and promised him that she would do what was necessary for her friend's own good.

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Xander heard the door to his room open bit by bit. He had heard Willow's voice downstairs and knew she would come upstairs shortly. She was here to talk to him. But did he want to talk?

"Hey," she said softly.

"I didn't say you can come in." He didn't care if his quiet words were rude.

"As if I need you to," she scoffed. "I saw you naked once, remember?"

Xander didn't answer, just kept staring ahead silently. He heard her disappointed sigh and then felt her sitting next to him on the bed. Her hand was lightly touching his leg. 

"What happened at Spike's yesterday?" 

That question actually surprised him. He thought she came here to talk about what happened at school with Buffy. He looked at her, astonished. "How did you…?"

"Give me some credit, will ya? Yesterday, you didn't come over with your dad, which was totally weird because you don't miss a chance to have someone to talk to about how much Spike was falling for your plan. And then comes today, you skipped every class you shared with either me or Jesse and then you did what you did with Buffy, after that you completely ignored us." Willow took a deep breath after she finished babbling. "How am I doing so far?"

"Pretty well, Mr. Holmes," he said, impressed.

"Then tell me what happened?" she asked seriously.

He looked at her for a moment before taking a deep breath. "Spike kissed me," he confessed quietly, his eyes not leaving hers. 

His heart was jumping, waiting for her response. But she surprised him again by staying calm, looking more mature than her age. With a nod, she said, "I expected things will get out of hand. Is that why you kissed Buffy? 'Cause Spike's kiss freaked you out?"

The fact that she didn't overreact about that part made him calm down a little, made him glad he told her about it. Willow was cool, she always was. But could he tell her the whole truth? The real reason behind what he did at school? That was actually the hard part. The reason why Willow didn't freak out about Spike kissing him was that she expected it. Heck, even Jesse warned him about that. But the other part… the freaky part… they'd never expect that. He didn't expect it himself. 

Swallowing a lump, "Yes," he lied.

She stroked his leg gently. "Xander, there's nothing to worry about. Spike kissing you doesn't mean anything. We already know he has a thing for you."

"I know," he whispered.

"What did you do when he kissed you?"

"I ran out."

"Did he call after you?"

"No." He didn't really remember.

"You probably hurt his feelings." When he didn't answer, she continued, "I don't wanna be one of those people who say 'I told you so' but…" She breathed a sigh, gathering her thoughts. "Xander, you've been playing with Spike's feelings for awhile now and look how it ended. It didn't just affect him, it affected you, too."

Panicked, he looked at Willow. "Wha- what do you mean affected me?"

"I mean it scared you. You should end this with Spike. I also think you should confess the whole truth to him."

Xander chuckled nervously. "I can't do that." 

Willow narrowed her eyes, displeased. "Yes, you can and you should. You have done enough and now you misled him. Confessing the truth will help you solve this misunderstanding."

He looked down at his hands. Telling Spike the truth? That was crazy. He couldn't do that. There had to be another way to solve this. But he was tired of lying, look what this whole game had done to him. But confessing the truth?

"If you don't mind, I wanna be alone right now," he said. "I need to think."

Willow nodded. "That would be good." She stood up and made her way toward the door. However, she stopped before opening it. She turned around tentative. "One problem though." 

"What?"

"What should I tell your dad?"

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

The next day. 

Sound of cautious knocking.

Followed by the door opening.

Two sets of eyes staring at each other.

"Can I come in?" Xander asked anxiously. 

No answer, but Spike moved away to let him in. He walked into the apartment like a ghost and sat on the couch. He waited for Spike to come and sit with him. Though, hearing sounds of glasses coming from the kitchen, he realized Spike was going to bring them something to drink. It felt like everything was on mute. The quietness was killing him. Spike didn't even ask what he wanted to drink. There was no sound but the glasses and the fridge opening and closing. 

Few seconds of silence, and Spike came back and placed a bottle of soda before him. Glancing at Spike, Xander saw a can of orange juice held under his armpit and an empty glass in his hand.

Spike made himself comfortable on the other couch, poured some juice in his glass and then started drinking. The loud sound of his throat swallowing didn't even come close to Xander's raging heartbeats. He lowered his eyes to the table, looking at his soda, but didn't feel like drinking. Too tense to do anything at the moment. 

He noticed Spike's hand, placing the empty glass on the table. Then saw the other one grabbing the can and pouring more juice into the glass. He watched the fluid slipping down quickly, before a quiet voice started, "All right," a pause, "Why are you here?"

The tone of the voice was so low and tight. He bit his lower lip, shifting a little in his seat. He wanted to look at Spike, see how he was looking him, but he didn't have the courage to even glance at him. 

"I haven't got all day," Spike said, impatient.

"Uh… I came here to talk."

"Oh, thought you came here to dance." Low sarcastic words made Xander withdraw. An angry yell came right afterward, "'Course you came here to talk, you git. About what?"

"That day… when, uh… we…" he stuttered a bit then stopped. How was he going to say it? 

"Snogged? Yeah, I remember. You ran away with your tail between your legs."

Xander had the urge to kick him so bad for the attitude. The whole thing didn't deserve that. Sure, he had made a fool out of Spike. Yeah, he might have lied to him about having a crush on him and he did push him away like a bug when he kissed him, and then without any explanation he ran out like a scared school girl. But it wasn't like Spike never did anything to him in the past.

Would you ever get over it, man?

The voice of his conscience scolded him. And for the first time, thinking about what Spike had done to him didn't affect him negatively. It actually made him feel silly for trying to get back at Spike. Xander was supposed to be the good one. He was supposed to be the better kid. Wasn't he?

"So talk," Spike spat exasperatedly. 

"I freaked out, Spike. I didn't…" he trailed off, closing his eyes and gave a shuddered sigh. "I felt… I…" he couldn't finish. His cheeks were burning while he looked down in full embarrassment.

"You got hard," Spike completed bored.

Xander nodded, unable to look up.

Spike regarded him quietly. Xander watched as Spike was moving the glass in his hand, the rest of the juice splattering. Spike looked as if he was considering what he was going to say next.

Xander hated the silence. The stillness, where nothing was moving except for the liquid in Spike's glass. The sound made him frustrated. He wanted it to stop but if it stopped there would only be silence. And Xander hated the silence. 

He was about to say something to break the tension, when Spike raised his head, looking straight at him about to speak. 

"I hope you had your fun."

Xander stared at him baffled. He could not process the meaning of that statement. "Huh?"

"Not trying to criticize, but you're not that great of an actor as you like to think." Spike smirked. 

Xander froze. This couldn't be true. 

"I knew what you were up to, kid. I'm not that dense."

"S-since when?" he blurted out. 

"Since the day you took your shirt off. I did some thinking and came to the conclusion that you're having fun with me."

"Then why didn't you say something?" he exclaimed, his voice high pitched but it didn't matter. He was already humiliated, and sounding like a girl was not a big issue anymore.

"Well, since you got carried away with the role, I said why not play along." 

Xander's cheeks reddened and he looked down, ashamed. 

"Suppose it was a little revenge thing," Spike's tone was gentle this time. Xander looked up, and Spike was smiling at him. Probably to make him feel better. But it actually disturbed him more. He couldn't deal with Spike being gentle. Insults, teasing, mocking were easier to handle, but this smile. This smile was what made him forget reality and let Spike kiss him. 

The smile slowly disappeared when he didn't respond. Xander gave a deep breath trying to remember what Spike had said. 

"Yeah," he finally answered. The stupid little grudge he had over the years made him act like an idiot. Note to self: Always listen to Willow's advices. 

"Okay," Spike said and placed his half full glass on the table. He sat, resting his elbows on his knees and looking ahead at Xander. "Think I deserved it after the hell I've put you through in the kiddie days. No hard feelings from my side. Not sure about you…"

"No, I'm fine," he said quickly. Yeah, it's over. Peace is good. We love peace, well, except for President Bush. And Mr. Silence apparently. It's back again, and we agreed that we don't like it.

"Then you knew… all that time?" And what was worse than Mr. Silence? Repeating the same topic that only brought mortification to Mr. Harris. 

"Yes, I had my fun with that." Evil Spike snickered. "In fact, I was pretending all along to set up my perfect plan. That kiss was to freak you out. Though I was surprised you didn't push me away the second I had my lips on yours."

Xander squirmed. "Yeah, well, that was… um, stop looking at me like that!" he snapped at Spike, who was smirking.

"Was out of it, weren't you?" Spike said slyly.

Xander wasn't sure if the blood rushing to his cheeks, ears and neck would stick there all day. His glare hardened as he looked away irritably. "Yeah, well, you were out of it too."

"I was," Spike confessed easily. "It was good, wasn't it?"

"Why do you keep asking me that? You know the answer."

"Why does it bother you so much?"

"Because I got hot with Dawn before! I lied to you," he said turning to look at Spike and found him giving a look, "and I see you know that already. But I've done it with Dawn more than I can count." And by that, he meant once. "And it reacted. But then it reacted to you too." He did not mention the Buffy episode today because… well, he only kissed her to check, and he did check, but Spike didn't need to know.

He sighed. "So what does that make me?"

Spike shrugged. "Doesn't make you anything."

"It does. You either like girls or guys."

"You can like them both."

"No," Xander whispered. It was too complicated that way. He didn't want to be attracted to every walking human. One of the two sexes should not attract him in order for him to befriend this particular sex and talk to about nailing the other sex. It had to be too platonic, where there would be no attraction whatsoever. But if he lusted after the two sexes, who was left? Guess he would be stuck with Mr. Silence.

"Yes, you can." Spike moved closer to him and placed a hand on his thigh, rubbing smoothly. He looked like he was considering what he was going to say. "You know the professor I had a relationship with."

Xander was about to snort. He turned to Spike with a raised eyebrow and corrected, "The one you were boning."

Spike's hand froze on Xander's thigh before he took it away slowly. His mouth was set into a straight line. "Whatever. He was bisexual, too."

Xander looked offended. "Don't compare me to that ass who uses his students for his own pleasure."

"Shut your gob, git!"

Xander flinched. 

"He did not use me. I came on to him." Spike closed his eyes briefly, and Xander bit his lip. He opened them looking at Xander. "It's the same as you and me. You're a minor, I'm an adult, and you keep coming on to me."

"It was just a game," Xander exclaimed, trying to defend himself.

Spike chuckled, bemused. "And that's better?"

Xander looked at him stubbornly, but quickly gave up. No, what he did was worse, and if Spike didn't guess that he was playing him, Xander might have ended up hurting him. Wasn't he hurting?

He stared at Spike silently. Spike had feelings for him. That was obvious. It was probably for the best that Spike found out soon about the whole thing. It might have hurt him more if he just realized it now. Xander still wasn't sure about how he felt regarding Spike. He knew he was enjoying his company, but was he attracted to him? Was that worth finding out?

Finding out? He wasn't serious, was he? He did not want to find anything with Spike. It was all for fun. Which he had. A lot. And not just when he was pretending to be attracted to the other man, but when they hung out together in the clubs and bars. 

It made him realize that he wanted to get to know Spike more. Because so far he liked most of what he saw.

"You're awfully quiet," Spike interrupted his thoughts.

He shook his head. "What are we gonna do now?"

"What do you want to do?"

"I'm not sure. All I know is I don't want Dad to know about this."

"Are you daft?" Spike exclaimed. "You actually thought about telling him?"

Xander felt himself smiling. "Well, he thinks we're buds."

"And we should make sure he keeps thinking that way."

"I… I actually want us to be that way." He looked at Spike, uncertain. "The way Dad thinks of us."

Spike stared at him silently. The disappointment flashed in his features for a second before a smile took place, hiding the real emotions behind it, even when it was bitter. "If that's what you want."

"I do. I want the whole childish hostility between us to end, and we start a new beginning. How about that?" He extended a hand. He was sure his decision had hurt Spike somehow, but he couldn't help but take the easy way out of this complicated situation. 

"Sounds good." Spike took his hand and shook it. "And no more tricks," he warned.

"You too," Xander retorted. At Spike's laugh, he grinned. "So wanna go to a bar? Maybe this time I'll drink from your beer without you noticing."

 

~*~*~*~


	14. Chapter 14

 

 

 

  
  
"Hi, Rupes," Spike greeted, closing the front door behind him.   
  
Rupert was just about to go into the living room with the newspaper in his hand. When hearing Spike's greeting, he turned around and smiled. "Hello, William, why are you late?"   
  
"Got held back at the press. Finally escaped."   
  
"Do you want to join me for a cup of tea?"   
  
"Just had coffee." He patted his stomach lightly, and then looked around. "Where's Xander?"  
  
"In the garden doing his chores," Giles answered, moving to the living room.   
  
Spike walked to the back door. California's strong sunrays blinded his eyes for a second before they automatically adjusted. He found Xander watering the roses. For a moment he was having a déjà vu. Well, he could never get tired of the view.  
  
He leaned against the doorframe, staring in admiration.  
  
Xander, giving him his back, was wearing a white undershirt that was covered with sweat especially in the middle of his back. A blue towel hung around his neck in case he needed to wipe the sweat from his forehead. Spike lowered his eyes looking at the sweatpants that were plastered to Xander's legs.  
  
Spike felt himself being turned on, but knew he could do nothing about it. He had promised Xander to continue as friends, even though Xander appeared attracted to him, which didn't necessarily mean he felt something for Spike, just physical attraction.   
  
It was hard keeping himself in control for the last four days. For some reason Xander was a walking sex machine. For his part, Xander made sure he was wearing more than one shirt and baggy pants which were completely out of style. But such a gesture only made it worse. All Spike's instincts were screaming at him to throw Xander on a bed and tear off those nasty clothes.  
  
He kept on staring, and Xander still wasn't aware of him. Spike looked around, trying to distract himself with something so his erection would withdraw. His eyes caught the tap of the hose Xander was using.  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander wiped the sweat off his forehead again with the towel. His brows furrowed when the water suddenly stopped rushing out. Puzzled, he looked at the nozzle before shaking the hose. When no water came out, he threw the hose to the ground and walked to the tap, kneeling to check if there was anything wrong.   
  
It was turned off.  
  
Confused, Xander turned it on and got back on his feet to finish his work. Suddenly, a rush of cold water hit his back. He jumped startled before turning around.   
  
Spike stood a few steps away aiming the nozzle at him. "Noticed the hot weather and thought you needed some refreshing."   
  
Xander squirmed, using his arms to cover his face from the attacking water. "How considerate of you," he yelled, trying to get to the tap and turn the water off.   
  
Spike moved quickly, focusing on Xander's face to block his vision.  
  
"Spike, quit it!"   
  
Spike changed the direction of the water and made it hit Xander's ribs. Xander fell on the ground, laughing. "Oh, no, no," he laughed helplessly, hearing Spike snickering above him. He tried to reach the tap again through his laughter.  
  
"Oh, no, you don't," Spike exclaimed and hurried toward Xander to stop him from turning off the water. As he ran the water wasn't focused on Xander anymore. That was when Xander took advantage of the situation and quickly grabbed the hose, trying to take it from Spike. The length of the hose was between Spike's legs. When Xander pulled, Spike stumbled on it and fell clumsily on Xander.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
Xander was sodding wet. Spike felt his clothes beginning to get drenched in return. He looked down at Xander, who stared up at him. Spike stared back in silence, and then absently turned the tap off, feeling his erection hardening again.  
  
He fought the urge to lean down and kiss Xander's wet lips. Even when he felt Xander's own erection on his thigh, even when Xander was looking up at him with frustration. He sighed, trying to get up. "I'm sorry, that's not what you want."  
  
"To hell with what I want," Xander snapped, grabbing Spike's neck and pulling him down into a bruising kiss. Surprised, Spike kissed back, opening his mouth willingly and allowing Xander's aggressive tongue to slip in.   
  
Spike rubbed his body against Xander's, confused but pushed all feelings aside to enjoy this sensation. Xander was quite forceful, a little too forceful, as if he was holding this in for so long. Spike gasped when he felt Xander's teeth biting on his lower lip. He felt the small cuts when Xander broke the kiss to breathe.  
  
They stared at each other gasping for air, before Spike panted, "You bit my tongue… hard."  
  
"Sorry, was in the moment," Xander replied, even though he appeared a little busy with something else.  
  
Spike shook his head, looking away. "No, no, it was…" he was stopped by rushing water hitting his face.   
  
He yelled getting away from a laughing Xander. Bloody Xander took advantage of Spike looking away and turned the tap on with one hand while aiming the nozzle at Spike's face with the other hand. For all Spike knew, the kiss was probably also to distract him so Xander could have his revenge.  
  
Someone cleared their throat.   
  
The water quickly stopped, and Spike met the disapproving eyes of his father. He swallowed a lump, wondering if Rupert had seen them kissing. He couldn't place the cause for the angry gaze, but hoped it was just for the mess they made. Xander turned off the water before standing nervously next to him.   
  
Rupert looked around at the clammy garden. The water was covering the walls, the driveway, and too much on the grass. "All that wasted water," he commented, shaking his head before his eyes landed on his soaked boys. The water was steadily dripping from their clothes. He looked at an anxious Xander. "Should I ground you for this?"  
  
Xander looked defensive and pointed at Spike. "He started it."  
  
Spike glared. "Did not."  
  
Xander's eyes widened, shocked. "Spike, don't lie. I was standing there doing my chores like the very good kid I am," a glance at Giles, "obeying my father, and totally don't deserve to get grounded," At Giles' raised eyebrow and second glance at the damaged garden, he tried the puppy dog eyes, "I'm innocent!"   
  
"You weren't that innocent a minute ago," Spike mumbled under his breath. Xander kicked his leg to shut him up.  
  
"All right, enough. You two clean up the garden or there will be no fishing trip next weekend," Giles ordered, before leaving them.   
  
Spike gave a sigh of relief, glad his father had not seen their kiss. He heard Xander's bored sigh and turned to watch him grabbing the hose on the floor and returning it to its place, before starting to clean up. "So what's all that about?" Spike asked.  
  
Xander stopped what he was doing and turned around. "What?"   
  
"You kissed me," Spike said, annoyed.  
  
"I noticed that."  
  
"So? What does it mean?" Spike approached him. "Was it only a distraction so you could get even?"  
  
Xander blinked. "I'm not that evil." He walked to his blue towel that fell on the ground while they were playing. Picking it up, he grimaced at how wet it was.   
  
"So what? 'Cause you made it clear you wanted us to be just friends." The bitter angry tone shocked Spike more than anything. He thought he had more control over his emotions, but there they were, too clear in every syllable.   
  
"Yeah, well, it's hard," Xander confessed. He threw the towel away, showing how angry he was as well.   
  
Spike hadn't expected that. He stood speechless watching Xander return to his work. Was he trying to avoid him now? Spike thought, aggravated. Well, not bloody likely. He walked to Xander and grabbed his shoulders spinning him around until Xander was looking at him. "So what are you saying?"  
  
Xander pushed Spike's hands away. "I'm not sure," he spat. He took a deep breath and carried on, "When you were leaning down I wanted you to… that, but then you stopped and I was really… well, as you can say 'bothered'." He sighed, a little too dramatically, to the point that Spike suspected he had actually joined the drama club for his 'acting skills'. "I think I'm not sure if I want to accept the gay part of me..."  
  
Spike scoffed, and mouthed, "The gay part of you?"  
  
Xander saw that but chose to ignore it. "But for the past few days, girls don't really attract me."  
  
"Because men do?" Spike asked.  
  
Xander shook his head quietly.  
  
"Because animals do?"  
  
Xander jerked his head up, stunned, and then wore a grossed out expression. Spike sighed. "Then who does?"  
  
"Uh…" Xander's cheeks and neck turned bright red and he lowered his head bashfully.  
  
Spike smiled smugly and approached the embarrassed boy. He wrapped his arms around Xander's waist and urged him to raise his head. Xander did but his uncomfortable stare was still on the ground. "God, I feel like such a girl," he complained.  
  
Spike chuckled. "Get used to it." And he kissed him again.   
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
Xander yawned heavily and then blinked the tears of boredom. His hands loosely held the fishhook, thinking that kissing Spike minutes ago behind the boat's cabin was zillion times more fun than sitting here waiting for a fish to get hooked. He never realized how fun it was to hide from his dad so he could French-kiss Spike. There was a feeling of adventure about it. Neither one of them was ready to inform Giles about the new developments in their relationship, yet. However, both had enjoyed sneaking away for a kiss or two and trying not to get caught.  
  
"Dad, we sat for like half an hour and we haven't caught a single fish."  
  
"Not even one of those dwarf goby fish," Spike said, bored.  
  
Xander gave him a look. "Dwarf goby fish?"  
  
Spike shrugged. "Heard they were really small."  
  
Giles sighed. "Boys, fishing needs patience."  
  
Xander yawned again and then felt fingers pinching his ass. He wheezed.  
  
Giles looked at him, excited. "What? Is it a fish?"  
  
Xander blushed. "No, I… uh, thought… I…" He cast a deadly glare at a snickering Spike.  
  
Giles appeared disappointed and stared back at the sea.  
  
Xander watched as Spike tried to pinch his ass again. He squirmed away but Spike's hand swiftly went to his thigh and pinched hard.  
  
"Dad, look at him!" Xander whined.  
  
"Will, leave your brother alone."  
  
Spike stopped pinching in an instant and drew his hand away wearing a disgusted look that matched Xander's. "Well, technically, he's not my brother," Spike responded to his father.  
  
Xander noticed Giles sulking. He remembered how much it had saddened him when Xander had venomously denied his request for adoption and only settled for the guardianship. Giles wanted him to be an official member of the Giles clan, but Xander had not and would not replace his real father with Rupert Giles, even though he started calling the latter by 'Dad'.   
  
"Doesn't he feel like one?" Giles asked after a moment of silence.   
  
Xander and Spike looked at each other with wicked smirks.  
  
Suddenly, Giles' fishhook caught something. "Oh, oh," he gasped excited and the three stood together looking down at the rigid thread. Xander unconsciously grabbed the fishhook with his father, trying to pull what appeared to be a big fish.  
  
"I can handle it," Giles said with clinched teeth. "Bring the net."  
  
Spike looked around, searching. "There's no net."  
  
Giles groaned, irritated. "It must be in the cabin. Hurry up, boys."  
  
Both of them ran to the cabin but instead of looking for the net, they busied themselves with other activities. Spike grabbed Xander's shoulders and pushed him at the wall. Before Xander got to recover, his lips were attacked by Spike's, who shoved his tongue inside Xander's waiting mouth.  
  
"Have you found it?" Xander heard Giles calling them.  
  
Spike stopped kissing and answered his father, "Not yet!"  
  
Xander chuckled and pulled Spike's head to kiss him. Spike responded hungrily.  
  
"Boys?" Giles sounded a little desperate.   
  
Spike drew back, laughing. "Now, we must stop. Old man needs his net."  
  
"Oh, c'mon, it's not like we're having sex," Xander complained, adjusting his collar.   
  
Spike exploded into laughter. "Like that's gonna happen any time soon," he commented and started searching for the net.  
  
Xander frowned, taken aback by the reply. He eyed Spike quietly.   
  
"Aha," Spike exclaimed and took the net out of an old chest.   
  
"What did you mean by it's not gonna happen?" Xander asked looking pointedly at Spike.  
  
Spike looked at him, bewildered. "What's not gonna happen?"  
  
"Sex."  
  
Spike grinned. "Oh, that. Well, we can't."  
  
Xander was about to protest, but Giles' horrifying growl slammed into his ears. "Boys!!"  
  
"Here, here!" Spike yelled back hurrying up, leaving behind a dejected Xander who lost every interest he had for this fishing trip.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~


	15. Chapter 15

Spike stretched after he finished writing his new article. Writing in his bedroom no doubt was inspiring. He should thank Maggie for suggesting that; she'd told him that whenever she wrote in her bedroom, she always got an A in class. Maggie was a high school student who weekly e-mailed him concerning his 'jaw-dropping' columns. He always liked to hear from her the most. His fan base was growing larger lately, which was very promising. 

He took the paper and walked out of the bedroom. In the small living room, he found Xander with the remote control in his hand, flipping through the channels aimlessly. Spike jumped next to him on the couch extending his paper. "Do you want to hear my next column before I start typing it on the computer?"

"Maybe later," Xander muttered in disinterest.

Spike stared at him and lowered his paper to his lap, feeling a little disappointed. He should just stop asking Xander to listen to his writing as he obviously was never going to be interested. Xander could at least try to act interested for Spike's sake. Usually Xander would pretend to listen and enjoy what Spike wrote. Judging by the rude brush off, Xander probably had reached his limits in tolerating Spike's enthusiasm for his articles.

Spike looked at his laptop near the TV, thinking that he'd lost the interest to type his bit. Maybe next time he'd just write it straight on the laptop. 

Xander poked his arm and aimed at the TV. "Mad Men reruns."

Spike looked at the TV and saw a dark-haired man in a suit with a brunette woman talking in a room with a drafting table on which there were several drawings of puppies.

"You've never watched it?" Xander asked. 

"No."

"This is supposed to be the late fifties or the earlier sixties. It's a good show."

"So it's got sexism, racism and homophobia," Spike guessed.

"And too much tobacco." 

Spike watched as the woman -lying on bed now- undid her blouse, inviting the man to take her. 

Xander sighed. "Sex. Is there anything more beautiful?"

Spike regarded him skeptically. "I'm not sleeping with you, Xander."

Xander looked at him sharply. "Why?"

"Because it's wrong." 

With a huff, Xander changed the channel. He kept changing until he spotted an adult channel. They watched a man sucking on a woman's nipple while rubbing against her. "Now that's hot," Xander breathed.

"If you say so," Spike replied, uninterested.

"What?" Xander exclaimed, shocked. "But … oh, it's because she's a woman, right?" Spike gave him a look. "Right, so it's only gay porno in your case."

"In your case, too."

"So far my case is just you, babe."

Spike wanted to retort, but his mouth broke into a smile at the thought of him being the only man that could make Xander get hot and bothered.

"It's sad how these channels don't usually air gay porno, if ever. Remind me to get you one next time, with adults doing minors," Xander said the last part pointedly. 

"Please, don't. Porn never was my cup of tea." Spike made sure to avoid the adult/minor discussion. 

Xander scoffed. "Yeah right."

"No, I'm serious." Spike recalled when he was younger; he and Parker would go stealing porn films and watch them with the rest of the band. He usually faked his excitement, and watched his chums reacting to the porn on the screen. Even Oz couldn't hide his interest. Spike used to think it was due to his homosexuality, but it seemed that his old morals hadn't really left him after he had toughened up.

"Thing I hate the most is whores exposing their bodies in public for money. They'd have no shame shagging anyone that comes into their soddin' doors," he stopped talking and shook his head in disgust. "I was going to omit all these channels anyway."

"You know you sound like Willow," Xander said glancing at Spike who didn't seem to care. "That's an insult by the way, as in you sound like a girl."

Spike nodded. "I got it."

"So you hate whores?" Xander asked, changing the channel. 

"Yes, I hate whores," he paused before he added, "And adults doing minors."

Xander threw the remote at the table and looked at Spike, irritated. "But no one has to know!"

"I'd know."

"Oh, so it's okay to screw your professor …"

"Xander!" Spike's tone held a piercing warning. 

"I'm sorry, but you're being a complete hypocrite."

"I'm being…" Spike repeated in shock. "I was different back then."

"Different how?"

"Young, irresponsible... I was..." Spike trailed off as he remembered that dim room with dark red wallpapers and few lit candles. He stood there full of desire, itching for the man who walked back to his chair and took an opened book before turning to him. He stood there aroused, lost in the mixture of different emotions inside him. Confusion, insecurity, lust, mortification, anger were all written on his face while the man stood confidently with a gentle smile.

"Earth to Spike! Spike!"

Spike snapped out of the memory lane and looked at Xander seriously. "I was an adult. And do you remember how pissed off Rupert was when he found out?"

Xander watched him in silence for a second. "This is it, right?"

"This is what?" he asked feeling slightly exhausted. 

"It's Dad, isn't it? You're afraid he'll be disappointed again. That's why you want this thing," he emphasized on 'the thing' pointing his figure between them indicating their relationship, "to be a secret."

Spike's eyes widened in shock. "What? We both agreed on that."

"Well, I'm ready to tell him now. How about that, huh?" Xander challenged. 

"What the bleeding hell got your pants in a twist?"

"I want sex, Spike."

"Since when? I thought you wanted things to go slow. That you're not used to the 'gay loving' yet!" 

"I'm a teenager who gives in to raging hormones. Of course, I'll get over the gay thing quickly for some action."

"And I'm not going to shag you until it's not considered statutory rape."

"How could it be rape when I want it so much?" Xander looked completely confused and frustrated. He looked like Spike in the dark room, standing aggravated, angry, bewildered. 

"Because to the courts it is, no matter what you say," he said calmly, willing Xander to understand. However, he doubted the boy would. Teenagers could be bloody bothersome sometimes. They always thought with their cocks instead of their brains. 

"And because it is in Giles' eyes, isn't it?" Xander retorted rudely. 

Spike cursed, throwing his hands in the air in irritation.

"It must eat you up that he prefers me over you." 

Cheap shot, orphan boy.

"Oh, don't fool yourself," Spike let out as he turned to look at Xander. "He pities you 'cause none of your soddin' family fought for the fucking guardianship." At the stricken look Xander gave, Spike shook his head in annoyance. "Bollocks."

He placed a hand on Xander's thigh, apology written all over his face. "Xander, look …"

Xander jerked his hand away and stormed out of the apartment. Spike threw his head back at the couch cursing softly. 

Abruptly, Xander came back in a hurry and grabbed his coat, before storming out again.

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Spike drove back to his flat from the press, feeling somewhat detached. Usually after handing in his article he would return with high spirits, imagining his work in the newspaper, but now he couldn't bring himself to. He had called Xander several times yesterday, but his calls weren't answered. Not even the messages he left on the answering machine. He shook his head at the idea of going to the house because he knew Rupert would suspect something, and even when Xander challenged him to tell Rupert about their relationship yesterday, he knew the boy was just bluffing.

His cell phone started ringing. He quickly stuffed his hand in his pocket, thinking it was Xander, even though he knew that was a thin chance.

He answered without checking the name, "Hello?"

"Hi Spike," Tara's voice drifted to his ear. 

"Tara?" The disappointment was very clear in his voice. He really wanted to talk to Xander. It suddenly hit him that it had been a while since he had seen or heard from Tara. That would probably be because he usually spent most of his time with Xander these days.

"Have you read the newspaper?" Tara's shaken voice asked him all of a sudden. 

"No."

"Can you swing by my place?"

"Now?" he asked surprised. It wasn't really late, it was actually four in the afternoon, but Spike was more interested in contacting Xander than a social visit. 

"Yes, it's important." There was something in her tone, and Spike knew it was something big. 

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

"Sodding hell," Spike whispered in shock. His eyes couldn't leave the picture in the newspaper. 

"I didn't want to tell you over the phone," said Tara next to him. "Better if you read it for yourself."

Spike was still for a long moment, waiting to have his senses back again. This had to be a nightmare. Devon? Murdered? The blood that stained his old friend's chest was proof enough that it was reality. 

He felt numb. He had never thought that he would have such a strong reaction to Devon. Granted they were never the best of chums, and he had really bad memories of the other man. But right now he couldn't figure out what those memories were. All he could see right now were flashes of good memories. When Devon had helped him pass the chemistry's final exam in the tenth grade, when Devon had taught him how to play baseball, and when Devon had placed a smelly little bomb in a jock's locker because he'd spoken ill of Spike's father. It didn't matter now because Devon was gone. 

He felt a soft hand touching his. "I'm sorry, Spike," Tara whispered sadly.

"Yeah…" Spike muttered tightly. "So they still don't know who did it?"

"Yeah, they're not sure of anything yet." 

Spike nodded, his eyes still on the photo of a bloody Devon. It didn't help that Devon's eyes were widely opened, fear and shock appearing so clearly. 

"I'm sorry, but I thought you should have known with company rather than alone."

"Yeah, thank you, Tara." He offered a small, grateful smile. She smiled back, her eyes shining with understanding. 

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Spike stopped at his apartment door silently, his hand in his pocket searching for the keys. The sound of key chains in his hand was very loud on his dull ears. With a sigh, he walked into his empty, quiet apartment. 

A small frown traced his face at the sight of unfamiliar boots resting next to his own shoes on the shoe shelf. Someone was inside.

"Xander?" he called, knowing that no one had a copy of the keys to his flat but Xander. He didn't even give a copy to Rupert. 

"In here!" Xander called back from the bedroom.

A feeling of relief washed over Spike. Finally, he had a chance to talk to the boy and explain things better. "Listen, about yesterday." He walked to the bedroom. "I didn't want to offend you. I was just… Xander?"

His bedroom had no Xander. The dim lights were on, the bed sheets were removed, and there were clothes rumbled on the chair next to his desk. Clothes?

The door was suddenly shut from behind him.

Spike whirled around and was greeted by the sight of a very naked Xander. His eyes widened when the naked boy locked the bedroom door.

"Wha…?" he struggled to say as he stared in disbelief. 

Xander turned to look at him, a fierce blush covered his cheeks and ears. He shifted under Spike's gaze, before blurting out, "You know, this will be a lot less uncomfortable if you're naked, too."

"I…" Spike's eyes were locked on Xander's penis. He couldn't tear his gaze away as he desperately tried to listen to what Xander was saying. 

"So… I can see that you like." These words thankfully had woken Spike up from his hypnotized state. He closed his eyes and turned his head away.

"Oh c'mon!" He heard Xander scream in annoyance. 

With his back turned to the boy, he replied, "What in bleedin' hell are you doing?"

"Uh… isn't it obvious? I'm seducing you. It'd have worked if your head wasn't that thick."

"Xander," Spike sighed, aggravated. "I told you…"

"Stop repeating yourself. It's getting old. God knows I've memorized this lecture of yours by heart."

"Believe me I'm not that thrilled with the redundant reputation. But if someone was using the other half of their brain, which I doubt works, I wouldn't have to repeat it, now would I?" Spike snapped back irately.

He heard Xander groan. "What difference would it make if we did it now than seven months later?" 

Spike was about to reply when he felt a warm body touching his back and two arms enveloping him. He looked down at the strong arms he adored. His eyes were locked on the hair, so many, so inductive. 

"C'mon," a persuading whisper from behind him. He felt Xander move slowly, arms still closed around him, until the hazel eyes met his vision. "We both want it." A nudge at Spike's sex, and he couldn't stop the gasp. "I can tell," Xander added. 

"Huh?" Spike was so lost in the sensation that he couldn't bring himself to listen anymore. 

"I know what you're afraid of. Don't worry. If we were able to hide this relationship from Dad, I'm sure no one will notice."

Spike threw a faint scoff. "Well, Rupert is known for being dense."

Xander chuckled. "C'mon, no one is gonna know, I swear, what's stopping you?"

Spike stared at him wordlessly. "My conscience." 

"Your conscience has nothing to hold against you. I'm not a kid." Xander took Spike's hand and placed it on Xander's hard penis.

Spike's breath thickened. He tried to protest but it was too much pressure. His hand, with no control of him, closed on Xander's cock. 

Xander's face approached his. The hazel eyes were half closed, looking lusciously irresistible. A soft, slow kiss on his lips, and then he heard the whispered words, "See? All grown up." 

The wet lips returned and nibbled and sucked on Spike's. Suddenly, Spike lost his jacket and half of his shirt's buttons were ripped off. Moist hands running all over his bare back. Then he felt them both fall on the bed. Rubbing. Kissing. Nibbling.

Not able to take the torture of his trousers, Spike rose and quickly started taking them off. Xander's eyes regarded him with lust. Once he had gotten rid of his pants, he fell on top of a shaking Xander. He started to kiss as Xander rocked under him. Kissing. Shaking. Kissing. Shaking. 

Stopping. 

Spike looked down at Xander with a frown. "What is it?"

"Nothing, just… excitement." Xander grinned nervously. 

Spike's already narrowed eyes narrowed even more. "You're freaking out, aren't you?"

Xander let out a noisy snort. "Don't be silly. Me? After all the fuss I made about this?"

"You know what I think? I think you only yapped about it 'cause I was saying no, now it's just hitting you that it became real."

Xander shook his head. "No, Spike, it's not like that."

"Oh really, I'm…" his sentence was muffled in his mouth when Xander attacked his lips with a big, bruising kiss. Spike felt life being sucked out of him right before Xander broke the kiss.

"I want this. Yes, I'm freaking out like your typical virgin girl, which I am… well, not a girl obviously, but a virgin to gay sex. I did have sex with girls before. One girl but…"

Now it was Spike's turn to shut Xander up with a kiss. It was wrong. But, hey, his friend was a corpse on a picture in the newspapers. Xander wanted this. Spike wanted this. Let him be irrational. It had been a while since he was and, yes, he was weak. So there. 

Spike broke the kiss, looking down at Xander. "Lay on your stomach," he ordered in a hoarse voice.

Xander shivered slightly before he did as told.

Spike reached to the drawer next to the bed. He grabbed the lube, taking some in his fingers and preparing Xander's hole. Xander's trembling made him harder than he was if that was possible. When he finished, he stared at Xander as he lay there with no knowledge of what would come next. He just waited for him, trusting him to do it right. Spike felt nervous. He wasn't sure he could… not with Xander giving him all his confidence.

With a shuddered sigh, his finger moved slowly inside. Smooth. Slow. He must not hurt him. Slow.

A hiss of pain. 

Spike abruptly stopped and looked at the dark head with exaggerated concern. "Did I hurt you?"

A small shake of head and Xander replied, "It's okay."

"How does it feel?"

"Uncomfortable… and a little weird." 

Spike nodded, trembling, and slowly continued with the process. Was it time to add another finger? Or should he wait until Xander adjusted with the feeling? Closing his eyes, he remembered his first time. Almost lost in the sweet memory, he added another finger. He ignored the pained groan and went on. Eyes closed. Mind somewhere else. He was reflecting, remembering.

"Spike…" a sweet sigh. "This is…"

"Wonderful," Spike finished. Eyes closed. A third finger was added. A small uncomfortable wiggle but Spike didn't stop. Eyes closed, he continued, still unsure if those little gasps were for pain or pleasure.

Spike let out a sigh. Now he opened his eyes. Looking at the body under him in determination, he pulled his fingers out quickly.

Xander cried out in pain. 

Spike shot him a horrified look. "I'm sorry! Sorry… you hurt?"

"No, those were howls of bliss," Xander replied scornfully. He twisted his head to look back at Spike. "What's wrong with you? You almost dragged my guts out!"

"Sorry…" Spike muttered, ashamed.

"Spike, you look tense," Xander observed. "You have fucked someone before, haven't you?"

"Yes, yes, I did," Spike lied exasperated. "Now just lay down and let me get on with it." He slapped Xander's ass ruthlessly. 

"This is romantic," Xander scoffed, pressing his head back on the pillow.

Spike took a deep breath and separated Xander's butt cheeks. This was it. His heart was pounding. This was it. Yet he wasn't doing anything. He was just staring. 

"Spike," Xander whispered gently. "This is not an experiment or a surgery, just… go with it… fuck me. Now!"

Spike looked at the back of the dark head. Xander pressed his face on the pillow again, waiting for Spike to start acting like a man. Spike's hesitation must be very amusing to Xander who had topped at least once, whereas Spike never did before. 

Spike cursed the nancy boy feelings. All night he was nervous about doing this right that he wasn't able to enjoy it. And he was sure Xander wasn't either. It was time to bleeding stop worrying about being perfect and just focusing on Xander, who had no experience in this at all, so there should be no pressure. His eyes focused on the still form of Xander, and he smoothly started running his hands up the silky back. He felt Xander shiver at the contact. Spike's hands roamed the long back while he let the tip of his penis brush lightly at Xander's opening. Xander panted faintly.

Spike licked Xander's back as his hands went under Xander, reaching for his nipples. He smirked when he found the pointy tits and let his fingers press on the tips before squeezing hard. He heard a whimper that satisfied him. He started to bite on Xander's back, fingers were tormenting Xander's tits, and length teasing Xander's opening lightly. Xander's flesh felt hot under him like he was on fire. Spike looked up at Xander and found his hands clutching the pillow tightly. 

Spike moved up to Xander's neck. His nose traced the end of Xander's soft and damp hair. He sniffed up the dark hair enjoying the smell of sweat mixed with the Xander's unique scent. He ran his nose in the mass of thick hair until he reached Xander's ear. Without hesitation, he sucked on Xander's earlobe. 

"Spike…" Xander whimpered in frustration. 

That was when Spike entered him. Xander went rigid all of a sudden, and Spike felt the hot cheeks tightening around him. Xander gritted his teeth in pain when Spike pushed at the tightness. 

"Shhh." Spike kissed Xander's ear and hair urging him to relax. He whispered soothing words in Xander's ear, "It's all right, love. Relax. It'll hurt more if you panic."

Xander let himself relax hesitantly. As the tightness around Spike began to loosen, he pushed again, still giving Xander's back a rain of soothing kisses. He set an easy pace for Xander's sake and felt the inside of the boy. Hot and tight. His cock brushed Xander's prostate with each stroke and Xander moaned in pleasure. Spike had never experienced this before. Topping someone and giving them tremors of pleasure. Spike had always been the one receiving; now he was in control. And with every pant Xander gave, he felt himself thrusting faster and stronger. 

Spike began to slam into Xander with much force and speed. He hit the spot sending waves of pleasure to the boy. Hearing Xander's rising groans, Spike was over the edge reaching the climax. He let out an excited scream that matched Xander's cry out for his name. 

Finally, he collapsed on top of Xander, both sweaty and sticky from cum. Muscles compressed and breaths hitched, Spike moved off of Xander and lay next to him. He turned his face to look at Xander, who smiled wearily at him before closing his eyes, drifting to sleep.

A small frown clouded Spike's face before he closed his eyes as well. 

 

 

~*~*~*~

 

 

Spike stirred awake but heard a voice inside his head that insisted he kept his eyes closed. He tried to comprehend why. His eyes were firmly shut, unable to open and face the reality. His heart pounded when he opened his unwilling eyes that stared dreadfully at the boy sleeping next to him.

Should he call him a man now? After all he had made him one. 

Git. 

Scum bag. 

That was what he was. He should have been more responsible and rational. He was past the time when lust and desire took the best of him. Xander was a teenage boy driven by hormones, how could Spike use him like that? A scum walking on the face of earth he was. 

A soft sigh escaped Xander's lips, and Spike looked at him. Xander was smiling. Very small but it was a smile. He looked content, whole. So why was Spike still feeling like shit? Why did it still feel wrong? Xander was happy. Spike should be happy. 

He wasn't though. The feeling of guilt was the one dominating. Staring at the smiling face, Spike urged himself to focus on what was good. Xander under him, shaking with pleasure, moaning and gasping. Spike in control, he'd never been before. He'd never had that option. It was wonderful… being in control. Like a man. 

His hand brushed Xander's locks from his forehead gently and then tucked them behind his ear. Spike's sense of guilt increased as he stared at the peaceful and youthful features of Xander's face. He sighed in despair and glanced at the clock. It was eight and a half in the evening. He rose up, going to the bathroom.

What had been done was done. He couldn't change what had happened. He really wanted to scream in joy, jump like a lunatic, yelling that he was Xander's first, snuggle up next to him, but all that felt so heavy on his chest, because his rational conscience had just woken up. One of the reasons he hadn't protested much and went along with the ride was probably Devon's murder, and Xander's nudity. But that didn't matter. His conscience would not let him live this one. 

With a heated sigh, he headed back to the bedroom. On his way back, he heard a knock on the door. He jumped startled and gazed in horror at his apartment door.

Who was that? Rupert?

His heartbeat quickened when the knocking started again. He thought about asking who that was, but it seemed like his mouth couldn't produce sounds anymore. He hurried inside his bedroom, grabbed his trousers and shirt and clumsily put them on. He cast a quick nervous glance at Xander before he dashed out, pulling the bedroom door behind him. He hadn't heard it shut behind him though, but he was too nervous to think straight. 

He walked anxiously to the door, tucking his shirt inside his trousers, an act he had always despised. He prayed for every religion's God that it wasn't Rupert… or the police. 

"William, are you there?" a whisper from outside.

Spike's heart stopped, almost literally. He stared at the door in complete shock and horror.

"William?"

Spike's hand shakily turned the door knob.

The door opened with a dreading sound revealing the man standing behind it.

"Angel?"

 

 

~*~*~*~


	16. Chapter 16

 

 

 

  
  
"Angel?"  
  
The man in question smiled, and then looked past him at his flat with an expression of admiration.   
  
Spike, however, kept staring at him in shock. He wasn't sure if this was really happening. It was beyond reality in all sorts. Why? How? Two questions arose in his mind.   
  
Angel looked him up and down. "Look at you, you've grown up."  
  
"So have you." Spike couldn't help but note that the man appeared older. It was strangely obvious considering the few years that had passed since they have seen each other. When Spike had first seen his professor, Angel could pass for someone in his early twenties. Right now, he looked nothing but the thirty-three year old man he was.   
  
Spike heard the light chuckle accompanied with, "I guess I have."  
  
"What are you doing here?" he asked a little too vulgarly all of a sudden.  
  
Angel appeared taken aback before a small smile traced his lips. "You're not happy to see me?"  
  
"Uh…"  
  
"It seems you have moved on then."  
  
"N… yes! It's been three years. What did you expect?" he asked angrily. "You left without even talking to me…"   
  
"Oh, please, Will, don't talk like a youngster. You know full well I couldn't do anything. I was transferred to another university with a strict order not to contact you at all seeing that you were still a student. I'm sorry I couldn't provide you with a sweet goodbye."  
  
Spike flushed at the mockery, his hard look remained though, even when he didn't have a clue what to say next.   
  
"Now, may I come in?" Angel asked with a hint of sarcasm, and Spike wanted to kick himself for being distracted by his shock and forgetting his manners.   
  
"Yes, yes, of course," he awkwardly replied, giving Angel enough space to come inside.   
  
Angel walked around the apartment, checking it out with interest. Spike gazed at him skeptically. The calm nature of the other man had always annoyed him, but not as much as the critical eye that lingered on the mess in the kitchen area. In an attempt to block any kind of unwanted criticism, he exclaimed again, "You could have e-mailed. Kept in touch. How could I've known that you'll be…"  
  
"Who's that?" Angel cut him off, sounding less calm.  
  
Spike noticed that the bedroom door was ajar and revealed a glimpse of a sleeping Xander; the blanket wasn't covering his bare chest. Spike looked back at Angel, who was eying Xander with narrowed eyes.   
  
"That's Xander," he answered uncertainly, noting how Angel's eyes were still on the bedroom.   
  
"Isn't Xander the child your father adopted?" Angel asked, realization slowly appearing in his features. Spike cursed himself for telling Angel about Xander, especially when he couldn't stand the tyke at that time.   
  
With fear that Angel was going to pass judgments, he defensively burst out, "He's not my brother!"  
  
Two thick brown eyebrows rose in amazement. Spike felt the blood rush to his cheeks and then he looked down, uncomfortable. "Just wanted to make that clear. We're not related. He's just… Rupert is just his guardian. Xander didn't want to be officially adopted."   
  
"You've had sex with a minor," Angel's voice swiftly drifted into his ears. Spike shut his eyes, knowing where this would go. "That's considered a crime."  
  
Spike opened his eyes in anger, looking at his former professor. "Right. And I suppose my first shag was within the rules."  
  
"We went against the university rules. At that time you were already an adult. That," with a nod at Xander, Angel continued, "is a child."  
  
"You haven't seen his dick."  
  
"His physical appearance doesn't matter. Can you honestly tell me that you don't feel the slightest bit of guilt about what happened?"  
  
Spike stared back at him, lips set in a thin line. He turned away walking toward the bedroom and closed the door. He didn't know if he did it because he didn't want Xander to wake up or because he despised Angel staring at his 'crime'. Then, unexpectedly, he felt fingers touching his upper arms. He inhaled, not moving, as large arms were closing around him reminding him of Xander's from earlier, yet the feeling that went through him was different this time.  
  
He drew his head back resting on the taller man's shoulder with his cheek touching the Angel's cheek. He felt Angel's cheek slowly hardening and guessed that the he was smiling.   
  
Suddenly, he jerked away from the hug, hearing the disappointed sigh. That made him more furious. He turned around fixing angry eyes at the upset face. "Just tell me why you're here?"  
  
"I think it's clear why I'm here."  
  
"So that's it, innit? You just show up and I'm supposed to break out in song and dance for you?"  
  
"I left my life in England to come here," Angel spoke sincerely.   
  
"Let me get this straight. You waited for me all three years until I graduated, no snogging or shagging, and now you're here to get hitched?"  
  
Angel nodded.  
  
"Really. Single all that time?"  
  
Angel's lips twitched. "Well, yes." Then he quickly returned to his serious look.  
  
Spike's eyes narrowed in suspicion.   
  
Angel returned the look with a calm one.  
  
They kept staring at each other for seconds. Eventually, Angel's lips twitched again, and once Spike lifted an eyebrow, Angel burst out laughing.   
  
Spike crossed his arms, smirking. "So you've been with someone."   
  
Angel took his time to calm down. His index finger and thumb rubbing the spot between his eyebrows, eyes closed and lips smiling, he answered, "Yes, it hadn't worked out though."   
  
"And that's because…"  
  
"It's complicated."  
  
"You know, mate, you're here to answer questions, and if you're not going to give answers, then I suggest…"  
  
"I guess I've already fallen in love with you."  
  
"…you stay the hell… what?" Spike gave a fast whisper.   
  
"By that time I've realized that I'm in love with you."  
  
Spike gaped at Angel, he'd expected everything but that answer. "I'm supposed to believe that?" he finally muttered.  
  
"I came here."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"After three years."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Well?"  
  
Spike stared at the silent face. He assumed that was all the explanation Angel was going to offer him. The bloke had always expressed himself in short sentences. It used to remind him so much of Oz.   
  
"So, you're in love with me?" Spike asked.   
  
"Yes."  
  
Spike nodded.  
  
"And you're not," Angel added.  
  
"In love with myself? 'Course, I am."  
  
"William." He rarely had gotten an annoyed warning from Angel, so it seemed he had finally reached his limits of toleration.   
  
"I…" He glanced at the closed door of his bedroom. "I'm not sure." He looked back at Angel to find him gazing at that door as well.   
  
"Don't tell me you're in love with  _him_?" The exclamation was full of ridicule and shock that Spike found himself glaring.   
  
"What…?"  
  
"Has he told you that he's in love with you?"  
  
Spike stared at him baffled. "Not your business there, mate." He chuckled out in amazement.   
  
"I guess not," Angel sighed. "I must say I hadn't expected our meeting to go this way."  
  
It was that. The way Angel was switching the blame on him that infuriated him. The way he acted like Spike had disappointed him in some way. Well, maybe he had. But it wasn't his bleeding fault. "What did you expect? I've moved on," he hissed, gritting his teeth.   
  
"Have you?"  
  
"Yes!" he cried out, and then winced giving a guilty glace at the bedroom. Lowering his voice, he added, "What are you playing at?"   
  
Angel looked into his eyes and Spike couldn't figure out that look. "I guess I better leave."  
  
Spike didn't answer him as he bit his lower lip. He just stood, frustrated, watching Angel bringing out a small paper and a pen. He wrote something on it and Spike already knew it was a number. Angel extended the paper to him. "This is my mobile number, if you change your mind."  
  
Spike didn't move his hand, just stared at the paper silently. He heard Angel sigh and then the paper was placed on the table next to the door. Spike's eyes hadn't left the paper even when he knew that Angel was still standing in the room, probably looking at him. After few seconds he heard the door opening and closing.   
  
Angel had left.   
  
He finally took his eyes off the paper and returned to the bedroom. He stood by the door staring at the bed and Xander, halfhearted. Heaving sigh, he decided he didn't want to sleep, at least not on the bed. He closed the bedroom door quietly and walked to the living room couch. Throwing himself on it, he cursed fate for complicating things even more.   
  
  
  
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
Xander snuggled closer to the pillow, enjoying the feeling of sunrays warming his cheek. Eyes still closed, he felt a little sore in some places of his body. His throbbing ass was the reminder of what had happened last night. Without any control of him, he smiled broadly; knowing already that it must made him look like a goofball. He didn't give a rat's ass though because he was feeling so damn happy.   
  
His arm searched for Spike next to him, but the other side was empty. He patted Spike's spot several times, but he wasn't there. Did Spike fall off the bed? He rolled to the other side and peeked at the floor, opening his eyes for the first time. No, absolutely Spike-less.   
  
He sat on the bed and stretched, feeling his muscles flex. He moved to reach for his pants, wincing at the pain in his ass. Putting his pants on, he cringed, wanting desperately to take a bath.   
  
Walking outside, he found Spike sitting on the couch with a bottle of orange juice and a half full glass. Grinning, he walked toward him, noting the blank stare Spike was giving the glass. He leaned forward to give Spike a kiss, but got a jerk and a push in return.  
  
"You're awake?" Spike gasped and appeared like he had just noticed him.   
  
Xander's eyes flickered at Spike, confused. Was it his breath? He had just woken up and hadn't brushed his teeth yet. A smile slowly formed on his lips. "Yeah, wait here, I'll go brush my teeth and maybe take a shower. I reek of sex!" He snorted a chuckle, noticing Spike's wince. Yeah, that snort annoyed him, too.   
  
The warm water felt nice on his naked body, nice on the sore muscles. He closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling, picturing last night. So that was the gay sex. Not bad. Absolutely. He actually wanted to do it again. But knowing Spike, Xander was sure he wanted to put it off until Xander reached the legal age.   
  
Xander opened his eyes at the thought of Spike. The wince. The push. The gasp. The silence. He hoped Spike wasn't regretting it. He knew he'd pushed him too far yesterday. A nagging feeling inside hurt his chest and Xander didn't want to think about it much.  
  
He hadn't dried his body well, his clothes getting drenched from his still wet form. He left his hair uncombed and walked to the kitchen, grabbing a glass before making his way to the couch.   
  
Spike was still sitting there. Silent. Not moving.  
  
Xander poured him a glass of orange juice, before leaning back on the couch. He stared at Spike, his knees were parted, an elbow on each knee, his forehead rested on both fists.   
  
"Spike?" he whispered, feeling anxious.   
  
With a sigh, Spike looked at him. There was a lot of conflict there. Xander swallowed a lump, looking at the dull eyes.  
  
"Spike," he trailed off. What was he going to say? Sorry? Sorry for the best night of his life?   
  
"Sorry…"  
  
"No," Spike cut him off with a firm tone that Xander wasn't used to. "I'll kill you if you finished that sentence."  
  
"I was selfish…"  
  
"Yes, Xander, you were. You bloody were. But if you said you were sorry for last night, I'll kill you. I already feel like shit and I don't want to know that nothing good came from it."  
  
Xander felt his throat dry, yet he couldn't bring the juice to his lips. "Was it that awful?"  
  
"You're not dense. You know why I'm angry."  
  
Xander slowly nodded.  
  
Spike sighed and threw his head in his hands again. Xander stayed silent, looking guiltily at his juice. He wanted to take a sip, but was afraid it would make a sound. He didn't want to anger Spike more. Spike seemed to struggle with something, and Xander couldn't figure out what.   
  
"Angel was here."  
  
"Huh?" Xander looked at Spike, bewildered.  
  
Spike appeared very uncomfortable. "The professor."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Spike looked at him, his face nervous and scared. Xander just sat there, staring back at Spike, not knowing what to say or how to react. Unconsciously, Xander held the glass next to his lips and took few sips, eyes were still on the blue ones. Lowering the glass to his lap, and noticing that it was almost empty, Xander reached for the bottle.  
  
"Xander," Spike said, uncertain.   
  
Xander knew Spike wanted him to say something, to ask questions. But Xander kept pouring the orange juice in his glass until it was full. He held the glass next to his lips again, and after few sips, a strong hand held his arm.   
  
"Say something," Spike ordered, impatient.  
  
Xander lowered his glass and gave Spike a grim look. "And what am I supposed to say?"  
  
"Anything. Please."  
  
After few seconds of staring, Xander opened his mouth, "You regret what happened yesterday."  
  
Spike looked confused, apparently not expecting that statement. Spike nibbled on his lips, looking like he wanted to choose his words carefully.   
  
"I don't regret  _it_. I just wish it didn't happen yesterday."  
  
"How was it?"  
  
Spike sighed. "It was fun…"   
  
Xander snorted. "Fun!"  
  
"No," Spike exclaimed nervously. "It was more than that. And I'm not just talking about the sex. I'm talking…"  
  
"Spike, tell me and please I want the truth." His eyes fixed on the worried blue ones, boring into them. Getting back all his courage, Xander finally asked, "Was I another rebound?"   
  
Spike went rigidly silent. That alone gave Xander his answer. He hadn't said anything though, he waited. He waited for Spike to deny it. To say something. There was nothing though. Silence. The only sound that could be heard was the movement of the liquid in the glass Xander held.   
  
Xander waited, and as he waited, he realized Spike had never talked to him about the professor. Never showed him a picture of him, never described him to Xander.   
  
Xander couldn't possibly think that he would be similar looking to the professor. However, Spike's silence told him what he was. The professor's convenient replacement.   
  
"So," Xander said decisively. "This is what your first rebound felt like when you dumped him."  
  
"Xander, I…"  
  
"Did you dump him the second day after you got to screw him too?" He did all he could to keep his voice strong. Somehow a waver had escaped, and Spike looked like he wanted to explode.   
  
"You're the one who bleedin' pushed me to it!"  
  
Xander flinched but recovered quickly to stand up.  
  
"Xander," Spike whispered in apology.   
  
Xander didn't answer him but walked right to the shoe shelf and slipped into his boots. He could hear Spike moving quickly toward him. Xander rapidly opened the door but as soon as he opened it, it was slammed shut. He felt strong hands grab his arms and pull him away from the door. Spike's face was before his vision in a second.   
  
"Listen to me, you git!"  
  
Xander struggled to free himself, but Spike kept his strong grip in place. His eyes fell on a beige paper on the table. It clearly showed a cell phone number written in blue ink.   
  
"Calm down!"   
  
"Tell me, Spike!" Xander stopped struggling and looked steadily into Spike's eyes. "Who is it gonna be?"  
  
"I don't know!" Spike yelled.   
  
With all his strength, Xander pushed Spike away from him. "Fuck you, asshole! It's all your freakin' fault. You. You made me feel this way. I was perfectly fine until you came back. Why the hell didn't you just stay in England where you were, you shit!"  
  
With that outburst, he hurried to the door, and this time, Spike let him go.  
  
  
  
  


 

~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
There was a bowling ball in his stomach. There was a desert in his mouth. Xander swore that was a song he had heard. Whatever it was though, it completely described how he felt.  
  
There was a lot of noise around him, which was a given, considering he was walking down the street. He walked and walked. Angry. Frustrated.   
  
People were shouting, and he thought he heard his name, but knew it was just his imagination. That usually happened when someone was walking through a noisy crowd. Illusions of name calling happened so often.   
  
He suddenly slammed against someone. A mop of red hair was all he could see in front of him.   
  
"Xander, didn't you hear me? I called you…"  
  
He looked down to find Willow, who stopped talking once his face was focused on hers. Her green eyes widened with horror.   
  
"Xander, what happened?"  
  
He felt his eyes watering, threatening to shoot tears. He couldn't cry in front of Willow. So he started running away.  
  
"Xander!"  
  
He kept running, and frustratingly, that didn't stop the tears from falling. He slammed against people on his way, but that didn't stop him, neither did the angry name-callings. Running was all he could do and wanted to do. Running from the hurt, the humiliation and everybody he knew.   
  
When he was about to stumble, he stopped. He stood, confused, and looked around the empty park. How did he get here?  
  
"Xander!"  
  
He turned around facing Willow, who seemed to have followed him all the way to the park. She stared at him in fear and confusion.   
  
"Xander, tears?"   
  
He couldn't bear it any longer and that when he lost control of his legs and fell. Except he fell into Willow's arms, and she pulled him fretfully to her embrace. Both of them fell roughly to the ground, and that was when he broke down.  
  
He had never cried like this in his life, not even after his father had died. He wanted to feel ashamed of himself for crying, but it was impossible. He could feel ashamed for something else. For letting himself be used, for letting someone make him feel undesired. How awful it felt. And Willow pulling him close just didn't seem to make it better.  
  
  
  
  


 

~*~*~

 


	17. Chapter 17

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander closed his eyes again, inhaling another shaky breath, pressing his face more against Willow's lap. He felt her fingers caress his hair gently for a second time, making him feel more relaxed. Willow's room was dim and warm and that soothed his angry emotions to some extent. The atmosphere was peaceful. He was also glad her parents were out or he and Willow would've had a hard time explaining the damp lines on Xander's cheeks.   
  
Willow hadn't asked or said a word to him. He knew she was nervous for the most part, but there was still a stronger side within her. She had kept calm all the way back to her house with a firm hold on his hand. She had still kept calm when she had led him to her room, when she had sat on the bed leaning against the headboard, gesturing for him to lie down next to her.   
  
He was grateful for her silence as it helped him lose himself into rational deep thoughts. Spike was having second thoughts because the Professor was back. He should have known that the idiot was still harboring a major jones for the freak. It hurt. Spike's dismissal of him hurt so bad. Maybe… maybe Xander had it coming for being a manipulative ass to Spike before?   
  
He sat bolt upright, hearing Willow's surprised gasp, forgetting she was here. He looked down at his hands that rested on Willow's comforter.   
  
"You want something to drink?" He heard Willow's concerned question.   
  
"No," he answered. "I'm fine."  
  
"Now, do you want to talk?"   
  
"I'm not sure."  
  
They sat in silence for a few seconds. He couldn't bring himself to look at her face, preferring to draw invisible circles on her comforter.   
  
"So things didn't work out with Spike?" Willow asked a question that didn't surprise him at all.  
  
Xander knew his friends figured out one way or another that he and Spike were getting a little too close for friends. The reason they never confronted him about it before was that he rarely was around.   
  
He looked up at her. "You knew," he said.  
  
"Of course, I knew," Willow said, annoyed. Xander couldn't help the blood rushing to his cheeks, looking down again, embarrassed.   
  
"So obvious, huh?"  
  
"Xander…" Willow let out an exasperated sigh. "Your father said you were getting along great with Spike. It's obvious from our last conversation that you were headed to  _this_ direction."   
  
Xander bit his lip. "What does Jesse think?"  
  
"I think he's more upset with you spending zero time with him lately,"   
  
"I…" Xander trailed off, not knowing an answer to that.  
  
"I share the same opinion as well," Willow added.   
  
Xander looked up again, feeling defensive. "Willow, I…"  
  
"Xander, I could care less about your preferences in life partners." Willow looked straight into his ashamed eyes. "As long as you're happy, I don’t need to worry about anything else." She lowered her gaze down at her lap. "I wish you didn’t feel like you needed to hide this from us."  
  
"I should talk to Jesse."  
  
"You should." Willow regarded him with resolved eyes. "I never saw him like this before. He even stopped ogling Cordelia for a change."  
  
"I guess some things turned out okay," Xander mumbled, attempting a teasing smile.   
  
The look Willow gave him made him stare down at his lap in embarrassment.   
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike was a little surprised to see Rupert standing in front of his flat. It wasn't often that his father visited, usually when he did, he'd have Xander with him. Spike felt warmth inside him at the sight of his father visiting, especially without Xander tagging along. Except it wasn't likely that Xander would visit any time soon. Something inside swelled at that thought.   
  
"If you're going to stand shocked for more than another two seconds, I think I better go buy me an espresso…"  
  
Spike laughed. "No, no, c'mon in." He opened the door wider allowing his father in. He quickly hurried to the kitchen area, knowing perfectly well that a pot of tea was a definite must.   
  
He boiled some water in an electric kettle, wondering why Rupert was here. Somehow a random social visit sounded too good to be true. Had he spoken to Xander? Spike doubted that Xander would blurt out the truth, but maybe Xander said something about Spike hurting him.   
  
Xander's face this morning, filled with anguish and betrayal. Spike couldn't erase it from his mind. He had to talk to Xander. With that thought, he placed the teapot, cups and sugar on a tray and walked to the living room.   
  
Rupert appeared calm, reading the head titles in the newspaper on the table. While Spike poured some tea, Rupert suddenly asked, "So… how did it go?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You and your former professor."  
  
The hot tea almost spilt on Spike's hand. "What?!"  
  
"Do be careful, Will. You'll burn yourself," Rupert exclaimed, snatching the teapot from Spike's hand. "Perhaps I should be the mother."   
  
Spike stared at his father with wide eyes, too shocked to form coherent words. "What… what did you mean… by what you said?"  
  
Rupert poured some tea in the empty cup. "He didn't come over?" He sounded a little disappointed.   
  
"Rupert, rewind please, how did you know about Angel?"   
  
"He visited me yesterday." It was said in a casual manner.  
  
Spike's lips trembled slightly. "He… what?"  
  
"He came to seek my approval of your relationship. He thought that I still have objections."   
  
Spike stared at his father like he'd grown two heads. This didn't make any sense. Angel went to Rupert to ask his permission to see Spike?   
  
"I was startled myself," his father went on. "I told him that my opinion doesn't matter considering that you're an adult, and it's completely your decision."  
  
Spike wasn't sure if he was more shocked at Angel's visiting his father to ask for his 'approval' to pursue a relationship with him or the fact that Rupert didn't mind. The entire conversation was getting out of his head. He didn't know what to say.   
  
"You… you're all right with this?" Spike chose to ask, still stunned concerning his father's unexpected support.   
  
"I'll learn to be fine with whatever you choose." Rupert took a sip of his tea, and Spike continued to blink. There was a sly smile on his father's face when he placed the cup on the tray. "Besides, he seemed rather determined."  
  
Spike frowned.   
  
Rupert's smile became affectionate. "I think he has deep feelings for you."  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike sighed as he stood in front of Xander's door. He hadn't seen him since morning and hadn't heard from him either. Maybe Spike should have called. But he was too confused that he wasn't sure he could handle listening or meeting either Xander or Angel.  
  
He knocked gently three times.   
  
"Who is it?"  
  
"It's me," he whispered.  
  
He heard no answer but didn't do anything and resumed standing still. When the silence took too long, he knocked again. This time his answer was several bangs on the other side of the door and a loud, "Go away!"  
  
Shaking his head at the nancy reaction, Spike opened the door and went inside. He dodged the rain of objects that Xander threw at him. However, he wasn't fast enough to avoid the Light Saber.  
  
"Very mature. Now would you, please, listen to me!" he yelled, exasperated.   
  
Xander glared at him from his place on bed and asked, "What do you want?"  
  
Spike sighed. "Just… listen."  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
He listened to the speech with focusing ears, feeling his bored expression melting. Slowly, a smile formed on his lips as he listened. The speech was very awkward, but nonetheless sweet. He couldn't help but stand up and walk toward him, put a finger in his lips to silence him and then lean in to give him a chaste kiss.  
  
He watched the eyelids flinch before opening. Blue eyes stared back at him. "Nice peck on the lips, mate. Care to make it more adult version?"  
  
He smiled. "Of course." He leaned again to give a more passionate kiss, and moaned, "William."  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
It was late at night when Willow opened the front door to find Xander outside, head downcast, eyes looking down at his shoes, hands stuffed in his pockets.   
  
"What's wrong?" she asked, worried.  
  
He didn’t meet her eyes. "Spike… he picked him," he choked quietly, looking up at her. The way Xander's eyes shined with tears broke her heart.   
  
She held out her arms, and Xander dove into them.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

 


	18. Chapter 18

 

 

  
  
  
Spike's eyelids drifted open, and he was greeted with the blurry shapes of his bedroom. He was slowly aware of his surroundings, and  _definitely_  aware of the naked body that was pressed against his back. He stared at the big arm wrapped across him wistfully before he moved out of the embrace as gently as possible so not to wake Angel.   
  
Spike looked down at Angel's sleeping face, resting peacefully on the pillow. Spike's fingers touched the bite marks on his shoulder lightly, and the tip of his tongue ran over his swollen lips. He squeezed his eyes shut and held in a sigh, and then he padded silently to the closet, fetching for his robe.   
  
The cold water hit his face first, and he shivered when it slipped down his body. It took seconds before the water warmed up. Spike hung his head, closing his eyes, and let the water wash over him. Something swelled inside, something the warm water couldn't fix. His hand made a tight fist, and he had to restrain himself from punching the wall.   
  
He was so fucking angry, he was so angry he wanted to tear his own skin off. A mixture of different emotions surged inside him, suffocating him, so painfully torturous.   
  
He grabbed his loofah mitt and poured too much shower gel on it that it started dripping to the floor. He scrubbed his chest roughly until the spot between his nipples became raw and pink. He moved the loofah down, scrubbing  _that_  area. He scrubbed it repeatedly, hard and long. He lathered and rinsed it, so fucking angry.   
  
He tossed the loofah out of the shower in frustration and then roared loudly. "Shit," he hissed, realizing that he might have woken Angel. He tried to calm himself down, running his fingers through his wet hair. He took a step back and stood still under the rush of water; this time it helped him relax a little.   
  
However, nothing really calmed his nerves like the hot smoke rising from his cup of tea. Spike inhaled it desperately, and then took a sip from the burning liquid; it went down his sore throat soothingly.  
  
"You're awake?"  
  
Spike's head jerked up at the sound of Angel's soft whisper. He was standing by his bedroom door, wearing nothing to cover his naked body. Spike couldn't help looking away, focusing his gaze down on his cup.  
  
"Look at me, Will."  
  
Spike shook his head.  
  
"I thought you liked it…" Angel's voice slipped a little, and he sounded somewhat insecure. It didn't suit him at all.   
  
"I did," Spike admitted. "I shouldn't. Not so soon after…"   
  
"So, it's Xander."  
  
Angel's voice was too low for Spike to figure out his tone. He could feel Angel approaching him until he stood next to him, his hand hovering over Spike's shoulder with uncertainty before he touched it lightly.   
  
"William, please look at me."  
  
Spike did as told and flinched at Angel's hard stare. "I understand, Will." His words and tone were gentler than his expression.   
  
"You do?" Spike said, skeptical.  
  
"While I do, I have to tell you that if you're having second thoughts about this, then we end it now." Angel's hand tightened its hold on Spike's shoulder.   
  
"Angel…" Spike trailed off, unsure what to say. Everything was confusing. There's something that felt so wrong and right about this, but Spike didn't know which. What he knew was that sleeping with Angel the night after he slept with Xander was wrong and despicable. So insulting to Xander.   
  
"I just…" Spike started again, "it seems like I've been using Xander. And that wasn't my intention… I have…  _had_ …" He wanted to kick himself for switching to past tense. " _No_ , I'm not going to lie. I still have feelings for him." He looked at Angel, determined. "But he wasn't right for me. I know that now."  
  
"Am I?" Angel asked, a hint of a smile danced at the corners of his mouth.  
  
Spike's lips twisted into a lopsided smile. "I think so."  
  
Angel's smile gradually vanished. "You don't act like you do."  
  
Spike looked away. "I'm sorry. I just… I feel I've done Xander wrong. I don't think he'll forgive me."  
  
Angel's hand left his shoulder and started stroking his hair tenderly. "He will. He's still a kid, so he won't take it maturely, but he will eventually."  
  
Spike's brows furrowed. He didn't like how disrespectful Angel talked about Xander; he couldn't stop pointing out how young Xander was. Spike knew what Angel was doing, which amused him. The thought of Angel being so insecure about them he had to speak ill of Xander was just too ridiculous. Angel was the confident one, the one who took care of Spike, the one who taught him, he couldn't just be this… human.   
  
Spike's hand went to rest on Angel's hand, caressing it soothingly. He looked up at Angel, letting his eyes speak to him instead of his words, reassuring him that there was nothing to be insecure about.   
  
Angel's rigid expression softened a little, and his lips curled up into a warm smile. "I love you," he whispered.  
  
Spike said nothing to that, just smiled up at him.   
  
Angel leaned down and kissed him, and that was when Spike knew he made the right decision.   
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander nodded to Mrs. McNally with a smile as she led him to the living room where Jesse was. He was supposed to talk to Jesse yesterday, but with all the heartbreak and crying on Willow's lap –twice to his shame- he couldn't bring himself to. He didn't feel like doing it today either, but tomorrow was Monday, and delaying it until they saw each other at school didn't sound good. Doing it over the phone was out, Jesse deserved more than that.   
  
Xander stood by the door silently, watching Jesse spread on the couch, using one arm as a pillow. His other hand slipped lazily inside a bowl of chips, and on that table there were three empty Bugles bags and a couple of Pepsi cans.   
  
On TV, there was an episode of  _That 70s Show_  where the Formans were eating in the kitchen.   
  
Xander made his way into the living room and stood next to the couch, eyes still on TV. "Hey," he said softly.   
  
Jesse didn't answer right away, and before Xander was sure he'd be ignored, he heard Jesse muttering under his breath, "What brings you here?"  
  
Xander glanced at him. "Is this how you greet your best bud?"  
  
A doubtful glance met his. "You sure about that?"  
  
Xander scratched his temple briefly. "You think it's Willow now?"  
  
"Does it matter? You already have Spike."  
  
Something squeezed inside him, and Xander had to breathe a calming sigh. "I don’t, Jess. Never did," he admitted quietly.   
  
Jesse remained silent this time. Xander noticed him smiling at a joke from the TV.   
  
"Which season?" he asked.   
  
Jesse didn't answer, his smile growing whenever someone made fun of Eric.   
  
Xander looked back at the TV, paying attention to the events. "Ah, don't tell me. Jackie's with Kelso. The earlier, better seasons."  
  
He heard a bored sigh from the couch. "Can you just say what you want and get out?"  
  
Now, Xander was fed up. He went to stand right in front of the TV, trying to get Jesse's full attention.   
  
"Hey, I'm watching that," Jesse snapped at him.  
  
"Look, I may have blown both of you off to spend time with Spike. I… " Xander stopped and shook his head. "No, no more excuses. I was being a jerk. But I'm back. And it's never gonna happen again."   
  
Jesse's eyes narrowed at him. "Are you back because you want to or because Spike dumped your ass?"  
  
Feeling like he was just slapped, Xander raised his hands in surrender and moved away from the TV. He dropped on a couch next to Jesse's and stared at the TV again: Eric and his friends were at the basement smoking pod as usual.   
  
_“Eric, maybe you should let David have Donna. I mean, they look so nice together.”_  
  
_“See, this is why your country lost the war.”_  
  
_“My country never fought a war.”_  
  
_“Yeah, big surprise. You know, Forman, I'm a romantic. So I say you choke him 'til his eyes pop out!”_  
  
Jesse chuckled. "Hyde is the best."  
  
Xander smiled with a brief glance at Jesse. "Ever pictured us doing the Circle?"  
  
Jesse levered himself on his elbow and looked at Xander. "You, me, Willow and…" he trailed off, thinking about it. He grinned in mischief. "Your dad?"  
  
Xander snorted. "Bitchin'."   
  
Jesse imitated Mrs. Roman's laugh, and Xander burst into a real one. They stared at each other, smiling, before they turned their attention back to the TV.   
  
  


 

 

~*~*~*~


	19. Chapter 19

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike rubbed his forehead, gazing at the Microsoft Word page. This was the worst case of writer's block he'd ever had. He'd like to take a few hours off to refresh his mind, but this wasn't a hobby. He should hand the story to the newspaper tomorrow.   
  
He heard the bedroom door opening behind him as well as Angel's loud yawn. "Good morning."  
  
He turned around to look at him stretching. "Good  _afternoon_."  
  
Angel gave him a peck on the lips, before he grabbed a chair and sat next to Spike. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Trying to finish this bloody short story." Spike returned his attention to the laptop's screen. Perhaps he should go out for a while, maybe buy their breakfast instead of making it. Not that he'd find anyone selling breakfast at this hour. Maybe he could buy some donuts from a coffee shop.   
  
"Oh, by the way, Rupert invited us to have tea with him, which would be…" He glanced at his watch. "About an hour from now, so you need to take a shower right away."   
  
Angel nodded in agreement but showed no sign of moving. He relaxed even more in his seat.   
  
Spike was about to shut down the laptop, when he heard Angel saying, "Can I see it?"   
  
Spike looked at him, caught off guard by the question. "Uh, you… you want to read it?"  
  
Angel raised an amused eyebrow. "Yes?"   
  
Spike hesitated a little, throwing a couple of glances at the screen. "Uh, all right. Here." He handed his laptop to Angel.   
  
Angel stared at the screen, reading Spike's short story silently. Spike shifted in his seat and mentally stomped the urge to nibble on his lips. He berated himself for feeling so nervous; he'd never felt like this when the editor at  _Sunnydale Press_  read it before giving him his approval. But… this was Angel. His former professor, his partner, his everything… Spike couldn't bear disappointing him.   
  
Angel's eyebrows drew together, and Spike's heart sunk, feeling an overwhelming distress. Angel didn't like it. He thought it was stupid. He hated it.   
  
"Too many 'walks'," Angel said.  
  
Angel's words snapped Spike out of his mental rant. "What?"  
  
"You used the verb 'walk' too many times, either change it or rephrase the sentences."   
  
Spike swallowed, trying to keep his emotions under control. "Oh. Right."  
  
Angel started reading again, and Spike found himself relaxing a little. Angel could improve the story before he sent it to the newspaper. He could be his beta. Spike smiled at that thought.   
  
"You're spelling the American way, but you're using the British words. And your language is jumbled between two accents."  
  
"The language setting in my Microsoft Word is English USA," Spike defended. "As for the accent, what do you expect? I lived my whole life in Sunnydale."   
  
"Guess we'll have to work on that then," Angel said with a smile.  
  
Spike grinned, sitting back, feeling better about this.   
  
Angel chuckled as he read. "I forgot how much of a Romantic you are."  
  
Spike lifted his eyebrows. "And I suppose you're still the old Realist."  
  
Angel gave a lopsided smile. "Remember when we used to have long discussions about this?"  
  
Spike felt his lips curling up into a smile. "The differences between styles and interests." Spike remembered when they had prolonged debates on the importance of appreciating nature in poetry. Their opinions had always clashed, and Spike had always enjoyed discussing literature with Angel – something he'd never had with Xander.  
  
Angel chuckled again. "Remember how upset you were when I criticized Ralph Hepdurn?"  
  
Spike scoffed. "You call that criticism? That was downright destructive bashing."   
  
"You always liked those larger than life heroes."  
  
"Just shows Romantics have more imagination."   
  
"Elliot's  _The Waste Land_  would beg to differ."  
  
 _The Waste Land_  was one of Spike's favorite poems, despite the darkness and pessimism. No one could deny that it was a masterpiece. Spike wondered if he could ever write something like that. He stared at his laptop, lost in thought.   
  
"What are you thinking about?" Angel asked gently.   
  
Spike felt blood rushing to his cheeks. "Uh, there's… there's something…" He couldn't. Too embarrassing. "Never mind."  
  
"What?"  
  
Spike shook his head. "It's stupid."  
  
"I'm sure it's not. Tell me." Angel appeared very interested now, which made Spike more uncomfortable.   
  
He rubbed his hands together before wiping them on his pants anxiously, repeating the same actions a few times. When he noticed Angel giving him a look, he started talking, "For a long time, before I left for college, I started…" he trailed off, still unsure about it.   
  
Angel nodded impatiently, and Spike felt it wasn't that big of a deal. On with it already. "I started writing a biography… about my experiences… which… which turned into a story about me." A nervous laugh. "It's nothing… just stupid…"   
  
"I'd like to read it," Angel interrupted.   
  
Spike's eyebrows flew up, wrinkling his forehead. "Oh, no, it's… it needs a lot of work, and I'm not sure it's interesting enough to be published."  
  
"I can't say anything about it until I read it," Angel pointed out.   
  
"Now?" Spike's heartbeat sped slightly.  
  
"Maybe not now. I mean, we have to be at your father's by four. Perhaps after we come back." He stood up with a smile and walked to the bathroom.  
  
Spike felt stunned. He was used to Xander dismissing his writings, but Angel was showing so much interest that it was too overwhelming and… and felt really, really good. Spike couldn't stop smiling.   
  
"Oh." Angel peered from the bathroom door. "I'll read it after we finish working on that short story for the newspaper." With a warm smile, he shut the bathroom door behind him.  
  
Yes, Spike couldn't stop smiling.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander tapped his fingers restlessly on the kitchen table while Giles fussed around in the kitchen, acting as if it was the first time he made tea in his entire life. Bored, Xander noted how Giles poured the hot water in the wrong pot before he cursed and then made the fatal mistake of holding the hot pot without wearing oven mitts.   
  
"So, this Angel guy is English?" Xander asked, watching Giles washing his burnt fingers with cold water.   
  
"No, he's from Ireland, but spent his childhood and adolescence in Los Angeles," Giles said, taking the MEBO cream from the drawer. He had one in each room in case of emergencies. You'd never know when you spill hot tea on yourself, especially when you wander around the house with a cup of tea every day. "He studied in William's university in England and was one of their top students. After he graduated, he applied for a position and was readily accepted."   
  
Xander twisted his lips, already figured out that this Angel must be a mastermind. There was no chance of him being an abusive, mentally challenged asshole.   
  
The doorbell rang, and Xander's chest tightened at the sound.   
  
"Oh, would you please let them in, Xander?" Giles asked, hurrying around the kitchen to get things ready. "Take them to the living room, and I'll be there with the tea."  
  
Xander stood up reluctantly and headed to the front door. He stared at it impassively, feeling empty on the inside. He couldn't muster the energy to open it. He couldn't bear seeing them together, would they be smiling at each other? Would they be laughing? Would Spike's arm be around Angel?  
  
The second ring made Xander close his eyes and heave a sigh. He had to open the door eventually, better end the torture now.   
  
The second he opened the door, he was face to face with Spike. Xander's breath caught in his throat, and Spike's expression was frozen, apparently he thought Giles was going to open the door. They hadn't seen each other in two days, and for some reason Spike looked different. Looked like someone Xander hadn't seen for a long time.   
  
"Is it an American costume to greet people at the door for a long time," Angel commented with a lopsided smile.  
  
Spike glanced at Angel before he managed a weak smile at Xander. "Hi."  
  
With a scornful fleeting look at Angel, Xander let them in without returning Spike's greeting.   
  
"Uh, you're still standing there?" Giles' voice drifted to Xander's ears as he crossed the lobby to the living room with the tray. "Hurry up to the living room."   
  
Xander stood quietly by the door, watching Spike and his boyfriend walking in. Spike appeared a little nervous; he was glancing between Angel and Xander, like he wanted to introduce them but didn't know how.   
  
Angel decided to save him the trouble and extended a hand to Xander. "Hello, you must be Xander. I'm Angel Jones. Pleased to meet you."  
  
Xander eyed Angel's hand with disinterest before he closed the door and walked to the living room, leaving them standing there without a word. He could feel their gazes boring his back, and the idea of Spike being upset with him twisted his heart painfully, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't shake hands with the man who stood between him and Spike.   
  
Xander stopped next to the table where the tea was. Giles made quite an effort to make it look nice, but he shouldn't read too much into it, it was a British thing. Giles welcomed Spike and Angel into the living room with too much excitement for Xander's liking. They exchanged a few jokes and laughs as they moved closer to the table, and Xander didn't want to see any of that. His gaze glued to an empty teacup, wondering if it was the one the asshole was going to drink from.   
  
Suddenly, Xander heard his name, and his gaze snapped at Giles, who gestured with his head at the teapot, ordering Xander to serve them tea, being the youngest. Xander nodded quietly, glancing at Spike and Angel who were already seated. Spike cast him a friendly smile that Xander didn't return, too busy with his task.   
  
He put each cup on a saucer with a teaspoon and a sugar cube first and then started to pour the tea. He placed one hand on the lid so it wouldn't slip and cause an unfortunate accident before pouring the tea slowly. They talked and laughed, and he couldn't comprehend what they were saying, focusing all his attention on what he was doing.   
  
Xander held out the first cup to Giles, who shook his head and nodded at Angel. Guests first apparently. Xander looked at Angel over his shoulder, and the man smiled gently at him.   
  
Xander pursed his lips and walked to Angel's side with the cup. He leaned forward, presenting the cup, but Angel didn't take it. Xander looked up, confused.   
  
"I'd like two sugar cubes," Angel said.   
  
Xander restrained himself from throwing the hot liquid on the smug face before him and placed the saucer on Angel's side of the table before fetching for another sugar cube.   
  
"When serving tea, you should ask your guests how many lumps," Angel instructed.   
  
Giles gave a small laugh. "I tried to teach him the proper way, but he's never interested."  
  
"Americans," Angel scoffed with good humor.  
  
Xander, on the other hand, didn't see the good in it. "You lived most of your life in Los Angeles so you're sort of one," he shot back.  
  
Angel had a small smile on his lips. "Perhaps. But the last fifteen years of my life I've spent in England."   
  
"Wow, fifteen? That's even more than half of Spike's age."  
  
"I'd like to have my tea, please."   
  
Xander startled at Spike's outburst, his eyes meeting Spike's angry stare. "How many lumps?" he asked quietly.  
  
"None," Spike answered in a hard voice.  
  
Spike's look and voice were shattering in Xander's heart, and he silently removed the teaspoon and sugar cube before handing Spike his tea. Spike accepted with a nod, didn't even smile or say thanks. Xander swallowed thickly, staring at Spike sipping from his tea, avoiding eye contact. Spike felt so distant from him, far away, where he could not see or hear him, and abruptly things in Xander's chest started strangling him.   
  
Giles cleared his throat behind him.  
  
Xander spun around, clutching his chest as his heart rate began to sky rocket. Giles eyed him disapprovingly; Xander forgot him completely. He bit on his lower lip and hurried to serve Giles his tea.   
  
Xander sat next to Giles, looking at Spike, trying to send him apologetic looks, but Spike wasn't looking at him.   
  
"So, Angel, what are you going to do now that you moved to Sunnydale?" Giles asked.   
  
"I've gotten a recommendation letter from the university in England. I'll try to apply at UC Sunnydale." Angel took one of the cookies on the plate and handed it to Spike, who accepted it with a smile. Xander watched them resentfully.   
  
"Xander is expecting a letter from Northwestern University."  
  
"Dad," Xander exclaimed, uncomfortable.   
  
"Oh, Northwestern University," Angel said. "It's a good college. It's not Harvard, but still good."  
  
Xander wanted to punch him.   
  
"I hope you get accepted, Xander," Spike said sincerely.   
  
Xander looked at him, his chest tightening painfully.   
  
"Oh, right," Giles started. "I've been meaning to tell you, William. Your Cousin Janet's wedding has been advanced to next Saturday."  
  
"That soon? What happened?"  
  
"Her fiancée received scholarship from Oxford." Giles nodded to Xander to pour him more tea. Xander did as told, trying to be more graceful about it this time.   
  
"What about the hotel reservation?" Spike asked.  
  
"They canceled it. They'll be throwing the ceremony at your aunt's house." Giles accepted the cup from Xander before smiling at Spike. "I have your invitation, and you can bring Angel with you." Xander's heart snapped at that. "It'll be an opportunity to introduce him to the family. Aunt Lily specially is excited to meet him."  
  
Spike nodded. "Okay." He threw a smile at Angel, and Xander felt his insides recoil making him sick to his stomach. That was  _the_  smile. The one that made Xander weak, the one that made him lose control of himself, the one that had been saved specially for Xander.   
  
"I'm bringing a date, too," Xander blurted out. He didn't even think when he said that, just hated how happy Spike looked with Angel. Hated it badly.   
  
Giles' face blossomed into a happy smile. "Really, Xander? Splendid. What's her name?"  
  
"Her name? Uh…" Shit, shit, shit! He couldn't say Willow. He could  _not_  say Willow.  
  
"So, Rupert, do you have the invitation card here?" Spike asked, throwing a brief glance at Xander.  
  
"Oh, yes, here it is." Giles reached for a bag on the floor and brought out an elegant invitation card.   
  
Xander's heart dropped from his chest to his stomach. He stared at Spike, frozen with shock and anger. Spike knew he was bluffing; he was saving him from a moment of embarrassment. Spike knew he didn't have a date. Xander's lips trembled slightly and he wanted to hide his face in humiliation.  
  
He stood up instinctively and started walking out of the room.   
  
"Where are you going, Xander?" Giles asked.  
  
Xander turned around and forced a smile on his lips. "Uh, the bathroom." He tried hard not to look at Spike or his jerk of a boyfriend. "Be back in a few."  
  
Once he was out of the room, Xander ran to the bathroom, smacking the door shut behind him. He was shaking with rage, he couldn't help it, he wanted to take something and smash it to pieces. Letting out a mortified whimper, he turned on the sink and splashed his face with cold water, trying to calm himself down.  
  
He couldn't go back there. It hurt. It hurt so bad being in the same room with Spike and his boyfriend, seeing them happy together. It ripped his heart to pieces.   
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~


	20. Chapter 20

 

 

 

  
  
  
Attending a British wedding was exactly like attending an American wedding, except for the accents and haughtiness. Xander had only been to one American wedding when he was a kid, and while Cousin Carol's wedding was too simple for him to make a defiant judgment, he based his comparison on what he saw in movies. As for the British, well, ever since Giles took him under his wing, Xander had been to more weddings than he could count. All which had been upper class, expensive clothes and jewelries, and snotty attitudes – mostly directed at Xander.   
  
He still wasn't so popular with the Giles clan. Almost every single one of them despised him and wanted him gone. He never said a thing to Giles, no need to make a big deal out of it, especially when Xander didn't see Giles' relatives that often. He could tolerate their bigheaded remarks and distained stares as long as there was a large meal by the end of the ceremony.   
  
Besides, there were more important matters to take care of. Like showing Spike that he wasn't some pathetic dateless nerd.   
  
Xander glanced at his beautiful date with a self-satisfied smile, she returned it modestly. After that afternoon tea tragedy, Xander had made a quick phone call to Willow, begging her to set him up with one of her gal pals. Willow had refused seeing as Xander was just going to use her friend to get back at Spike, and Willow wanted to keep the few girlfriends she had.   
  
Knowing that Willow would be useless, Xander went to Jesse for help. His bud didn't disappoint. They'd searched the school for an easy target, and found her in Xander's chemistry class. Renee had just been dumped and was too vulnerable, and luckily for Xander, she'd agreed to be his date at the wedding without hesitation.   
  
Renee tugged on Xander's arm. "Isn't that your dad?" she asked, pointing at Giles greeting obnoxious Aunt Lily.  
  
Xander nodded.  
  
"Let's go say hi," Renee said, pulling him along. Xander wanted to protest, he wasn't in the mood for a new encounter with Aunt Lily.   
  
The second Aunt Lily's eyes landed on him, her lips curled in contempt. Xander glared at her in response. Screw her. He was not going to get worked up over her.   
  
"Hey,  _Dad_ ," he stressed, inwardly dancing when she cringed. "I'd like you to meet Renee, my date."  
  
He pulled Renee forward, eyes still on Aunt Lily. "Renee, this is my dad."  
  
Aunt Lily rolled her eyes and walked away. Good riddance.   
  
"I know Mr. Giles, Xander," Renee said in an amused voice bringing Xander back to the situation. "He's the school's librarian."   
  
Xander blinked. "Uh…"   
  
Renee had a sweet smile on her lips. "Still, this is the first time I see him somewhere without books around." She extended a hand. "Hey, Mr. Giles."  
  
Giles smiled at her and shook her hand gently. "Hello, Renee, I'll take this as another opportunity to remind you to return  _that_  book you borrowed last week."  
  
She giggled mischievously.   
  
Xander spotted Spike and Angel talking to some of the relatives. He grabbed Renee's arm and dragged her along behind him. "Bye, Dad!"  
  
"What's up?" Renee exclaimed, stumbling after him.   
  
Xander didn't answer, too busy picturing Spike's face when he introduced his date to him.  
  
"Oh, William, you two make a lovely couple," Xander heard Aunt Margret's merry comment, making him slow down a little.   
  
"He certainly appears to be a fine young man," Uncle Arthur added.   
  
Angel nodded to them both. "I appreciate your kind words."  
  
"I have to say, William, when I first heard about, uh, your preferences in life partners, I was afraid you're going to go for some cack-handed berks." Her eyes noticed Xander, and her expression dissolved into disgust. "Speaking of."  
  
Everybody turned around to see him. A muscle in Xander's jaw ticked as something in his chest tightened. He didn't doubt that he appeared so small in front of Spike, but Spike didn't seem to show it. He had a friendly smile on his lips. "Hey, Xander."  
  
Aunt Margret and Uncle Arthur decided to leave; they had better things to do than talking to a loser. Those freaking show-offs.   
  
"Nice to see I'm still unwelcomed by the uppish folks," Xander muttered.  
  
"Forget about them." Spike's hand clutched his arm and squeezed in support. Xander's heart began to stutter, and he swallowed thickly, his eyes not leaving the hand holding his arm. When Spike's hold started to loosen, coldness seeped inside him, lancing right through his heart.   
  
"Who's the lovely lady?" Spike asked.   
  
The question brought Xander back to reality. He blinked his eyes at Renee, completely forgetting about her. "Oh. Right. Spike, this is Renee, my date."  
  
Renee rolled her eyes at him, and he could see that she was a tad annoyed. She smiled when Spike extended a hand to her and shook it politely. "Spike. That's an unusual name."  
  
"It's actually William," Angel said, throwing a glance at Xander. "Aren't you going to introduce me?"  
  
"Right," Xander said, trying hard not to grumble. "This is Angel." He couldn't hide the grumble when uttering Angel's name.   
  
Renee frowned at his tone before she shook hands with Angel.   
  
Xander pursed his lips, noticing Emilia, the devil girl who made fun of him last year –jokes about his whore of a mother never seemed to get old around these people.  
  
He heard someone clearing their throat, and blinked confused eyes at Renee. She gave him a look and nodded with her head at Spike and Angel. Xander looked at them, but didn't understand what she wanted. Angel's smug smile got on his nerves though.  
  
"I'm Rupert Giles' son," Spike said to Renee, raising an eyebrow at Xander.   
  
Oh, Renee wanted information on Spike and Angel. Introduction wasn't just about giving names.   
  
"So you're like Xander's brother?" Renee asked.  
  
"No!" Xander and Spike chimed together. Angel chuckled quietly.  
  
"Um, Renee, remember when I told you that Giles isn't really my dad?" Xander said, noting how Spike was blushing fiercely.   
  
"Oh, right. He's your legal guardian."   
  
"Yep. And Spike isn't my brother, he's…"  
  
"Just a friend," Spike interrupted, not meeting Xander's eyes.   
  
Xander stared at him, his stomach knotting painfully. "Yeah, just a friend," he repeated with a whisper.   
  
"And Angel?"  
  
Xander sighed, looking away from Spike. "What about Angel?"  
  
"I'm  _Spike's_  boyfriend," Angel answered for him before looking at Spike. "God, I hate this name."  
  
Spike smirked. "I know you do."  
  
Renee's jaw dropped, not in shock, more like gleeful delight. "Ooooh, you make the hottest couple." She almost squealed.   
  
Xander scoffed. "Hottest couple my ass," he muttered under his breath.   
  
Renee looked at him, bewildered. "What did you say?"  
  
Xander shook his head. "Nothing important." He was glad to see Emilia walking close by. "Lookie here, it's Emilia." He waved. "Hi, Emilia."  
  
Emilia stopped next to Renee and muttered, "His mum is a slag." Then she strolled past them. Renee blinked in confusion.   
  
"Great speaking to you as usual," Xander yelled after her and then grinned at Renee.   
  
Renee looked at him closely. "I'm sensing that you're not so popular here."  
  
"Ya think?" he spat out.   
  
Spike shared an uncomfortable glance with Angel before he managed a weak smile at Xander. "I think we have to go. Mix and mingle."  
  
"Yeah, better not waste the opportunity to show off your hunk of a boyfriend," Xander said bitterly. "Sure they'll be over the moon."   
  
Spike shook his head in displeasure and left, Angel trailing behind him, casting Xander unreadable looks. Xander clenched his eyes closed, his heart twisting painfully.   
  
"I'm guessing you don't like this Angel guy much."  
  
Xander looked at Renee's disapproving eyes, feeling gutted to the core. Things weren't supposed to go this way.   
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
The ceremony was about to start, and Spike couldn't find a place to sit. He watched his relatives practically running to their seats, leaving no room for anyone. Angel pointed at an empty spot in the first row, but Spike shook his head. That was reserved for the bride's parents and siblings. Suddenly, he spotted Xander waving to get his attention. "Spike, I saved you a seat."  
  
Spike released a sigh of relief and walked to Xander's row. He took a startled step backward when Angel walked past him to sit next to Xander. If looks could kill, the look Xander shot Angel would've made him combust to flames. Spike wasn't really in the mood for that bollocks.   
  
He smiled when Cousin Janet started walking down the aisle, looking quite fetching in her white dress. He remembered when they were children; how she beat him up for wrecking her dollhouse. He bought her three lollipops and a cotton candy just so she wouldn't tell anyone that she made him cry. The sneaky little monster demanded a new, bigger dollhouse for her birthday or she'd tell. Spike had relented to her demands grudgingly.   
  
"I know what you're doing." Spike heard Xander hissing to Angel. He looked at them; Xander was glaring daggers at Angel, who appeared more interested in the vows.   
  
"Not the time, Xander," Angel whispered, eyes on the bride and groom.  
  
"Oh, don't pretend to be…"  
  
"Xander," Spike warned him heatedly. He was taken aback by the flash of hurt that was immediately covered with anger in Xander's eyes.   
  
"Would you guys be quiet?" Renee ordered in irritation.   
  
Xander smacked his hands on his thighs. "I'm going to the bathroom," he announced irately. "Move away," he snapped at Renee, who did as told, looking baffled by his vulgar behavior.   
  
"I'm sorry, Renee," Spike said softly once Xander was away.   
  
Rene's wide eyes met his. "I… I don't understand."  
  
"I'll talk to him." He shared a brief glance with Angel, who smiled and squeezed his thigh reassuringly. With a sigh, Spike followed Xander to the bathroom.  
  
He found him clutching the basin, his arms quivering violently. Spike leaned against the wall, arms crossed. "Would you like to tell me what's your bloody problem?" he said in a stern voice.   
  
Xander released a bitter laugh. "Yes, Spike, pretend like you don't know."  
  
Spike sighed again, closing his eyes. He knew. He really did. The whole thing was wearing him down; he didn't know what to do to make it all better. "Xander, I know it's hard…"  
  
"Hard?" Xander snapped. Spike opened his eyes and flinched at the hurt in Xander's eyes. "How about suffocating? Torturing? Spike, seeing you with him is  _killing_  me."  
  
Spike felt a pang of guilt, hating the pain in Xander's eyes. He wasn't sure what he should do about it though? It was a complicated situation and no matter what he did, it'd still hurt Xander. "I know," he said sincerely. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Oh, you're so sorry," Xander sneered.   
  
Spike frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Spike, you tossed me aside like old socks the second he came back. You acted like a jerk. It's like you didn't give a fuck about…"   
  
"I came to you," Spike interrupted angrily. "I talked to you before I went to him."  
  
"Yes, one lousy small talk and then you were all over him. You think that was enough after we…" he trailed off, his troubled gaze fell away from Spike's face. Spike had a strong urge to hug him, to make all the hurt go away, but knew that showing sympathy would only make it worse.   
  
"I know I handled it wrong." He tried to choose his words carefully. Explain himself without setting Xander off. "What I did was… insensitive and…"  
  
"Assholic," Xander muttered, folding his arms around himself.   
  
"Definitely," Spike agreed quickly. "But, Xander, I'm… I'm trying to…"  
  
"You haven't even called," Xander interrupted, angry eyes fixed on Spike. "Or wanted to hang out, you just shut me out."  
  
"You wouldn't want to see me. I thought I'd wait until…"  
  
"Until what? Until I get used to the idea? And then what? You'll be sucking face in front of me? Rubbing your spectacular relationship in my face?"  
  
"Xander…"  
  
"No, Spike, tell me, how do you want me to behave? Do you want me to join in with the Angel praise? Maybe throw another tea party and smile every time your boyfriend puts me down," Xander said, his voice cracked with rage, and his eyes darkened in fury.  
  
"Maybe we could discuss this maturely," Spike said, unable to mast the biting anger in his voice.   
  
"Oh, I am being mature. If I wasn't, you would've heard more well-deserved foul language, you mother fucking asshole."   
  
Spike's jaw was cast in iron, listening to Xander's shit impatiently. "Now I know I made the right choice."  
  
Xander shook all over, his eyes black with anger. "You surely did, Spike. I wish you two a life of happiness. In hell!" Xander dashed out on the bathroom and bumped into Uncle Arthur on his way. He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes, roaring in frustration before he stormed off.   
  
Uncle Arthur shook his head, looking at Spike. "I don't see what your father sees in him."  
  
Spike stared at the closed door, trying to fight back the nausea welling up persistently inside him.  
  
The door burst open all of a sudden, and Angel appeared instantly. "Just saw Xander run off in anger. Is everything all right?"  
  
Spike didn't answer, the whole thing left an awful taste in his mouth.   
  
Angel's hand held his shoulder and squeezed. "I guess it didn't go well?" he said softly.  
  
Spike shook his head.   
  
Angel pulled him into a warm embrace, holding him tight, and somehow that made him feel a little better.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander was fuming, his heart roaring with rage. He couldn't look away from the dance floor. Between the mass of dancing men and women were Spike and Angel, square dancing their way through the crowd. Spike's happy laughs were knives stabbing Xander's back. How could he be so openly happy after their big blow up in the bathroom? Was he doing it on purpose just to drive him mad?  
  
God, seeing them together like that hurt, like something pinching his arm so hard. "Ouch!" Xander yelled. God, something  _was_  pinching his arm so hard. Renee's fingers.   
  
He looked at Renee's angry eyes with a scowl on his face.   
  
"You're not listening to a word I'm saying," she screeched.   
  
"Were you talking?" he asked, rubbing his arm where she pinched.   
  
Renee looked like she was about to explode. "I can't take this anymore. You haven't been paying attention to me all day."  
  
"Of course, I have," Xander protested.   
  
"No, you haven't. You do nothing but glare and argue with Spike and his boyfriend."  
  
Before Xander could answer, the band switched into a slow ballad. He caught Angel holding his hand out to Spike, and then their fingers entwined. Their eyes met as they swayed with the music.   
  
"Damn it," Xander spat out, trying to look away but was unable to. Spike smiled up at Angel, who wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him close.   
  
"Oh my God," Renee's shocked gasp reached his ears. Xander looked at her, and she regarded him with wide eyes. "Are… are you… are you attracted to Spike?"   
  
"What?" Xander exclaimed, his heartbeat racing. " _No_ , that would mean I'm gay, which I'm not. I mean, no way in hell. Impossible."  
  
"It all makes sense now," Renee spoke to herself, dismissing his babble fest completely. "Your hostile attitude to Angel, and the way you're looking at Spike all day. You used me to make Spike jealous."   
  
"What? No!"  
  
Renee's shocked features became furious. "You son of a bitch." She slapped him hard before grabbing her purse and storming out.  
  
"What?" Xander cupped his stinging cheek in confusion. "Renee, come back!" He was on his feet in an instant, rushing after her. She disappeared between the dancing couples, and Xander had to push his way through the swaying bodies.   
  
"… on your mind," Angel's voice suddenly drifted to his ears.  
  
Xander stopped dead on his tracks. He looked around and found Angel and Spike a couple of steps away from him. Spike's hands were locked behind Angel's neck, and he was looking right into Angel's eyes.  
  
"Yeah," Spike whispered.   
  
Xander's heart almost stopped beating. Spike looked so contented, so happy, like it was all perfect.  
  
A soft smile played on Spike's lips. "I love you."  
  
Xander felt the floor crumbling beneath his feet. He took a step backwards, feeling all the blood rush from his head and into his shoes. In sheer disbelief, he watched   
Angel and Spike lost in a passionate kiss. He was losing his ability to breathe. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out, nothing came out. He couldn't breathe. God, he needed to get away.  
  
So, he ran out of the dance floor, his vision blank, and hearing nothing but Spike's words being repeated in his head over and over. He smacked against a solid chest and fell down on the floor.   
  
"Oh, Xander, are you all right?" He felt Giles' hand helping him back up on his feet. "Xander?"  
  
Xander's eyes were glued to the floor, feeling an appalling ripping hurt tearing through him and something stung in his eyes.  
  
Giles' warm fingers held his chin up, and he met Giles' concerned eyes. "Xander, what's the matter?"  
  
His vision became blurry with tears. "N-nothing."  
  
"Where's Renee?"  
  
Xander looked away. "She left."  
  
"Oh."   
  
Xander felt himself being pulled into a side hug, and he rested his head against Giles' shoulder, willing himself to be comforted. And trying his hardest to block Spike's words from his mind.   
  
  


~*~*~*~


	21. Chapter 21

 

 

  
  
Spike stopped his car in front of the house, turning his head to look at Xander's window warily. He'd come over a couple of times before to talk to Xander, but Xander would conveniently be out of the house. Xander didn't want to talk to him. Message received. But Spike wouldn't have his relationship with Xander be wrecked too soon after it had been mended. He was going to try again, and he would be patient about it, he couldn't lose Xander's friendship.   
  
Spike tried as hard as he could not to make a sound when he used his key to open the front door. He was on the verge of paranoia, thinking that just the slightest hint of a sound would send Xander flying out of the house without Spike noticing.   
  
As he walked in, he heard the sound of TV blaring from the living room. He tiptoed his way toward the stairs, trying to reach Xander's room as quiet as a mouse.   
  
"William?"  
  
Bollocks.  
  
Spike turned his head slowly to the living room's direction. His father was standing by the door with a newspaper tucked under his arm, eying him up and down.  
  
Spike looked down at himself, not doubting that he looked like a thief sneaking into the house. With an uncomfortable laugh, he ran his hand over his gelled hair. "I came to see Xander."  
  
Rupert's eyebrows met in confusion. "You didn't call."   
  
Spike nodded awkwardly. "I know, I was just…"  
  
"Xander isn't here," Rupert cut him off urgently.   
  
Spike's eyes widened to the popping point. "What?" he exclaimed angrily. "How does he do it?"  
  
Rupert frowned. "Do what?"  
  
Spike bit his lip. "Never mind. Where is he then?"  
  
"Sleepover at Jesse's."  
  
Spike gaped, hands planted on his hips. "Sleepover on a school night?" He shook his head, expecting better from Rupert.   
  
Rupert raised an eyebrow. "Today is Saturday."  
  
Spike went back to biting his lip, and then scratched his temple. "Oh."  
  
Rupert looked at him suspiciously, taking a few steps ahead. "What's the matter?"  
  
Spike shook his head. "Nothing." At Rupert's look, he lowered his head helplessly. "We just… fought."  
  
"About what?"  
  
"It's, uh, silly. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it."  
  
"William," Rupert's voice held a bit of a warning that forced Spike to look up, meeting his father's stern gaze. "I've noticed things aren't going well for some time now."  
  
"Oh, you've noticed," Spike said, twitching nervously.   
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I've noticed it since Angel came back to your life."  
  
Spike's heart dropped. "Huh, what? No, it's not related to Angel at all."  
  
"William." Now Rupert's gaze softened, and he regarded him with understanding. "I know you two are trying to make up for lost time, but… Xander considers you a close friend." Rupert placed a hand on Spike's shoulder and squeezed gently. "Try to spend more time with him like you used to do before."  
  
Spike glanced at his father's hand tentatively and then nodded.   
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike hit his head against the wheel several times until it honked. He sat back immediately, frantically looking at the front door. Luckily, Rupert didn't come out. He slid down his seat into a lazy position and looked at himself in the car mirror. He appeared worn-out, lifeless and there were dark circles under his eyes. Last night he couldn't sleep, awful ripping guilt kept him up all night. Actually, he hadn't been able to sleep for days, lost in anguish thoughts, blaming himself for everything that went wrong.   
  
He released a weary sigh, squeezing his eyes shut.  _God, Xander, don't do this to me._ He knew Xander was hurting, he knew Xander's self-indulgent attitude was him acting out. Spike had screwed up, and he kept screwing up. It seemed that whatever he did, Xander ended up more hurt. But he didn't know what to do to make it better, he wanted things to stop being weird and hurtful. He wanted everybody to be happy. He especially wanted Xander to be happy.   
  
He felt his mobile vibrating in his pocket, and his ringtone started to play. Spike stuffed his hand idly in his pocket bringing out the mobile, and then checked the name. Embarrassment washed over him when he read Tara's name on the screen. He couldn't remember the last time they'd talked.   
  
Licking his lips, he brought the phone to his ear. "Hello, Tara," he said, a bit too cheerful.   
  
"Hey there," she sounded cheerful herself, but her voice was more natural. "Haven't heard from you in days."  
  
Spike winced. "Sorry about that. A lot is going on at the moment."  
  
"Really? Like what?"  
  
A lopsided smile crept to his lips. "Like I got me a boyfriend."  
  
"Really?" He grinned at her happy squeal. "How is he like?"  
  
"How about you tell me instead?"   
  
"You're gonna introduce me to him?"  
  
"At a fancy restaurant," Spike said, pulling himself up to sit straight. "My way of apologizing for neglecting a dear friend."  
  
"Apology accepted." He could picture her with a sunny smile on her face, and he felt warmth inside. Tara knew how to lift his spirits up when he was down.   
  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Tara smiled again at the waiter, pretending to nod her head to the non-existing beat of a very slow ballad. The waiter poured her more water and left without returning her smile. She looked at her watch again in annoyance, Spike was fifteen minutes late. Had she gotten the name of the restaurant wrong? She hadn't been to a lot of fancy restaurants. She could only remember Oz taking her to Chilies three times, if one would call it fancy. With their food prices, she considered it one.   
  
Oh, finally Spike and his boyfriend arrived. Tara jumped to her feet, grinning joyfully at Spike. Her gaze went to check his boyfriend out.  _Wow, tall, dark and handsome. Spike doesn't play around._    
  
"Sorry, we're late, Tara," Spike said bashfully, giving her a peck on the cheek.   
  
She shook her head politely. "It's all right."  
  
Spike took a step back to introduce her to his boyfriend. "Tara, this is Angel. Angel, this is my friend Tara. I've known her since high school."   
  
Angel's lips curled into the most charming smile she'd ever seen. His big hand enveloped hers, shaking it gently. It felt hard, yet oddly tender. Tara released her hand right away, giving an awkward smile. Being single for too long wasn't doing her any good. She needed to find a man instead of crushing on Spike's boyfriend.   
  
Angel pulled a new chair for her. She blinked at it, glancing at her old chair, but eventually she sat on the one Angel prepared for her. The butterflies in her stomach fluttered pointlessly; this was a gay man. A taken gay man. Get a grip, Tara.   
  
"So, how's work?" Spike asked with a smile.  
  
"Spent every hour of yesterday grading math papers. So, work is boring."   
  
Spike nodded. There was something off about him, but Tara couldn't tell what.  
  
"You teach math?" Angel asked.  
  
Tara gave a shy nod.  
  
"I suppose the children give you a hard time."  
  
"Not all of them, but most of them. Yeah." Tara grinned. "I've stopped eleven students from sneaking out this month."  
  
"I've noticed more than twenty," Angel said with a chuckle. "But stopped no one, they're adults, they know better."   
  
Tara's eyes sparkled. "You're a teacher?"  
  
"College professor. I was William's poetry professor when he was in university."  
  
"Wow, that's how you two met?" Tara asked Angel, turning enthusiastically to Spike.   
  
Spike was playing with his fork, wearing a grim face. He obviously hadn't heard a word they said.   
  
Tara's excitement melted into concern, noticing Angel's hand moving across the table to hold Spike's. Spike startled, looking at Angel who gave him a warm smile. Spike smiled, even though it didn't reach his eyes. He looked back at her. "Sorry about that."  
  
"I was telling Tara how we met," Angel said, his hand squeezing Spike's.  
  
"Ah, not the happiest story," Spike replied.  
  
"But it's got a happy ending," Tara said, pointing at their joined hands.  
  
"Yeah," Spike whispered halfheartedly.  
  
This time when the waiter arrived with their menus, Tara flashed a smile at him, and he returned it. She opened her menu to the main courses. Her smile vanished when her eyes caught the pricey prices.   
  
She glanced warily at Spike. He'd insisted on paying, but she couldn't order something expensive. She checked the appetizers section, but hung her head in disappointment, even those were pricey.  
  
"Tara." She lowered her menu and found Spike smiling. "I've got cash. You don't have to worry about it."  
  
"Who's worried?" she said with a chuckle, setting her menu on the table. "I'm just searching. Can't seem to decide on anything."  
  
"How about I decide for you?" Spike handed her his menu, pointing out a certain dish. "Try the aragosta mousseline."   
  
Tara read under the name: lobster cubes with shrimps and hollandaise sauce with cream sauce. Before she could check the price, Spike pulled the menu back and snatched hers.   
  
She narrowed her eyes at him. He smirked at her. Eventually she relented. "Okay, if you say so."  
  
A tone ring played at that moment, and Angel stood up. "You'll have to excuse me, I need to take this."  
  
"What are you going to have?" Spike asked.   
  
"Same as yours." He winked at Spike, throwing a smile at Tara, and then walked further away from them to a corner.   
  
Tara leaned forward to smile at Spike. "He's a keeper."  
  
"Thank you." Spike smiled back, but it faded away quickly and he was back to the grim face.  
  
"Spike, is something wrong?"  
  
He pretended to be confused. "What do you mean?"  
  
She pointed with her chin at him. "Sad face."  
  
Spike looked away. "It's nothing."  
  
"Sad face doesn't say it's nothing."  
  
Spike stared at her for a while, looking like he was going to deny it. But he set his menu down, his gaze downcast. "It's Xander. We’re not getting along well lately."  
  
Tara nodded. "Is that why he's been slipping in school?"  
  
Spike looked up with a frown. "Slipping?"  
  
"He got an F on his last test."   
  
"Oh." Spike looked quite upset about that, looking down at his plate.  
  
"He's been spacing out in class, not paying attention to the lesson, and not doing his homework." Tara bit slightly on her lip, watching the lines of pain on Spike's face. "That big?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your fight."  
  
Spike heaved a sigh, glancing Angel talking on the phone. "Yeah, it is."  
  
Tara cast Angel a fleeting look before placing a hand on Spike's. "Can you talk to me about it?"  
  
He shook his head. "I'm not sure Xander would like it if I did."  
  
She drew her hand back. "I hope everything works out well."  
  
"I hope so, too."  
  
Angel came back to the table at this point, pulling his chair back and smiling at Spike. "That was my sister. She's going to visit next weekend to meet you."  
  
"Wonderful," Spike said, forcing a smile.  
  
Tara looked back and forth between the two and wondered if their relationship had something to do with Spike's fight with Xander. Angel seemed to know what was bothering Spike, judging from the way he held Spike's hand in support. But Tara couldn't help sensing some tension. Spike wouldn't give her the details, and Tara couldn't help if she didn't know.  
  
She just hoped everything would work out in the end. Angel holding Spike's hand again made her optimistic.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~


	22. Chapter 22

 

 

  
  
  
The sound of the phone ringing reached his ears, and Spike tapped his fingers on the table restlessly.  
  
"Hello?"   
  
Spike bit on his lip, already anticipating the ending to this phone call. "Me again," he answered in a low voice.  
  
The sound of the phone being smacked shut was his answer.   
  
Spike clenched his eyes closed, a muscle in his jaw working.  
  
"Give him time, Will," Angel said while his fingers typed on the keyboard non-stop.  
  
"It's been more than a week," Spike complained. "He's been avoiding me like the plague. I'm feeling right  _knackered_." He smacked the phone against the table in a show of frustration.   
  
"You have to understand how hard it is on the boy. You were just starting something with him, suddenly ended it, and then moved on too fast." Angel's fingers stopped typing at that, and he turned apologetic eyes to Spike. "I know I'm responsible..."  
  
Spike shook his head before Angel could say anything further. "It's not your fault. I didn't handle it well. It's all mine."  
  
They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a while before Angel went back to typing. Spike sank into the couch, looking up at the ceiling. He wondered if he should ask Rupert to talk to Xander, force him to listen to Spike. But involving Rupert in would make the man more suspicious, and Rupert knowing the truth would only anger Xander more.   
  
"Do you want me to cheer you up?"  
  
Spike turned his gaze to Angel, who was grinning like a loony. "How?"  
  
"I just finished editing the fifth chapter of your story."  
  
That did bring a smile on Spike's face. He sat straight, his eyes widening in enthusiasm. "That fast?"  
  
Angel nodded eagerly. "Have you finished writing the sixth?"  
  
"No, it's still footnotes." Spike felt a little amused by the clear disappointment in Angel's face. "Oi, mate, you're taking this more seriously than I am." He leaned back against the couch. "Last Tuesday, we haven't stepped a foot outside the flat until we completed the first three chapters."  
  
Angel pinched his brow. "I think it's a great story."  
  
Spike scoffed. "It's just my life, Angel."  
  
"And your life fascinates me," Angel said meaningfully. Spike's amused expression melted into a touched smile. There was something warm spreading in his chest, and he bashfully looked everywhere but Angel's face.   
  
Angel stood up and handed the laptop to Spike. "I was too busy editing this chapter, I skipped shower."  
  
Spike cast Angel a grateful look. "As a thank you for all your efforts, how about I treat you to lunch?"  
  
"Sounds good. Now you start on chapter six. I won't tolerate any delays." Angel pointed a finger at him for emphasis and then walked to the bathroom.  
  
Spike stared at the laptop screen, the page was filled colors; some for grammar problems others for spelling errors, and the yellow highlight for suggestions and comments. The fact that Angel really cared about his story, putting his heart and soul into editing it, made Spike's heart beat faster. He set the laptop aside, glancing at the direction of the bathroom mischievously before he tiptoed to the bathroom.   
  
He could hear the water running in the shower, and he slipped into the bathroom unheard. His breath caught in his throat at the sight of Angel inside the steamy shower. The rush of water slipping over his broad shoulders to his long back moistening his firm skin, and his muscles glistened under the shower stream as he lathered up his hair. Spike wasn't sure if he'd just enjoy the show or fool around. He decided that after frightening Angel, they could take a shower together, and he'd get to feel those muscular arms stretching under his touch.  
  
With a swift move, Spike opened the shower door and yelled, "'Ello, mate!"  
  
Angel spun around, startled, losing his balance and slipping to the floor.   
  
Spike couldn't help the laugh that escaped his mouth as he turned the water off and reached with his hand to help Angel up.   
  
Angel wiped the shampoo from his eyes and glared at Spike. "What the hell was that?"  
  
Spike smirked. "What're you going to do about it?"  
  
Angel slapped Spike's hand away. "Are you insane?" He got up on his own, frustratingly rubbing his eyes. "I could've broken something. Slipping in the shower is dangerous," he snapped, eying Spike furiously.   
  
Spike didn't expect this reaction. He was completely taken aback by Angel's vehemence. "C'mon, mate…"  
  
"No, William," Angel interrupted him with a snap. "Never do this again. It could've killed me."   
  
The way Angel reacted and the scolding tone he was using struck a nerve in Spike. His lips twisted in displeasure. "Xander would've played along," he muttered. Angel looked stunned by his words, and he went on, "I mean, he'd probably splash me with the showerhead."  
  
Angel's face was etched with tight lines of anger. "Oh, so you're upset I didn't act like a juvenile little boy?" He shook his head, his nose cringed. "I think we're too old for this, William."  
  
Something inside Spike snapped. "No, Angel, you're old," he spat out, not surprised to see Angel's brows rising to his hairlines. Spike pointed an angry finger at Angel's shocked face. "And stop calling me William, it's like I'm speaking to my father." With that said he stormed out of the bathroom and smacked the door shut behind him.   
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike's hands clutched the wheels in a death grip as he drove down the road silently. Angel was just as silent, though he was flipping through a magazine in his hands, as if nothing had happened. Of course he'd think nothing happened. To Angel, what just happened was normal. Straightening Spike was one of his duties, and he wouldn't rest until he molded him to his wishes.  
  
"There's this new restaurant. Fresco Italian restaurant, it's a little far from here…"  
  
"I wanna eat at McDonalds," Spike cut him off curtly.   
  
He felt Angel's shocked eyes on him. "McDonalds?"  
  
Spike focused his attention on the road, refraining from giving an answer.   
  
"You choose junk food over  _real_  food?" Angel sounded indecorous.   
  
"Most kids my age do that," Spike said pointedly. "You forgot? I'm a juvenile little boy."  
  
He heard Angel's heavy sigh. "William, I only said that because I was angry."  
  
Spike pursed his lips; Angel's answer didn't make him feel any better. People blurted out what they really felt when they were angry. Angel still saw him as a child, still liked to guide him and take care of him. Spike used to love that about him before, but Spike wasn't the same eighteen year old fool now. He'd grown more independent during the time they were apart and didn't need an anchor anymore. He was his own man, and Angel should accept him as he was.   
  
And for  _once_ , he'd like to top during sex. He was looking for an equal relationship, and Angel had to know that university days were over, and he was  _not_  the teacher here.   
  
"I know… the age gap can be…"  
  
Spike's nostrils flared, his knuckles turning white as he gripped tightly on the wheel. "Don't. Stop it right there." He glared at Angel, warning him. "Don't even go there."  
  
His ringtone started playing, interrupting their heated discussion. Spike grabbed the mobile, answering without checking who was calling. "Hello."  
  
"Spike, come over to my apartment this second."  
  
He frowned. "Tara?"  
  
" _Now_ , Spike."  
  
Spike felt worry creeping up his spine. "What's going on?"  
  
"Can't tell you over the phone. You have to be here for this."   
  
It was like déjà vu. Something around his chest tightened as he remembered Tara calling him a few weeks ago to tell him about Devon. Her panicked tone as she ordered him to rush over to her flat, that what she was going to tell him was too big to discuss over the phone.   
  
"All right," he said tightly, shutting the mobile.   
  
"What's the matter?" Angel asked, concerned.   
  
"Something's up," Spike answered shortly. He glanced at Angel awkwardly. "Is it okay if…"  
  
"It's all right," Angel said with a smile. He looked at the road. "There's Burger King. I'll have lunch there."  
  
Spike lifted an eyebrow. "At Burger King?"  
  
Angel shrugged. "It's fine."  
  
Spike stared at him for a second before turning his attention back to the road and driving past Burger King. He drove four blocks, and then turned around the corner and stopped at the same restaurant they'd invited Tara to a few days ago.   
  
Spike looked at Angel and gave him a lopsided smile. Angel smiled back his thanks.   
  
"I hope Tara is just exaggerating," Angel said softly.  
  
Spike's smile faded at that, knowing that whatever it was, Tara was  _not_  exaggerating.   
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike stopped dead in the doorway of Tara's flat. His heart stuffing his throat, and appalling thoughts began racing through his head making his skin turn cold. The redheaded person sitting at the table with his face hidden in his hands just looked up at him.   
  
Spike stared at him with dawning dread. He was right. This was big. Something really bad happened.  
  
"Hey, Spike." The small smile couldn't shake the troubled expression out of Oz' face.   
  
"Oz," Spike whispered with a nod.   
  
Tara ushered Spike into the flat, and then pulled a chair out for him. Spike didn't sit, couldn't sit more accurately. His eyes never left Oz. "What's going on?"  
  
Oz heaved a sigh and looked at Tara. She shook her head. "You tell him," she said softly.   
  
Oz looked at Spike again. "I got a phone call yesterday." There was something about his tone, he didn't sound like Oz at all. His strange tone wavered, showing how scared he was.   
  
Spike felt Tara's hands pushing him gently to sit on the chair. He urged Oz to continue with a nod.  
  
Oz swallowed thickly, looking at his hands on the table. "From Parker."  
  
Spike's heart dropped. "Parker?"   
  
Oz lifted his freighted eyes to look at him. "He wants to kill me."  
  
Spike felt his heart stop beating for a second. "What?"  
  
"Parker was the one who killed Devon," Tara muttered in a strained voice.   
  
Spike stared at her in shock before looking at Oz again. "Why would… why?"  
  
"I don't know." Oz shook his head, taking a shaky breath. "He's an angry man."  
  
Spike couldn't stop looking at Oz. Unnecessary questions that should have been necessary popped into his head: where had Oz been all these years? What was he doing with his life? Did he finish college? He didn't change much, filled out a little and looked slightly older. But that didn't matter. What mattered now was Parker becoming a psychopath.   
  
"He scares me, Spike," Oz admitted tightly. "He scared me years ago when I visited him in prison."  
  
Spike remembered vividly his conversation with Tara the first time he saw her after returning from England. She mentioned something about Oz visiting Parker in prison just once, and never visiting him again.   
  
"I have a relative working in the police," Oz went on. "For some reason, Parker assumed he can get him and his father out. He demanded I get them out. The prisoners didn't warm up to his father, and he was making trouble. There were threats to kill him." Oz closed his eyes briefly, and then the haunted blue eyes were looking at Spike again. "He blames me for his father's death."  
  
Spike stared at Oz, who looked at him like he expected a solution. Something to get him out of this mess. Spike rubbed his forehead wearily. "I… I don't know what to say." He frowned at Oz. "He actually threatened to kill you?"  
  
Oz nodded, his gaze went to the table now. Tara stood behind him, running a soothing hand on his back. He looked like he wanted to give her a grateful smile, but couldn't.   
  
"Did you try calling the police?" Spike asked.  
  
Oz bit on his lips. "He said he could see me. If I called the police, he'd have killed me yesterday."  
  
"If he was that close why didn't he just do it?"   
  
Oz' hands went to clutch his head, squeezing it hard. "I don't know."  
  
Spike hated seeing Oz like this; it frightened him to a great extent. This was the laid back boy with the straight expression and toneless voice. Nothing used to faze the bloke. But right now, with all the expressions, frightened voice, and the way he looked like he wanted to piss his pants, Spike was too overwhelmed. "Did he say anything else?"  
  
Oz sighed. "He said a lot of things. I don't know." Oz stopped fledging all of a sudden, and frowned up at Spike. "He also said… one down, two to go."   
  
Spike narrowed his eyes. "Who are the two?"  
  
Oz' lips parted, trembling a little. "Me… and you."  
  
"Me?" Spike exclaimed, shocked.   
  
"He said you three will pay." Oz shrugged. "It's obviously us."  
  
Tara appeared troubled, looking like she was trying to make sense of things. "Why does Parker want to kill his friends?"  
  
"'Cause we kept him in jail," Oz answered.   
  
Spike shook his head in incredulity. "That's crazy. I didn't even get a phone call."  
  
"You'll probably get one. After he kills me."  
  
Tara squeezed Oz' shoulder. "We're not gonna let it happen."  
  
Spike leaned back into his seat and tried to calm his nerves. Parker wanted to kill  _him_? After everything they went through together? Parker becoming a murderer? Spike was beyond shocked, but was more hurt by this revelation. He just couldn't believe it was true, couldn't believe that his once best friend was out to get him. He recalled Devon's picture in the newspaper, eyes wide shocked, chest bloodied. How could Parker do that to them?  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

 


	23. Chapter 23

 

 

 

  
  
Spike stepped into his flat lifelessly, shutting the door behind him with a dull push. He gazed at the floor, still unsure how he managed to come back home from Tara's. All the way home, he thought about nothing but old memories of high school, the band, and his friends. Then he heard his father's words echoing in his mind, warning him, demanding he'd stay away from Parker. That he'd bring him nothing but trouble.   
  
He lifted his gaze to his flat, everything was still, quiet and dark; the only source of light came from the bedroom. Spike numbly walked to the light. The door was ajar, and Spike swallowed before opening it. He found Angel on the bed, his back rested against the headboard with Spike's laptop on his lap.   
  
It took Angel a couple of seconds before he noticed him; the happy smile he cast Spike melted into a look of worry. "William? Are you all right?"   
  
Spike realized he was shaking and squeezed his eyes shut, cursing under his breath. He heard Angel rushing toward him, his hand grabbing Spike's arm. "Are you injured?" he asked in a low tense voice.   
  
Spike yanked his arm from Angel's grip, and a bitter laugh escaped his mouth. "Not yet."  
  
Angel's eyebrows furrowed at that. He said nothing, waiting for Spike to explain.   
  
Spike heaved a deep breath. "Remember when I told you about my band in high school?"   
  
Angel nodded.  
  
Spike smiled bitterly, walking to the nightstand. He started playing with his black pen between his fingers. "Turns out, this mate of mine got himself a gun and he's planning to go psycho on the gang."   
  
He felt Angel grabbing his shoulders. "What?"   
  
Spike didn't shove him off this time, taking comfort in the strong hands gripping his shoulders. "He already killed one of us, and now he's going after another one."  
  
Angel's hands tightened their hold. "And you?"  
  
Spike looked at him over his shoulder and scoffed. "Save the best for last."  
  
Angel turned him around, looking right into his eyes. "William, don't play with me now."   
  
Spike pushed him away in anger. "Think I'm playing around," he snapped. "Who'd fuck around about death?"  
  
Angel's lips trembled as he looked at Spike with wide eyes. "Why?" was all he could manage.   
  
Spike let out his breath in a long sigh. "I'm not sure. Oz thinks it's because we left him to rot in jail. He wants revenge."  
  
Angel shook his head. "That's ridiculous." He moved to stand right in front of Spike, holding his shoulders again and looking into his eyes. "I won't let him near you, Will. We're going to inform the police, get someone on the case."  
  
Spike looked into the determined brown eyes, feeling something warm melting the icy fear inside him. He was beginning to breathe easier, and his shoulders slumped. He fought the urge to rest his head on Angel's shoulder, resisted the need to feel protected and safe. He didn't want Angel to sense how scared he was, didn't want him to think that Spike was still the frightened eighteen year old boy who needed someone to take care of him.   
  
His gaze caught the abandoned laptop on bed. "What were you doing?"   
  
"Does it matter now?"  
  
Spike's breath came in shudders. "Yes," he hissed desperately.   
  
Angel wasn't an idiot. He always read him well, and it showed in his eyes; he knew that Spike was trying to hide his fear because he needed Angel to treat him like a man. Angel removed his hands from Spike's shoulders, sat on the bed and reached for the laptop. "I was working on chapter six."  
  
Spike was pleasantly surprised to hear that. "I didn't write it yet," he said, surprise evident in his voice.   
  
"I know. I was mostly writing notes and such in case you forget something." Angel gave a charming smile. "This is the chapter where we meet."  
  
Spike stared at him, feeling stunned and ashamed at himself for how he acted this morning. The whole shower episode was too dense Angel had every right to be mad. And Spike had the nerve to stomp his foot and act like a juvenile little boy. This was the man who came back to him after years of being apart, chose him over more suitable and mature partners, fell in  _love_  with him.   
  
He loved him so much he cared deeply about everything Spike cared about: his articles, his novel, his ambitions. He fit in well with Spike's family, made a good impression on Tara, and Rupert gave them his blessing. What more did Spike want? This man was perfect.   
  
"I want you," Spike said hoarsely, feeling desire beginning to course through his body.   
  
Angel looked at him in amazement. "Now?"   
  
Spike took the laptop from Angel's hands and put it on the nightstand. He shoved Angel to bed and climbed on top of him, looking directly at Angel's astonished eyes. "This time, we're gonna do it differently." He smacked his lips on Angel's, working his way into Angel's mouth. Spike sucked on Angel's tongue, enjoying the groan building deep in Angel's throat. His heart pounded rapidly when Angel submissively let him do anything he wanted.   
  
He broke the kiss, panting hard as he looked down at Angel's flushed face. "I'm the one in charge," he said it through gasps.   
  
Angel gave a sexy smile, his brown eyes glistening with lust.   
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike grinned madly, typing on the keyboard so fast he didn't pay attention to spelling or grammar. Who knew great sex fed the muse well? He's never been this inspired before, and if he kept going like this, he'd probably finish chapter six before Angel came back.   
  
He'd had to push his reluctant boyfriend out of the flat so that he wouldn't miss his interview at UC Sunnydale. Angel's worry and fear for him warmed and annoyed him at the same time. He didn't need a body guard. He could protect himself from Parker and the likes of him.   
  
Yesterday, Spike wasn't sure if he'd be able to sleep, but two rounds of sex in which Spike had all control did the trick. There was something about being in control that made him free as well as the fact that he could bring pleasure and joy to the one he loved without the strains of guilt and apprehension. With Xander, he'd discovered that side of him, but he couldn't enjoy it as much as he wanted to with guilt ripping at his chest. It was different with Angel. They were right. They were perfect. This was the first time in his life that Spike felt completely contented.   
  
His mobile vibrated, and Spike considered dismissing it and focusing on writing before he lost the muse. Glancing at the mobile, he saw Tara's name. His fingers instinctively stopped moving, and he stared at the mobile a few seconds before he cautiously reached for it.   
  
"Tara?"  
  
"Spike, I figured it out," she exclaimed on the phone.   
  
His eyebrows drew together. "What?"  
  
"The three, Spike. You're not one of them."  
  
Spike blinked in disbelief. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes. Parker has no reason to blame you. You were in England."  
  
"Parker doesn’t know that."  
  
"Yes, he does. Oz and I spent last night trying to remember everything that he and Parker talked about during that visit. And Oz had mentioned it to Parker that you were out of the country."  
  
Spike swallowed, unsure if he should be relieved he was off the hook. "So what you're saying is…"  
  
"I think we had it right. He wants to avenge his father. He killed Devon because he put them in jail. He wants to kill Oz because he refused to get them out."  
  
For some reason Spike wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer to this question. "And who's the third person?"  
  
"The one who could've bailed them out when he bailed  _you_  out." She paused for a second. "Your dad."  
  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Hello?" Xander's voice rose from the other line.  
  
"Xander, where's Rupert?" Spike exclaimed frantically.  
  
"Oh, it's yo…"  
  
"Don't you even  _think_  about hanging up, wanker," Spike snapped, the phone shaking in his grip. "It's a life or death situation."  
  
"Really?" Xander's bored voice set Spike's teeth on edge. His heartbeat increased rapidly at the thought of Xander slamming the phone down.   
  
"Xander, you remember Parker?"   
  
"Who?" The twat was needling him. Spike had no time for this.   
  
"The lead guitarist in my band in high school, git. He's gone insane and killed Devon."   
  
"What the hell are you talking about?"   
  
"Xander…" Spike's voice broke off, and his lips quivered. "He wants to kill  _Dad_."   
  
There was silence for a moment, and then Xander whispered, "Dad?"  
  
"Is he home, Xander? Tell me he's home," Spike said desperately.   
  
"No, he… he said he was meeting someone at a restaurant."  
  
Spike went cold. "That's Parker. Xander, what restaurant?"  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
Xander drove around the cars ahead of him so recklessly he almost crashed into them. Crazy thoughts raced through his head, and he tried desperately to block the gruesome images flooding his mind. His heart pounded hard against his chest, and one of his legs couldn't stop bouncing. Spike's words were just sinking in, and a fresh wave of fear swept over him. He'd already lost his dad; he couldn't bear losing his guardian, too. Tears started forming in his wide eyes as he drove at a fast speed that he crossed the red light.   
  
He parked his car a block from the restaurant in case the parking lot in front of the restaurant was jammed with cars. He smacked the car door shut behind him and ran so fast that everything around him melted in one whirling blur.   
  
He slowed down when he caught Spike getting out of a cab and throwing his money at the driver, yelling that he could keep the change.   
  
Xander waved. "Spike!" He scurried toward him, gasping hard from his frantic run. "Why didn't you take your car?"  
  
"It's with Angel," Spike answered quickly, looking up at the restaurant before rushing inside. Xander was right behind him.   
  
They ran past the waiters, who called after them, and some tried to stop them. Xander looked around the tables. The restaurant wasn't very crowded; he spotted Giles easily sitting at a table next to a window. He grabbed Spike's arm and pointed at Giles.   
  
"Dad!" both of them yelled, hurrying to their father.   
  
Giles blinked up at them. "Boys?"  
  
The person sitting with their father was actually a woman. She was giving them her back, and all Xander could make out was that she was black and she was wearing a nice dress. She turned around, and Xander's heart almost stopped. "Renee's mom?"  
  
"Oh, hello, Xander," she said with a piercing smile. "Haven't seen you since the night you broke my daughter's heart."  
  
Xander gave a half-hearted smile and a small wave. "Hi Mrs. Smith."  
  
Spike looked between them in confusion. "Rupert, what is this?"  
  
"Oh, I… I was meaning to tell you." Giles cleared his throat in embarrassment. "The day after Janet's wedding, Olivia called to talk about Xander's ill treatment of her daughter." He shot Xander a glare, and Xander ducked his head, ashamed.   
  
"Olivia?" Spike repeated, looking surprised to hear Giles using her first name so casually. "You mean you two have been…"  
  
"Dating ever since," Mrs. Smith finished for him.   
  
Xander forced a laugh out of his mouth. "That's swell," he said too cheerfully. "We're gonna leave you two to enjoy your date. C'mon, Spike." He grabbed Spike's arm and dragged him after him, throwing smiles at the angry waiters. Great. Now Giles was dating the mother of his pissed off one-day-date, which meant he'd be forced to sit in a room with Renee in the future. More than once.   
  
"Wait, boys, what's the matter?" Giles called after them.   
  
Xander looked at Spike, who smiled at Giles. "It can wait, Rupert. Enjoy your lunch."  
  
Xander released a tired sigh as he and Spike stood outside the restaurant. "So, it's not Parker."  
  
"Not yet," Spike said, tensely running a hand through his hair.   
  
This whole idea was crazy. Someone out there wanted to  _kill_  Giles. That didn't make sense. He hadn't even asked Spike about the reasons behind this. The second he heard that Parker wanted to kill Giles, he ran out of the house without even…  
  
"Shit!" Xander smacked his palm on his forehead. "I left the front door open. God, I was too scared…"  
  
"It's all right," Spike interrupted him gently. "I'll go with you."   
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
Xander glanced at Spike next to him several times, feeling his heart ache and his face getting warmer. They hadn't been alone since their blow up in the bathroom at Janet's wedding. He couldn't control the emotions erupting from within him, couldn't stop glancing at Spike. At times he wasn't sure if he was driving in the right direction. Having Spike sitting next to him, alone in the car, it brought back old, pleasant memories.   
  
They hadn't spoken a word since they left the restaurant, and Xander didn't mind. This way he could pretend that they were still together. That Angel didn't come back, that Parker was a forgotten memory, and that no one wanted to have Giles killed. Just him and Spike, going somewhere nice, or kissing in their back yard after another water-fight.  
  
Xander's heart tightened when they reached the house. He didn't want this to end. Even if it was just pretence. His disappointment dissolved into confusion when he noticed the front door closed. He stopped the car right in front of the house and stared harder at the door.   
  
"You said you left it open," Spike said.  
  
"I did. I remember I did." He kept staring at the door as if it would give him answers and then turned to Spike. "Maybe it's the wind?"  
  
"Maybe," Spike said pensively. "C'mon, let's go inside. I'm thirsty." He patted Xander on the shoulder before going out.  
  
Xander touched his shoulder where Spike patted him and then cursed under his breath. Man, he was acting like such a chick.   
  
He walked into the house with a sigh. He needed to get a grip; Spike was another man's man and he was happy. Xander should focus on moving on; he'd promised Willow and Jesse that. As he closed the front door behind him, Spike came out of the kitchen with a glass of water. Xander blinked at it. "You're staying?" He bit his lip at how hopeful he sounded.  
  
Spike looked at him, and then a small smile formed on his lips. "Why not?"  
  
Xander grinned in spite of him and trotted two steps toward the living room before stopping himself, horrified at what he just did. Spike tried to stifle his laugh, looking away from Xander as he continued his way to the living room. Xander felt his face burning with embarrassment and followed Spike while glaring at his feet.   
  
"What do you wanna watch?" he blurted out, still feeling awkward.   
  
Spike made himself comfortable on the couch before his expression changed into displeasure. "Oh, I missed  _Mad Men_."  
  
Xander's eyes widened and his lips broke into a smile. "You're watching  _Mad Men_?"  
  
Spike grinned back at him. "Yeah, they're showing season two now, but I missed today's episode."  
  
Xander felt excitement surging through him. "Let me just ask Jesse about the repeat." He jumped next to Spike on the couch and turned to the phone, he noticed two new messages in the answering machine. "We've got messages," he announced, pressing on the button.   
  
"Hi, Mr. Giles, is William with you?" Angel's voice rang in Xander's ears like the school bells. He couldn't help but grimace. "He's not home and he forgot to take his mobile. I assume he's at your house. Call me when you hear the message. I'm coming over immediately."   
  
Xander pursed his lips. "Well, guess we solved the mystery of the front door."   
  
Spike frowned. "But he's not here."  
  
"Doesn't need a genius, Spike. He didn't find anyone and left." Xander looked at the answering machine as the second message started.   
  
"Mr. Giles, I'm sure you've forgotten all about me, you son of a bitch," an unfamiliar voice blurted out from the machine. Xander glanced at Spike, noting his stricken expression, the speaker was definitely Parker. "I have your son, and I'm planning on running out of the county with him. If you wanna negotiate, meet me behind Willy's bar."   
  
Xander's heart thudded with fear. "He's setting a trap for dad."  
  
Spike cursed in frustration, looking at Xander with horror written all over his face. "Angel must have heard this message."  
  
Xander placed a comforting hand on Spike's thigh. "You don't know that."  
  
Spike was on his feet in an instant. "Let's go."  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
The second Xander pulled over on the sidewalk, Spike jumped out of the car and raced full speed to the back of the bar. He ran so fast he could hardly stop until he reached the place. And saw him.   
  
A dirty, stray cat meowed loudly and scampered off.   
  
Spike stood still for a long moment, trying to wake up. He'd always managed to wake himself from a horrifying nightmare, why couldn't he do it now?   
  
He felt numb to the world. No, he felt nothing, nothing at all, except for Xander's hand that reached to hold his. Squeezing his hand tightly.   
  
Right there, next to one of the filthiest dumpsters, was Angel's body spread on the ground, a pool of blood under his head.   
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~


	24. Chapter 24

 

 

  
  
  
  
  
Xander remembered his childhood fear of hospitals, which was mostly a typical fear of shots. It usually took three nurses and his father to hold him down for the doctor to finish the job. Xander wasn't surprised to find that he still hated hospitals. The reminder of human mortality as diseases and death surrounded him from every corner. A shudder passed through him, and his arms unconsciously folded around him, even though they weren't here for him.   
  
He swallowed thickly, standing awkwardly behind Giles as he listened to his conversation with the policemen. Giles went on describing Parker thoroughly, not leaving out a single detail. Xander could hear spite in his voice, restrained anger and hate. His gaze dropped to Giles' hand that was clenched tightly around his cell phone. Xander bet Giles hadn't let go of his cell phone since their last phone call.   
  
He turned slightly to cast a fleeting look at Spike behind him. He was sitting on a chair, his head hidden in his hands, rocking from side to side. Just looking at him made Xander's heart twirl. He'd never wanted to see Spike broken like that.   
  
Xander didn't want to dwell on his conflicted emotions. Death scared him. Dead Angel scared him more, because he'd had all these scenarios in his head before –about how to get rid of Angel. Some of them had been vicious, inhuman, and a few did include death. Now that Angel was really dead, there was a strong urge inside of Xander to break down and cry. Somehow, deep in his brain, he felt like he was the murderer, that he wished it on Angel, and that the skies heard his plea and sent Parker to put a bullet in the guy's head.   
  
A warm hand touched his shoulder, startling Xander. He turned around and met Giles' unhappy eyes. "Why don't you talk to him?" he said softly.  
  
Xander glanced at Spike before returning his gaze to Giles.  
  
"He needs us now," Giles said, eying Spike with concern.  
  
Xander gave a shaky nod and dragged his feet with an effort, barely moving an inch away from Giles. There was nothing he dreaded more than talking to Spike right now. He knew he was going to screw up, say or do something stupid and hurt Spike even more.   
  
He stood right in front of Spike's shaking body, scratching the back of his neck. He had no idea how to make Spike feel better. All he could think of was saying, "There, there" with a pat on the shoulder, but that was too insensitive and dumb.  
  
He sat next to Spike awkwardly and shot him a few glances, his hands shifting back and forth on his lap. "Spike?" he whispered unsurely.   
  
Spike still rocked on his seat and gave no indication of hearing him.   
  
"I know it hurts," Xander said in a very low voice, afraid that if he spoke louder he'd cause Spike to crack. "When… when I lost Dad…"   
  
Spike let out a loud whimper, and Xander's lips smacked shut automatically. He looked away with a pang in his heart. He'd always been sensitive about mentioning his dad to Spike, maybe because Spike never showed him compassion or gave him any comfort regarding the loss of his dad before. Spike had always mocked him for grieving and called him names. Sure, Xander knew that was the old Spike, but still, he couldn't shake that insecure feeling that if he talked about his dad, Spike would scoff or maybe laugh at him. The feeling was so strong and painful, and Xander really didn't want to be called a crybaby again.   
  
"How did it happen, Xander?" Spike's voice was muffled by his hands.   
  
Xander reached out a hand to pat Spike's shoulder, but pulled it back quickly when Spike whirled to look at him. Xander was taken aback by the anguish flaring in Spike's eyes, the tears rolling down his cheeks. He'd never seen Spike cry, not even on the way to the hospital, when Spike was mostly numb with shock.   
  
"It's unfair," Spike said in a voice rough with pain. "We just… we just got here, you know." Spike's gaze was lost in the hallway, and his voice came out distant, "We've been apart for years, and… he's finally here. He's just got here. Two weeks ago."  
  
"Three," Xander coughed the correction.   
  
"And I lost him." Spike's lips quivered slightly, his gaze still staring blankly away. "He left once, but he came back. This time…" he trailed off, clenching his eyes shut, allowing more tears to slide down his cheeks.   
  
Xander felt something heavy weighing on him. "Spike…"  
  
"He went there for me, Xander." Spike opened his eyes and looked right into Xander's. "He heard the message and went risking his life and got himself killed." Xander could see anger simmering in Spike's eyes, his fists shaking on his thighs. "For me," he spit it out, his nose wrinkling as though he caught a whiff of some stench. He was shaking so hard, glaring at the floor, his fingers almost tearing his jeans.   
  
Xander stared at him knowingly. This time he let his hand cup Spike's shaking fist, willing it to stop moving. Spike looked at his hand before looking up at him. Xander forced a small smile on his lips. "He loved you," he said softly. "That's a good thing."   
  
Spike opened his mouth to say something but a sob got caught in his throat. He bit on his lower lip, trying hard to keep himself in control. Xander pulled him into his arms, and Spike couldn't keep the sobs in any longer. A cry escaped Spike's mouth, and he rocked violently in Xander's arms.   
  
Xander held him tight, reflexively planting comforting kisses on Spike's temple. "It hurts so bad, doesn't it?" he said tightly, the old pain twisting his chest, and pleasant images tore his heart to pieces: his father's proud smile, his father's laugh, his father's warm stare. Old memories he thought were behind him came rushing back, choking him, and making him pull Spike closer.  
  
"Rips your heart," Xander choked out. Something hurt in his chest, and he felt as though he would burst. It all came back: the pain, the anger, the guilt, the longing. "You're thinking that you're gonna be lost forever," he said hoarsely, feeling the old emotions of loneliness and fear. He could see himself vividly: twelve years old in a strange, new room with a bruise on his face and one of his memories with his father shattered on the floor.   
  
He wiped Spike's tears with his cheek, drawing back a little, now looking right into Spike's tearful blue eyes. "That no one will ever…"   
  
His lips brushed against Spike's wet cheek, slowly moving to his trembling lips. "…love…" he whispered, closing his eyes and sucking softly on Spike's lips. Spike's hands stiffened in his arms for a moment, but that didn't stop Xander. He let his tongue slip into Spike's open mouth, running it along the edge of his teeth.  
  
His heart leapt with joy when Spike started kissing back, his tongue running along Xander's bottom lip briefly and then going into his mouth. He pressed his tongue against Xander's before pushing it aside and beginning to invade Xander's mouth. Xander inhaled deeply, losing himself in the kiss, his hands trailing down Spike's back, and then pulling him closer.   
  
Suddenly, Spike's hands were on Xander's chest, pushing him away. Xander found himself falling to the floor, his elbow hitting the floor painfully.  
  
Dazed and confused, Xander looked up at Spike's wide eyes that stared at him with shock and anger. "What are you…?" He wiped his lips furiously. "Is this some bloody joke?"  
  
Xander blinked. "No, Spike, I…"   
  
Spike's nose crinkled in disgust. "His body's not even cold and you're making a move?"  
  
Xander shook his head fiercely. "No, that wasn't…"  
  
"Don't," Spike's tone was cold, freezing Xander in place. He regarded him coolly. "Sod off. Now."  
  
Xander stared back at Spike, feeling his insides shattering. Nothing hurt more than Spike looking at him like that. He bit his lip, pulling himself up to his feet with difficulty. He pried his gaze away from Spike, leaving with his head hung low.   
  
He knew it.  
  
He'd screwed up.   
  
  
  
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike's fingers dug deep into his head almost making holes in it. He felt sick, so disgusted with himself. He spit the saliva forming in his mouth, ridding it from Xander's taste. The same day Angel got killed. He kissed someone else the same day his boyfriend died. So despicable. So sodding weak.   
  
"William?" He looked up to find Rupert standing right in front of him. There was an unfriendly glint in his eyes that surprised Spike a little, yet he didn't think much of it.   
  
"Where's Xander?" Rupert asked.   
  
Spike looked away. "He left."  
  
He felt his father sitting next to him and expected a comforting hand on the shoulder. It never came. "How are you now?"   
  
Spike twisted his lips irately. "What do you think?"  
  
"You're right. That was a silly question." There was an annoyed pitch to his father's voice, perhaps because of Spike's attitude.   
  
His father heaved a long sigh. "You're hurting. I've been in your place when your mother died."  
  
Spike's blood was set straight to boil. "Stop," he spat in irritation. "Stop telling me about the people you lost. Just a minute ago the twit was talking about his father. This ain't about you. It's about  _me_." He was shaking again, his fists clenching on his thighs. He felt suddenly alone, so disappointed with his family. He wasn't sure exactly what he'd expected from them, but he had expected to be somewhat comforted. Instead all he felt was anger, a desire to snap at them, to beat them to a bloody pulp. There was no comfort in Xander taking advantage of the situation or Rupert's cold stare.   
  
"He was trying to help."  
  
His nails dug into his hands, and he clung on to his temper. He couldn't stop the scoff that escaped his mouth though.   
  
"I know how difficult this is for you. Losing someone so special is never easy." At that point, he could feel his father's stare boring a hole in his head. "That doesn't mean you can take advantage of Xander to relieve your pain."  
  
All anger and frustration was sucked out of Spike and nothing was left but pure confusion. "What?" He turned to look at Rupert, stunned to see the harshness in his eyes.   
  
"I saw you kissing him," Rupert said in an even voice with undertones of disappointment.   
  
Spike's mouth hung open, agape. "Hold it, wait. I was kissing no one.  _He_  was kissing _me_."  
  
Rupert made an impression of rolling his eyes. "Don't be silly, William. Xander doesn't…"  
  
"Open your eyes, Rupert," Spike snapped, bordering on hysteria. He could feel everybody's eyes on them due to his scream, could see his father's discomfort, but that didn't stop Spike at all. "For once in your sodding life, open your eyes and see what's _really_  going on –without me having to spell it out for you in fucking capital letters. Xander has had a thing for me for months – we were seeing each other when Angel came back. Right in front of your nose and you never even noticed."   
  
It was like déjà vu. He could see himself years ago in their lobby, so high from Marijuana, yelling at his father to pay attention to him and his life, to care about Spike's interests, and to  _stop_  seeing Xander as the fucking innocent lamb.   
  
The speechless look on Rupert's face didn't make him feel better, though it did satisfy him a little.   
  
  
  
  


 

~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander walked bleakly to the hospital's parking lot, barely watching his steps. Spike's words still rang in his ears, torturing him mercilessly. How could he mess things up like that? The shoulder pat and "There, there" didn't sound so insensitive now. He kicked an empty soda can in frustration and watched as it hit a black car, causing a stray cat to scamper from under it fretfully. Xander cursed, recalling Spike's cold blue eyes. He'd never looked at him like that. Never. Not even in the old unpleasant days. The whole thing sapped life out of him.   
  
He looked up at the dark sky motionlessly, searching for the moon. He'd just realized how dark it was out here. He looked around the empty parking lot warily and felt a coldness form in the pit of his stomach. The silence freaked him out more than the darkness: he couldn't even hear the sound of crickets.   
  
He quickened his steps, trying to reach his car as fast as possible. His heart pounded hard in his chest. Where was the freaking car?  
  
Something moved behind him.   
  
Xander froze in place, and his stomach lurched. He turned around slowly and saw no one behind him. He was just imagining things. If he didn't get a grip, he'd drop dead of fear.   
  
Out of nowhere, a strong arm wrapped around his chest and pulled him back to smack against a solid chest. Before he could react, a hand clamped a handkerchief to his nose and mouth, smothering his breath. He screamed and struggled, but the screams were muffled and the struggles were useless.   
  
It didn't take long before he felt himself falling into unconsciousness.   
  
  
  
  


 

~*~*~*~


	25. Chapter 25

 

 

 

  
  
  
The drive to his father's house was long and quiet. Spike stared blankly out of the window, trying hard not to think about anything. He could tell that Rupert was glancing at him from time to time, probably making sure he didn't implode. He appreciated the silence: the thought of talking or arguing with his father made him feel really exhausted. His gaze drifted to the police car driving right next to them. The policewoman's eyes were on him, promising protection and safety. Two cops were assigned to watch over them and guard the house. Spike hadn't paid attention to their names, but the woman appeared strong and determined. He'd like to feel comforted by that, but he just felt nothing at the moment.   
  
He remembered back at the hospital when the police had ordered him to stay at his father's tonight. Spike had vehemently refused, claiming that he wasn't afraid of sodding Parker and the likes of him. Eventually, Spike had to relent to the police's orders: nothing to do with his safety, but mostly to do with the memories that would haunt him if he spent the night at his flat.  
  
Another glance at his father who - much to Spike's surprise - remained silent. Suddenly, he remembered the long argument with the police at the hospital. His father was solemnly quiet throughout the argument. Spike's refusal to go home with his father probably wounded him, and the fact that Spike felt no guilt over that didn't upset him one bit.   
  
The second Rupert pulled the car over Spike kicked the car's door open and climbed out. He really didn't want to talk but most of all he didn't want to hear his father's voice. A mixture of emotions was swerving inside of him: he tried to block the ones about Angel and focus on his anger at his father. Much easier to deal with.   
  
He walked faster when his father stopped to talk to the police officers. He'd have a better chance of reaching his old room and locking the door behind him before his father came into the house.   
  
He cursed furiously when he found the front door closed. Xander, the tosser, would rush with fright leaving the front door open for Rupert but  _not_  for Angel. Spike tried to open the door but it was locked. The twat even stopped to lock the door. No wonder they were late for Angel. He cursed out loud and kicked the door in frustration.   
  
Rupert showed up next to him like a ghost and calmly unlocked the door. Spike's eyes were on the floor: he didn't want to lay eyes on his father. Once the lobby was in sight he strode inside, heading to the living room without thinking, just needing to get away from Rupert.   
  
Spike's feet froze in place and his heart started pounding. The living room was dark. Shadows were stretched out in all directions except for the small table next to the couch with moonlight shining onto its top from the large window. His gaze locked on the visible phone and answering machine on top of the small table.  
  
His lower lip trembled slightly and he could hear his raging heartbeats clearly in the silence. He should have gone straight to his room. What possessed him to go here? All of a sudden the events of the day started playing in his head. Xander pressing on the button; Angel informing him of his arrival; Parker threatening to kill Rupert; running to Xander's car; tapping restlessly on the car's door and then finding Angel's body on the ground.  
  
Spike's legs almost gave up and he was about to faint when he heard Rupert's concerned voice. "Xander's car isn't parked outside."  
  
Feelings of exhaustion and misery dissolved into angry jealousy burning in his chest. "Who bloody cares?" he spat, mechanically walking into the darkness of the living room, trying to stay as far from Rupert as possible.   
  
But with each step he took inside, Rupert got closer. "It's almost midnight. Where could he be?"  
  
Spike turned around, hating the concern and fear in his father's eyes, knowing they were only directed at Xander. Even though he was facing his father, he kept moving away, taking more than a couple of steps back.   
  
"Do you think something happened to him?"  
  
Spike threw his arms in the air. "How the hell should I know?" He couldn't escape further as the back of his thighs hit the edge of the table. He spun around, resting his shaking fists on the table, overwhelmed with self-pity. He went rigid all of a sudden, his eyes widening with shock.   
  
"Rupert?" he said croakily.   
  
"What?"  
  
A red light was blinking on the answering machine. With each blink, Spike's heart thumped anxiously. "There's a new message."  
  
He felt Rupert's arm brush against his shoulder as he stood next to him. Rupert glanced at him briefly before he pressed on the button.   
  
"Hi, Spike. It's Parker. Call me back."  
  
Tremors of fear rushed over Spike, rising to his neck and prickling his skin. He'd never thought he'd tremble at the sound of Parker's voice, which had a commanding edge to it that added to Spike's anxiety.   
  
"Is that….?"  
  
Spike nodded numbly.  
  
A few seconds of silence and then Rupert reached for the phone. Spike snapped out of his dazed stupor at once and grabbed his father's arm, stopping him from making a stupid mistake. At his father's puzzled expression, Spike shook his head. He was going to make the call.   
  
The line started ringing, and Spike forced his hand to remain still. Rupert was glancing at the window, probably thinking of informing the police officers outside. Before Spike could say anything, he heard Parker's voice.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
Spike's lips were slightly parted, but no sound came out of his mouth. All words were lost at the sound of that detestable voice.  
  
"Spike?"  
  
Angel's lifeless body on the dirty ground. The blood pooled under his head. Spike closed his eyes in sorrow. He wished he hadn't because the images were more vivid now, there was nothing but Angel's face in the darkness. He snapped his eyes open and stared at his concerned father in determination.   
  
"Parker." His voice lacked emotion, and his feelings shut off. His lips were set in a thin line and he wore a blank face that seemed to scare Rupert.   
  
"Long time no see. How's it been?"  
  
Blank stare. Unmoving lips. Rupert was starting to get really concerned as he touched Spike's frozen arm tentatively before grabbing it tight.   
  
"Guess not so well then, huh? I'm sorry about your father. It had to be done."  
  
A frown crossed Spike's features as pain twisted his chest. Parker thought he killed Rupert. He didn't even stop to check if he'd gotten the right bloke. Just shot Angel from behind and left. Wanker didn't even care.   
  
"I want to see you."  
  
"I don't," Spike replied, his voice cold and full of suppressed anger.   
  
"Oh, I'll see you." The confidence in Parker's voice sent the blood surging to Spike's heart.   
  
"What makes you so sure about that?" Spike asked self-consciously.   
  
He heard muffled voices he couldn't make out before Parker's rough voice snapped at someone to speak up.   
  
"S-Spike?"   
  
Spike's heart sank down to his toes. His eyes widened with terror and his jaw dropped slightly. He got Xander. The pillock got Xander. He heard a smack and a hiss of pain and his heart twisted helplessly.   
  
"So, you're coming then?" Parker's disgusting voice was back again. "Don't suppose you'd want me to kill your brother, too."   
  
"If you… if you do…"  
  
"Don't worry, English. I'll treat him well."  
  
Spike wondered if he should have told the police about this. Track down this phone call. But he feared doing anything that would risk Xander's life. "Where are you?"  
  
"Doesn't matter since we're leaving somewhere else right after this phone call. I can tell you where to meet me tomorrow. Alone."  
  
Spike's grip tightened on the receiver. "Where?"  
  
"The back of Willy's old bar. Two o'clock. Remember, alone. Can't stress it enough."   
  
The other line went dead, and the receiver dropped to the floor with a thud. Spike sank into the couch, his face instinctively hiding in his hands. How the fuck did the wanker get his hands on Xander? When did that happen? Obviously during the time Spike was too busy being pissed at him. Bugger.  _Bugger._    
  
"William, what was… what did he say?" Rupert's scared voice reached his ears, making him despairingly wipe his face, his eyes looking straight ahead, still unable to look at Rupert.  
  
"He's got Xander," he said dully.   
  
There was a short pause. "I'll get Kate." Rupert was on his way to the door before he finished the sentence.   
  
It took all the strength and will in Spike to run after his father and stop him from leaving the room. "No, leave them out of this. He'll hurt Xander if he knows we told the police."  
  
Rupert yanked his arm from Spike's grip. "He's not going to know."  
  
"He will. He's that good."  
  
Rupert eyed the window helplessly before taking off his glasses and rubbing his forehead. "So, what do you suggest we do?"  
  
Spike sighed and hung his head tiredly. "Gonna see him tomorrow at noon."  
  
"I'm coming with you."  
  
Spike shook his head. "No, he thinks he killed you."  
  
His father regarded him stubbornly. "So what?"  
  
Spike looked firmly at his father, willing him to understand. "No, you're going to stay here. Far away from him. Safe."  
  
"I can't possibly stay here…"  
  
"I'm not going to risk you."  
  
"Xander is with that lunatic."  
  
"The second he sees you, he's gonna shoot you."  
  
"I don't care."  
  
"I do!" Spike shouted desperately, silencing Rupert completely. They stared at each other for a moment before Rupert heaved a long suffering sigh and pulled Spike into a tight hug. Spike didn't fight, didn't try to pull away, he just let himself relax in his father's embrace.   
  
"I lost Angel," he murmured to his father. "I don't wanna lose you, too. And I don't wanna lose Xander either." He pulled back enough to look at Rupert's eyes and still be trapped in his arms. "Any irrational act is gonna get him killed."  
  
Rupert closed his eyes weakly and Spike realized how hard it must have been for him. What a dickhead he had been. So caught up in his anger and hate he got both his father and Xander hurt. If he hadn't barked at Xander to sod off, Xander wouldn't have been kidnapped. It was entirely his fault.  
  
He felt his father's arms loosening their hold, and Rupert walked to the couch. Spike mechanically hugged himself, hating how alone he felt when his father's arms weren't around him. Rupert sat on the couch, looking vulnerable and scared, the sight made Spike's chest tighten so hard. He'd never seen his father like this. Fathers should always be strong and dependable, providing security to their children. But his own looked weak and helpless, it filled Spike with all sorts of negative emotions.  
  
Rupert looked up at him with hollow eyes. "The thought of you two in the same room with that nutter…"  
  
"I'm not…" Spike trailed off, closing his eyes briefly, and then dropped his arms to his sides and looked at his father with resolve. "We'll think of a plan. You and me. We'll get Xander back."  
  
Rupert glanced at the window. "How are you going to leave with the police guarding the house?"  
  
Spike let out a long sigh. "We'll figure it out."  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander struggled to keep his eyes open, fighting back the urge to succumb to the darkness again. His eyes fluttered under their own weight, eyelids slipping down, only to rise up again in alert. He couldn't sleep when he was held hostage in some dank, filthy hut with a psychopath just one door away.  
  
His body hurt all over: his wrists itched from the bindings, his legs stiff, his head sore, and he felt awfully dehydrated. His mouth was gagged with duct tape, and he had to breathe through his nose – good thing he hadn't caught a cold before this whole mess happened.   
  
His muscles were cramped and aching, and his body was struck by tremors, desperate to move and flex. He shifted slightly, stretching his legs as much as he could, really wishing his ankles weren't bonded together.   
  
The door shot open and Parker walked into the room with a small bag in his hand. He pushed a wooden chair back and threw himself on it, unloading what was in the bag. Xander couldn't see anything as Packer's back blocked his view. He lowered his gaze to the dirty floor as his mind drifted to what had happened since he had woken up.   
  
He was in the backseat of a car that smelt of cigarettes and falafel, sprawled in the back seat with his hands tied behind his back and his ankles itched from the tight bonds. He tried to scream through the duct tape but only managed to let out muffled noises that made the driver aware of him. When Parker peered over his shoulder at him, Xander had wished he was still unconscious.   
  
Spike must have gotten it all wrong. Parker was after the whole family. He wanted Spike alone for some twisted reason. Xander had been sure his end was so near until Parker had snatched the duct tape off his mouth and forced him to talk to Spike. Xander realized that he had been kidnapped as bait, but that didn't mean that Parker would keep him alive. He might kill him the second he got his hands on Spike.   
  
When Parker had ended the phone call, he'd flung Xander over his shoulder and hurried out of the abandoned building and driven away to a small shed in the middle of nowhere. And here he was, bound and itching all over, tossed like an old ruin in the corner of the room.   
  
Xander returned his gaze to Parker, staring at him warily. He'd grown thinner over the years, his elbows were too pointy and his green t-shirt seemed too large on his lanky body. His black hair was long now and tied back untidily. The years had taken their toll on him. When Xander was younger, he used to see Parker as the ultimate badboy, thought he was cool and badass. Parker was the guy who got the girls and smoked the cigarettes, the one all twelve year olds dreamed to be like when they reached high school. Now Xander could see clearly how unstable Parker's life had been and it had turned him into one menacing murderer.   
  
Suddenly, Parker pushed back the chair, scraping it on the floor. He turned around, sitting on the chair backwards with his arms folding on top on the chair. He rested his chin on his arms and regarded Xander with calculating eyes. "So, you're the little fosterling who used to give Spike a lot of trouble?"  
  
Xander stared back silently, his heart beginning to pound, and cold sweat formed over his body.   
  
"He used to whine about you all the time. To the point where I wanted to snap your sorry little neck." Parker stood up and shoved the chair to the floor, making Xander jump at the sound. With a sly leer, Parker started approaching him, and Xander tried to inch back, his mind numbing with waves of fear.   
  
"He doesn't seem to hate you now. Could barely talk when he heard your voice."  
  
Parker crouched down beside Xander, his stubbly face screwed up into an eerie grin. The appalling glint in his icy blue eyes promised nothing but badness. "Heard he's playing for the other team. Don't tell me, you're his boy toy? Putting a twist on brotherly love."  
  
Parker was getting closer now, too close for Xander's liking. His rough hand brushed back Xander's sweat dampened locks, and then his finger made small circles on Xander's temple. "What does it feel like when he touches you? Does it turn you on?" Panic seized Xander and terror washed over his fragile body when Parker lay on top of him, his choppy lips brushing against his ear.  
  
Xander thrashed and pulled at the bonds, abstract horror climbing up his spine. Parker chuckled joyfully at Xander's struggles, and his hands started touching Xander all over, eventually stopping at his ass. He cupped the jeans clad butt and squeezed hard.   
  
"You like it," he whispered to Xander's ear. "When he touches you. When he puts his face so close to yours you can feel his breath." Xander's nose crinkled at the stench of alcohol and tried to look away, but Parker's scrawny fingers grabbed his chin forced him to look at him. "How about when he slips his hand inside." A rough hand slipped into Xander's jeans and boxers, his fingers toying with his public hair. Xander closed his eyes in humiliation when that hand went further inside to grab his penis. "Squeezes you," Parker hissed in his ear like a snake. "Feels your cock thickening in his grip."  
  
Xander tried to get Parker off of him, struggling more vehemently now. Parker's hand tightened painfully on his penis, and Xander whimpered pathetically. Parker's low chuckles made him burn with shame and anger. "You're such a whore, Xander. Just like your mother."  
  
Xander's eyes snapped open, staring at Parker with shock.  
  
Parker had an evil smirk on his lips. "Spike told me everything. Jessica Parker, biggest whore since whorosity began."  
  
Spike? Spike told Parker about his mom? An agonizing feeling of betrayal burnt through his veins and scorched his skin, and the fact that Spike must have told Parker about this during his jerk-off days didn't matter at all. Sharp knives stabbed his back and twisted and twisted, distracting Xander from the fact that Parker was fondling other dangling things under his pants.  
  
"My dad screwed her once, you know," Parker went on as he rammed against him. "Said she rips a man a new ass holes and sucks dick like no other whore's mouth can do. He named me after her family. That's how talented she was."  
  
 _Screw you,_  Xander roared mentally, wishing he could scream it at the bastard.  _Stop talking about her! Stop talking at all!_  
  
Parker's hand went to brush his hair again. "That dark hair and those bushy eyebrows, it's like looking at a mirror." Parker had a creepy meaningful smirk on his lips. "I never knew who my mother was as well." His face leaned closer to Xander's until they were nose to nose and Xander could see nothing but the detestable blue eyes. "Still don't, but I think I'm putting two and two together."  
  
Xander didn't want to think about where this was going because he knew beforehand that it was going to be so freaking bad.  
  
"You and Spike might be raised like brothers, but you and I, we share blood."  
  
Xander shook his head forcefully, going for another attempt to knock him off. Parker slapped him hard, glaring down at him.   
  
"What? Not good enough for you, little whore. That's who we are, screwed up little whores. People like  _William_ , born with silver spoons in their mouths  _and_  from respectable families are nothing like us. You and I are destined to be scum walking on earth. Alone, unloved, and unwanted."  
  
 _Shut up, you jerk! I was raised by a loving father, you know nothing about me!_  Xander hoped he could send his angry words with his eyes, but Parker wasn't reading him at all. Out of nowhere, a memory popped into his head, his father and his uncles completely wasted in the living room and laughing too loudly so that Xander hid in his room, shaking, all night. The Harrises were known for being alcoholic losers, but his father wasn't like them. He didn't drink at all when he was around Xander.   
  
He loved him. He didn't drink in front of him, because he loved him.  
  
But that night, why did he drink when he knew Xander was in the house? Why didn't he send him to Aunt Joyce if he wanted…   
  
 _"Aunt Joyce is like your mother, son. And you need a mother. You're gonna have a wonderful weekend at Aunt Joyce's house."_  
  
Xander blinked numbly, looking right through Parker as he kissed and licked his face.   
  
"We don't belong with them, bro. We belong here, surrounded with filth and sex."  
  
Xander wanted to push Parker off, give him a head-butt, anything to get the pervert off of him. But he was too exhausted, too sore, and too hurt, physically and emotionally, and all his could do was close his eyes. He pictured the safety of his room, crawled in his bed, thinking about nothing but school and hanging out with Jesse and Willow. Completely shut out.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

 


	26. Chapter 26

 

 

 

  
  
  
  
  
Spike hated it when time stopped. Anxiety was building up inside him urging him to shake the clock hard enough to move the arrows. He knew better than to show his real feelings. He glanced at his father making tea for the police officers, noting how ungraceful his movements were. They were both consumed with private thoughts, trying hard to keep their fear inside and wear a calm facade to reassure the other.   
  
Rupert placed the tea cups on the tray, and for a moment stood there frowning at it in thought. Spike's chest tightened at the way his father struggled to remember if there was something missing. Silently, he walked past Rupert and took the teapot that was resting next to the oven, setting it gently on the tray.   
  
Rupert blinked and then rubbed his forehead tiredly.  
  
Spike, not waiting for his father's orders, picked up the tray and took it outside.  
  
He squinted his eyes when a sudden gust of wind passed his face. His eyes fell on the tree leaves that had started turning yellow; the cold breeze made them rustle slightly. He noticed Kate sitting on the bench, her hair stringing along with the wind. She turned around when he stepped toward her and the side of her lips curved up into a lopsided smile.  
  
He sat next to her and poured some tea in her cup. Her blonde eyebrow arched up. "Tea?"  
  
"We’re living to the stereotype." He offered her the cup and looked around the yard. "Where's your partner?"  
  
"Sleeping in the car. He took the whole night shift." She accepted the cup and took a small sip before recoiling when the hot liquid stung her tongue.  
  
"Won't it be better if he slept inside?"  
  
"Better stay outside in case something happens." She blew on her tea, taking another sip. "Oh, I've been meaning to ask you. Don't you have a brother?"  
  
"Yeah." There would be no use getting into detail about how Xander wasn't really his brother. Thinking about Xander made his toes curl in frustration. He knew Parker well enough to know he wouldn't leave Xander alone. His hands clutched the tray tightly wanting to smack it against the wall.  
  
"I haven't seen him around. Is he inside?"  
  
Spike rubbed his forehead in an imitation of his father. "He's in his room. Asleep."  
  
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Til this hour?"  
  
Something tight was swelling in his chest. He really didn't feel like having this conversation, didn't want to talk about Xander at all. "You know kids. All night on the net, all morning in bed," he said weakly and then turned his gaze to the entrance. "It's taking them long to come, huh?"  
  
"We were informed to pick up Mr. Osbourne at eleven sharp. They're gonna be here any minute." She went back to drink her tea, leaving Spike lost in his thoughts.   
  
The breeze grew stronger, sending shivers down his spine. The air smelt of rain and cement; it would probably start pouring soon. Spike blew on his freezing hands when Kate held up her empty cup for him. He poured her more tea when a thought struck him. "Isn't it odd that the police didn't investigate properly after Devon's murder?"  
  
She looked a bit taken back by his question before a small smile formed on her lips. "I asked the same question when they handed me the case." She started warming her nose with the hot smoke rising up from the cup. "They said the MacLeish family has a lot of enemies. The LA police never thought that it'd be a former high school friend."  
  
"It's always those you least suspect," Spike muttered absentmindedly, noticing a police car driving into the yard.   
  
"Something you learn from movies," Kate added, smiling when the awaited police car arrived. Her smile vanished when there was no one inside but a police officer.   
  
She strode toward him in anger and banged on his car window. "Where's Mr. Osbourne?"  
  
The man pushed the car door open and looked at her apologetically. "A woman thought it would be too suspicious if I took him in a police car. She said she'd swing him by in her car."  
  
Kate's eyes widened. "Woman? What woman?"  
  
On cue, a black car showed up and stopped in front of the house. Spike felt the first real smile on his lips when he saw Tara and Oz inside the car.  
  
Kate grimaced and marched toward them. Tara was just climbing out of her car when Kate pointed a demanding finger at her face. "Who are you?"  
  
Spike walked to stand beside Kate. "She's a friend."  
  
Kate turned disbelieving eyes at him. "She shouldn't be involved in this."  
  
"Spike and Oz are dear friends of mine," Tara said gently. "I wanna make sure they're okay."  
  
Kate was about to protest when all three started at her in determination. She squeezed her eyes shut and sighed in defeat, nodding her head in understanding.   
  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"So, what do you think?"  
  
Spike looked between the grim faces in front of him, having just explained his plan. The grudging acceptance on his father's face was a relief. Spike had spent the whole night trying to convince him to stay in the house guarded and safe. He also anticipated the displeasure in Oz' expression, watching as he entangled his fingers together forming a big tight fist.  
  
"I can't stay here while you and Tara are risking your lives out there," Oz objected.  
  
Rupert nodded. "I share the same feelings."  
  
Spike looked fiercely at his father and then turned to face Oz. "You two are targets. The second he sees both of you, he'll shoot you without a second pause."  
  
Both men glared at the table silently.  
  
Spike's features softened into consideration. "I know it’s frustrating. But you have to understand."  
  
"I do," Oz gritted out. "I don't like it but I do understand." He looked at Tara. "Are you sure about this?"  
  
Tara nodded, her eyes reflecting her sympathy.  
  
Oz swallowed. "But he's never been fond of you, what if…"  
  
"Tara's only there for backup," Spike interrupted. "He won't see her."  
  
Oz shot him a glare. "What if he does?"  
  
Tara touched Oz' arm, rubbing it gently. "I'll be careful, Oz. Don't worry." They shared a meaningful stare  
  
Oz sighed and looked at Spike. "Now, how are you going to escape?" He nodded his head at the window where Kate was visible.  
  
"One of them is asleep in the car. I think Tara can distract Kate, and I'll escape from the back."  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
Tara caught the policewoman's attention when she slammed the front door close. The blonde officer, whose name escaped Tara, regarded her with a sharp stare. Tara walked straight to the woman, wearing a concerned expression. She stood face to face with her and hugged herself pathetically. "Keep them safe. Please," she said in hushed tones.  
  
The woman's angry gaze melted into empathy. "You don't have to worry."  
  
Tara shook her head. "I can't believe someone could do this. Those people are some of the best I know. The thought that someone wants to murder them…"  
  
"Psychopathic murderers could care less about how good these people are," the woman interrupted her with a confident voice. "And in this case, the murderer wants revenge. People will do anything to have their revenge."  
  
Tara could see from the corner of her eye Oz giving her the signal from the window.   
  
Tara smiled at the woman with appreciation. "Thank you so much for your protection and efforts."  
  
"That's our job, Miss."  
  
Tara walked past her toward her car, feeling her heartbeat going faster, fearing that the officer would suspect something. She couldn't help stopping midway and turning around to face the woman again. "Oh, and don't forget the back yard. He could get in from the kitchen."  
  
The woman nodded. "The kitchen door is locked from the inside, but you're right. Someone needs to guard the house from the back." She started moving toward the police car. "It's time Jerald wakes up from his nap."  
  
Tara didn't waste time as she hurried to her car and drove away. She could see the policewoman dragging her partner out of the car through the rear view mirror, something that would have made her giggle if the circumstances were different. She turned around the house, driving at a slow speed.  
  
Suddenly, the passenger's door swung open and Spike jumped into the car, slamming the door shut. Tara pressed her foot hard on the accelerator pedal and the car shot forward.  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
The back of Willy's bar smelt like vomit and was as filthy as the city dump. Every inch of the place was wet and sticky, filled with muck and grime. Spike rubbed his nose in disgust and thought he wouldn't have stepped a foot in there if it weren't for Xander. He heard a rustling sound in the back and walked around the building cautiously.  
  
He'd prepared himself for all the possibilities that awaited him, had pictured all the different and disturbing images about Xander that he might see. The sight that greeted him wasn't practically the worst but it still managed to make his chest tighten painfully.   
  
Parker was standing in the corner pressed against the wall, holding Xander firmly against his chest with a gun pointed to his head. Spike's gaze darted to Xander's face which was expressionless, his hazel eyes staring at nothing.  
  
"Xander," Spike whispered, and without thinking took a step forward.   
  
Parker held Xander harder against him. "Stay where you are or I'll shoot."  
  
Spike reluctantly stopped, looking helplessly at Xander who didn't seem to notice that Spike was here. He just stood there, his eyes lifeless, and his face blank.  
  
"Where's Oz?" Parker demanded.   
  
Spike's lips were set in a thin line. "I don't know."  
  
Parker pressed the gun's muzzle against Xander's temple. "I'm pointing a gun at your brother's head. So, you better talk now."  
  
Panic shot inside of Spike. "I'll do anything…" he said desperately. "Let him go."  
  
"I'll trade him for Oz."  
  
Spike bit his lip weakly. "Oz was your friend. Doesn't that matter anymore?"  
  
"Lie," Parker snapped. "I never had friends."  
  
Spike's face hardened. "You did. Me."  
  
Parker scoffed. "And where have you been all these years?"  
  
"In England. No one told you that," Spike spat out. The smell was getting to him, making him sick to his stomach, but not as much as a gun pointed to Xander's head. His heartbeat was raging, the thought that Parker could just drive a bullet through Xander's head almost made him faint.  
  
The hate and betrayal reflected on Parker's expression was exactly how Spike felt about him. He'd never thought he'd hate Parker like this. Never thought that Parker would do these things to him.   
  
"You never visited. You never tried to get me out," Parker said furiously. "My old man got killed in prison and you did nothing about it."  
  
Spike's lips curled in disgust and indifference. "Yeah, well, I would have sympathized if you weren't going off killing my family and friends."  
  
Parker's eyes shot red with fury. "You shouldn't make me angry. I've got your boy right here and I can finish him with a light pull of the trigger." To confirm, he pressed the muzzle hard on Xander's temple tilting Xander's head further towards his shoulder.  
  
Spike flinched with fear, his fingers trembling desperately.   
  
Noticing his distress, a smirk rose to Parker's lips. "But that wouldn't be fun, would it?"  
  
Spike stared at him in confusion.   
  
Parker started to nuzzle Xander's hair with his nose. "I hear you're a pansy now," he said, moving his nose to Xander's ear. "And this piece of trash gets you going, doesn't he?" He turned his head to Spike, his expression was evil. "Tell me, English, does this make you hot?" The hand that was holding Xander to his chest moved downward and slipped into Xander's pants.  
  
Spike's eyes widened with horror. What disturbed him more than what Parker was doing was Xander's numb expression, there was no reaction at all in his face. "Parker, stop!"  
  
"Tell me, where's Oz or I'll rip his penis off," Parker barked.  
  
Spike was about to drop on his knees and plead. "I'll do whatever you want, just stop!"  
  
"What I want is Oz."  
  
Spike's lower lip fluttered helplessly, he couldn't hand Oz to the wanker and he couldn't leave Xander under his mercy. "What about me?" he blurted out urgently.  
  
Parker arched an eyebrow. "What about you?"  
  
"You weren't really close to Oz and Devon. I was your best mate. I was the one who let you down. You should kill me."  
  
A flicker of emotion sparked in Xander's face. He looked up at Spike with fear as if he just heard Spike offering himself to Parker.  
  
Spike took a confident step forward. "I'm the one who betrayed you, Parker. Not them."  
  
There were a range of mixed emotions on Parker's face that would have made Spike pity him if it weren't for the dire circumstances. "If it were you in prison I would have gotten you out," Parker said bitterly.  
  
"You would, but I didn't," Spike said, feeling the hate and anger inside getting the best of him. "I knew you were rotting in jail and I did nothing. I left you there. Never even thought about you." Spike smirked, enjoying the hurt and resentment on Parker's face. "In fact, I think you deserved it, and your father? Good riddance."  
  
Parker shook with rage. "Son of a bitch!" He aimed the gun at Spike, and instinctively Spike shut his eyes, waiting for the pain.   
  
He heard Xander shouting his name and two gun shots. He felt nothing, though. He was trembling all over, but there was no pain. He wasn't shot.   
  
At the sound of something metal dropping down, Spike slowly opened his eyes and gasped when he saw Parker lying on the ground, a tiny bleeding hole on his forehead. Xander was inching away from Parker, his wide eyes staring at something behind Spike.  
  
Turning around with dread, he saw Tara standing behind him. Her eyes were a picture of shock and horror and her arms were extended forward like she'd been holding something. His gaze fell to the gun resting on the ground in front of her feet, and his stomach churned.   
  
"Oh God…"  
  
Spike whipped his head toward Xander after he heard his whisper. Xander was shaking badly on the ground, repeating, "Oh God," over and over.  
  
Spike hurried toward him and held him close to his chest, murmuring in his ear, "I've got you. I've got you." His eyes went from Xander's shaking form to Parker's lifeless body and stopped at Tara's frozen expression.  
  
Nothing was ever going to be all right.  
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

 


End file.
